An ageing mother's millennial son informed her that he wouldn't be able to care for her in her old age, leading to a pressing question: Is it fair to expect him to sacrifice his personal goals to fulfil filial duties?
Parents often spend the first 18 years of their children's lives providing unwavering care and support. Many, like Alyse Benoit's 64-year-old mother, continue to offer financial assistance even after their children have reached adulthood.
However, the dynamic can shift as parents grow older and require care. This transition can be emotionally and logistically challenging for both parents and children. While many adult children feel a sense of duty to care for their ageing parents, the reality is that not everyone has the resources to do so.
Balancing Personal Goals And Parental Needs
Financial constraints, coupled with the demands of personal and family life, can make it difficult for some to provide the level of support their parents may need. This can lead to guilt, resentment, or frustration on both sides.
A man on Reddit (u/Derpy1984) described how his mother, who lives in Southern California, recently asked him to accompany her on a business trip to Belgium. The man, a self-employed freelancer earning between $40,000 and $80,000 annually, lives in the Pacific Northwest with his partner.
His mother, in her mid-60s, asked him to join her on a business trip to Belgium, expressing concern about navigating the country alone. He agreed, on the condition that she cover his travel costs. "I don't have the means to eat out every single meal every day, pay for all my own transit ... while I miss work," he wrote.
"She was incredibly generous to do all of this, but there was a meal that got dark because of a conversation I wanted to have in person with her," he added.
Over lunch, he discussed his mother's will, expressing concern for her well-being given her age and health. In the past, she had jokingly mentioned relying on her children for care in her old age, but he worried about his own ability to fulfil that role.
"I had to impress upon her that I moved 1,000 miles from home, built up a support system, and started chasing my VERY non-lucrative dreams because I wanted to have a life of my own," he expressed. The son expressed concern about his ability to provide his mother's care as she ages.
Balancing Personal Goals And Parental Needs
"I simply don't have the funds or the time to drop everything and move home to take care of you if something debilitating should happen," he told her.
The son went on to explain that even if he were to relocate to his mother's city to assist her, he would likely only be able to find low-paying entry-level positions. This income wouldn't be sufficient to cover his own living expenses, let alone his mother's.
"There's no way I could afford to pay for all of the necessary care and whatnot making $18/hr at a call centre," he wrote. His mother proposed that he start building his career by securing an office job and working his way up.
He responded that while he appreciated her suggestion, he was unwilling to sacrifice his current career path to prepare for a potential future role as her caregiver.
"Moving down to SoCal where the rent is higher, I'd have to give up everything and get a job where, maybe in a few years, I'd have enough to support myself if I lived in a cheap apartment with roommates, not even considering that I'd have to pay her rent, pay for myself to live, and pay for her care," he explained.
While some Redditors suggested that his mother relocate to his city, he eliminated this option due to her health concerns. He explained that her anxiety, depression, recent spinal issues, and fibromyalgia would make the cold and rainy climate of his region unbearable for her.
The man later shared that his brother, who is financially secure and has a spacious four-bedroom home with his family, would be better equipped to care for their mother. Many Redditors expressed empathy for the man's situation, acknowledging their own financial constraints and reluctance to disrupt their lives for parental care.
The Emotional Toll Of Caregiving
Commenters praised his open and honest communication with his mother, highlighting his ability to express his concerns without offending. While the man is not obligated to change his life completely, he can still support his mother's well-being.
Offering assistance and ensuring her comfort and happiness should be considered. Although their relationship dynamics are unclear, her willingness to fund his travel and engage in open conversations suggests that she values him.
Many Redditors with strained parent-child relationships echoed the challenges of meeting their ageing parents' expectations for care. A common theme emerged: parents who had neglected to support their children in earlier years now expected them to fulfil caregiving roles in their old age.
For example, TikTok user Jo recently shared her mother's view that children are essentially a "retirement plan," reflecting a generational perspective that places a significant burden on offspring. This raises the question: Is it fair to expect children to prioritise their parents' needs over their personal goals, or is it acceptable for parents to rely on others for support in their old age?
While some criticised the son for prioritising his own life over his mother's needs, it's important to acknowledge his efforts to have a respectful and open conversation. He expressed his concerns and a desire to find a mutually beneficial solution that avoids drastic changes to his lifestyle.
"The matter of me being unable to help isn't that I don't want to," he clarified. "It's that the logistics behind it do not make any sense at all."
The Reddit thread highlights adult children's complex and often contentious relationship with ageing parents. While there is a societal expectation that children care for their parents, such arrangements can be challenging and emotionally draining.
