Amanda Abbington has bravely opened up on the moment she contemplated suicide after splitting from ex-partner Martin Freeman.
The actress, 49, admitted her devastating split from the star of The Office, 51, left her "hating herself".
The pair never tied the knot, but were together for 16 years before splitting in 2016. They share two kids together; Joe, 17, and Grace, 16.
Speaking for the first time about the relationship breakdown, Amanda says the heartbreak left her a 'mess'.
Amanda, who stars as Martin's on-screen wife, Mary Watson, in BBC's Sherlock explained just how much the split affected her in the immediate aftermath, calling suicide a "genuine thought for me".
Speaking on the Full Disclosure podcast with James O'Brien, she discussed her mental health, saying: "It was breaking up with Martin and then realising I needed to sort myself out because I was a bit of a mess. I hated myself."
Talking about a recent moment that affected her, she added: "It was funny because the other day, and I’ve never told anyone, not even my therapist, I’d had a row with Grace because she couldn’t find her uniform and was late for school.
"So in the end I had to drive her to school instead of the bus and I was sitting in the car and I was having a go at her and I was getting nothing back from her because she’s a 15-year-old and she’s going through all this stuff."
She continued: "She’s a girl, I’m a mother — rage, anxiety. And I was sat there as I was driving, in my head, and I haven’t said this since I started therapy six years ago, "you could always kill yourself".
"And that was what my mantra used to be. If you’ve let people down and upset somebody or if you’re not being the best you can or you’re a bad mother, or you’re not stepping up with your acting, you can always kill yourself."
And she went on to admit that she always thought of this as an "option". However, she confessed the last time she had that thought was six years ago at a similar time to her split from Martin.
She confided that going through with the thought would mean she "doesn’t have to be this bad person because I don’t have to be here any more".
Continuing to chat about her mental health, she added she thinks it goes right the way back to childhood and the vibes you put out as a youngster.
"People go 'Oh there’s a vulnerable person with anxiety and low self esteem, I can use that and push that person down,'" she said. "You attract what you think you deserve."
After meeting on the set of Men Only in 2000, Amanda and Martin split in 16 years later. The pair both have new partners, with Amanda engaged to Jonathan Goodwin, 43, while Martin is dating French actress Rachel Mariam, 30.
*If you're struggling and need to talk, the Samaritans operate a free helpline open 24/7 on 116 123. Alternatively, you can email jo@samaritans.org or visit their site to find your local branch
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