Michelle Bernstein and her fiancée, Jamie Bichelman, sit down for dinner in Las Vegas. They smile as the check is placed in front of him without a second thought.
In Montreal, Erika Castro asks a store assistant for help, only to watch as the staffer directs the sales pitch to her husband, Chris.
In Portland, Oregon, Dr. Whitney Casares walks guests through her family’s new home. She points out a change her husband suggested, to which a visitor quips, "So he's allowed to make some decisions, is he?"
Bernstein, Castro, and Casares belong to a distinct group of women in America. They are part of a growing population of "breadwinner wives"—successful women who earn more than their male partners.
Not only do these women contribute the majority of their household income, but they also wield significant spending power—a reality often misunderstood, and at times judged, by friends, family, and even strangers.
Their situation is unusual but not uncommon. According to a 2022 Pew Research report, just 16% of women in heterosexual relationships are the primary earners—a figure unchanged since 2012. Pew also found that men are increasingly sharing financial responsibility with their partners, though the idea of being supported by their spouse remains uncomfortable for many men.
Research from the University of Bath shows that men report lower "life satisfaction" when their female partner is the sole earner—5.86 out of 10 compared to 7.16 when they are the breadwinners.
Despite financial and career success, these couples face societal expectations that lag behind their income dynamics.
'It takes a lot of self-reflection'
Author and CEO Casares earns between $200,000 to $300,000 a year—approximately three times as much as her physical therapist husband.
Casares, a pediatrician who has written books on negotiating work, parenting and identity, said the father of her two daughters is often probed about being "less of a man" because his entrepreneur wife earns the lion's share of the income.
Casares told Fortune that, in terms of gender norms, it would have been "easier" if she wasn't the breadwinner.
Family members have told the mom-of-two she should "stop working so hard" and spend more time with her daughters, aged 11 and eight.
"They would never say that to my husband," Casares says. "Me staying home would impact us significantly—if my husband were to be the one that stayed home, it wouldn't to the same degree."
Deviating from the norm has forced Casares to become more aware of the dynamics of her relationship and ensure it remains healthy.
She explains: "When one person is the breadwinner—male or a female—the propensity in a situation where you're at odds with your partner about a financial decision is to want to say: ‘I make the money so I get to make the final decision on this.’
"I put myself in the position of women who have it the opposite way around. I would never want my husband to say that to me. It takes a lot of self-reflection, a lot of not getting on my high horse, and really the basic tenets of what makes a good relationship."
Compensating at home
Casares and her husband, Scott, have more freedom in their careers thanks to their income dynamic, but they also say it relieves them of some stereotypes at home.
The pair are more "multidimensional" because they are not shoehorned into the roles of either 'working parent' or 'home parent.'
Casares explains: "As a man, [my husband] is conditioned to feel like: ‘I have to be the provider for a family, even if something isn't working for me, I have to just keep going at it.’"
"We know that in the past, that has bred, for a lot of men, mental health issues. It wasn't good for them either."
"And because I have a lot of value equally from my career and my role as a mother, I don't feel like things have to be perfect in my living environment. That stress that I know a lot of moms feel of: ‘I have to have my kids signed up for every single activity. I have to have my house perfectly Pinterest ready'—this situation allows me to not feel that way."
Not every couple finds the same balance.
Research often finds that when a woman out-earns her husband, she takes on more of the household chores. Stanford University academics Myra Strober and Abby Davisson say this occurs because the couple is consciously or otherwise trying to rebalance gender norms.
Strober unknowingly grew up in a house where her mother was the higher earner—an especially unusual phenomenon for the 1950s. She said: "All couples have to figure out how they're going to divide household chores, childbearing and so on. In this situation it's an even more important conversation because the usual norms can't be relied on.
"I think people need to have a sense of adventure about this."
Davisson met her husband when taking Strober's class and remembers him raising his hand when asked, "Who here would be comfortable if your wife earned more than you?"
"I think we get very quickly from money to power," Davisson tells Fortune. "Our society views money as an indicator of power, and without a lot of conversations to unpack those assumptions, they get internalized."
"The main point of our book is don't slide, decide. Think about it, make it obvious that you both understand what's going on in your relationship."
Strober added that couples—irrespective of their income dynamic—need to establish what success looks like to them: "We are thinking about individual fulfillment in life, but not [as much] about having a successful marriage. To have a marriage that is fulfilling, that's the challenge of our time."
'Why are you going back to school?'
Throughout their seven-year relationship the title of higher earner has shifted between Bichelman, a freelance journalist, and Bernstein, an animal behavioralist and fitness instructor.
But the recently engaged couple realized early on that their life and financial goals differed to that of their peers.
"I feel like at a young age I was told about milestones. You graduate high school, then either you get a job or you go to college," Bernstein tells Fortune over a video interview. "I just graduated with my second masters and people were like ‘Why are you going back to school? Don’t you want to get married?’"
Instead the couple carved out their own goals and said they "never" put pressure on the other to follow the pack.
"Many of the things that society might say would be an issue like pride, arrogance, ego. Those are all mitigated through healthy communication," said Bichelman. "If you're a man seeking to be with a very ambitious, talented, intelligent woman, support her. Don't do anything to detract or distract from her ambitions."
Their goals are simple, Bernstein explained: "Unfortunately even though it's 2024 people still think that men should be making more. I think it's just more about finding something that you love and finding a job that keeps you mentally and physically healthy."
'I've always wanted to make a lot of money'
For Castro, earning highly is a non-negotiable.
Now earning six-figures as a marketing specialist while her husband earns approximately 25% of that, Castro said she would have felt like a failure if she wasn't making good money.
Like Bernstein and Bichelman, Castro and her husband have shared the mantle of higher earner. When Castro has earned more that has come with pressure, she said, to stay in a role to keep the couple afloat.
Now in a job she loves, Castro said: "We're happy. I'm happier because I get to grow in my career and that has always been my goal."
And while Castro has always targeted herself on taking the next step up in her career, it's her husband's support that means the most.
She explained: "My advice is to celebrate those wins even if it's not about you. Celebrate the wins no matter how small or big they are, because a woman [earning more than her husband] is probably going through a lot already socially. Something positive from a partner will be a significant boost in her confidence and motivation to keep moving forward."
