ARLINGTON, Texas — On behalf of all critics of the Texas Rangers’ needlessly pressing Arlington tax payers for a new stadium when a perfectly good one was in working order, we propose the following amendment:
“Excessive, ridiculous, stupid and dumb Texas summer heat renders all previous complaints, concerns null and void until said persons are not sweating in a cold showers.”
Sitting at Globe Life Mall on Friday night watching the Rangers defeat the Minnesota Twins, my thoughts did not focus on new Rangers’ shortstop Corey Seager’s go-ahead three-run home run in the fifth inning.
All I could think of was one of the best writers who ever lived, Molly Ivins.
Ivins, whose work appeared in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram in her celebrated career, once wrote, “Would you like to write about Willis H. Carrier?”
“And who the hell might he be?”
“Man who invented air conditioning.”
“A lifelong hero of mine!”
Molly Ivins may not have cared about the Rangers, or baseball, but this summer she would have been a Texas Rangers fan.
Free agent signees Corey Seager, Marcus Semien, Jon Gray and Kole Calhoun have not made the impact on the Rangers like air conditioning.
It’s often been said the importance of “getting right with God,” but this summer the person you really need to be right with is the AC repair man.
The temperature reached 106 degrees on Friday; it’s so hot Satan reportedly sold his DFW house, just down the street from Jerry Jones.
We here in DFWHell are in a stretch of heat that takes us back to 2011, when we hit 40 consecutive days of 100 degrees.
The worst part of that summer was we didn’t even get the record; what was the point?
The record for consecutive days of 100-plus degrees in our little patch of Hades was set in 1980, when we hit 42 straight.
In 2011, however, we nailed the record for most 100-degree days, a God-awful 70. Take that, South Beach.
It was so hot that summer the tops of trees burned up, and killed countless trees. (That actually happened.)
It was so hot swimming in a pool had no effect. (That actually also happened.)
It was so hot, dogs didn’t want to go outside (feels true).
It was so hot that we hit 100 degrees in 30 of July’s 31 days (is true).
It’s the second week of July, and we are at least 60 days away from a reprieve from a heat wave that makes us all wonder why we live here, or even want to go on living at all.
Going outside after 9 a.m. for more than five minutes requires multiple outfit changes. Trips to the mailbox necessitate two towels.
You will get in a full (back) sweat just driving to the grocery store.
We have to schedule our entire days around shade.
A hot shower is punishment.
The Rangers have turned going to a baseball game like a trip to see a movie. It is merely good escape from the heat.
The Rangers spent almost half a billion dollars on free agents in the offseason; considering just how awful this team was before those additions, the team is where they should be at five games under .500.
The club in is its third season in the $1.2 billion Globe Life Mall, and first without any COVID restrictions.
The Rangers currently rank 16th in MLB attendance, and the only reason it’s this high is Molly Ivins’ good friend, AC.
On Friday, July 8, 2011 the Rangers defeated the Oakland A’s at the Rangers Ballpark in Arlington in front of an announced crowd of 37,858. Game-time temperatures at first pitch was 106 degrees.
(Please note that Rangers team reached the World Series.)
On Friday night, the announced attendance was 30,392; it was probably closer to 26,000, but a fudging of attendance figures is standard practice in sports on all levels up to and including T-ball.
Game-time temperatures inside The Mall was 72 degrees, which could potentially draw the wrath of ERCOT officials.
It can’t be stated enough the new stadium was not going to have much of an impact on attendance, but AC is the Rangers only prayer to compete.
It has been 15 years since Steve Jobs introduced his mini computer that changed the world, the iPhone. That was the same year, 2007, Netflix introduced something called “streaming” to customers who had the necessary technology to use it.
The respective impact that technology has had on us as people, and entertainment consumers, is both inescapable and incalculable.
On Friday night at Globe Life, fans watched their phones as much as they watched what was an entertaining regular-season game.
That’s not a criticism. It’s where we are as human beings.
How many of us are guilty of scrolling our phones while we watch television?
For the modern age consumer, Major League Baseball leaves much to be desired. It’s one of the many reasons why MLB will soon reside next to the NHL on our sports priority list.
The conservative spender in me will never endorse the Rangers building a new stadium when a perfectly good one is still across the street; in this era, however, their only chance of luring you to the park isn’t a $325 million shortstop, it’s air conditioning.
Now, to hell with ERCOT, crank that thing to 68, and let’s play ball.
