I came across a TikTok recently that articulated something about my face I’d been struggling with. It was one of those videos where the speaker sits in the front seat of her car as if she’s been so overcome by an epiphany that she had to pull over and share. In this one, the thirty-seven-year-old user, @lesswastedliving, expresses bewilderment at her struggle to recognize her changing face in the images she produces nearly every day. “It’s just odd to seek yourself in the mirror or on camera and not being able to find it and having to become okay with this new person,” she says.
I understand how she feels. Since my fortieth birthday, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to take good selfies. It’s not so much an issue of wrinkles or grey hairs—although I have both. It’s that the muscles of my face are weakening. To keep my eyes from drooping before I hit the button, I pop them open wide and come out looking surprised, even a bit manic. Though I’ve recognized small changes in my face before, this is the first time they’ve challenged my photography skills. With each new shot, I wonder: Who is this woman that I’m trying to capture?
