A nurse accused of multiple murders and attempted murders of babies broke down in court as she told a jury she had not harmed any children.
Seven months on from the start of her trial at Manchester Crown Court, Lucy Letby, 33, entered the witness box on Tuesday to give evidence.
She is alleged to have murdered five boys and two girls, and attempted to murder another five boys and five girls, between June 2015 and June 2016.
The prosecution says Letby was a “constant malevolent presence” in their care at the neonatal unit of the Countess of Chester Hospital.
It is said she used various means to target the infants, including injections of air into their system and insulin poisoning.
Letby, wearing a black top and black trousers, walked from the dock and across the courtroom to answer the allegations as her defence case started.
Several rows behind, her parents, John Letby, 76, and Susan Letby, 62, looked on – as did family members of the alleged victims on the other side of the public gallery.
Her barrister, Ben Myers KC, asked her: “Over the period of 2015 and 2016 we are looking at the babies on this indictment, could you put a figure on the number of babies you cared for in that period?"
Letby said: “It would be hundreds.”
Mr Myers said: “Did you care for them?”
Letby said: “Yes.”
Asked if she ever wanted to hurt any of them, she said: “No, that’s completely against being what a nurse is.”
She added: “Because I have always prided myself on being very competent and, potentially, I was not competent, it really affected me and I was taken away from the job I loved.
“It was life-changing, in that moment I was taken away from the support system I had on the unit, I was put in a role I did not enjoy and I had to pretend it was voluntary. It made me question everything about myself.”
Letby said she was first informed she was being blamed for the deaths of babies in a letter from the Royal College of Nursing in September 2016.
“It was sickening,” she said. “I just could not believe it. It was devastating. I don’t think you could be accused of anything worse than that.”
The nurse said she was “devastated” when she was removed from clinical duties. She said she was prescribed antidepressants by her GP, which she is still taking.
“How bad did the negative feelings get?” Mr Myers asked.
Letby replied: “There were times when I did not want to live. I thought of killing myself.”
Mr Myers said: “Had you done anything wrong?”
Letby replied: “No.”
Mr Myers said: “Then why did you think of killing yourself?”
Letby replied: “Because of what was being inferred.”
Referring to a Post-it note found in Letby’s home, Mr Myers asked: “You wrote ‘I killed them on purpose because I'm not good enough’. Had you done something intentionally to harm or kill them?”
Letby replied: “No.”
Mr Myers said: “Why did you think you may not be good enough?”
The defendant said: “Because that was the suggestion throughout ... that I had been removed from the unit, that I had done something wrong. That was what was being insinuated to me.”
Mr Myers said: “You wrote ‘I am evil I did this’. Why?”
Letby said: “Because I felt at the time I had done something wrong and I thought I’m such an awful, evil person ... that I had made mistakes and not known.”
Mr Myers asked: “What did you think you had done?”
Letby said: “That somehow I had been incompetent and I had done something wrong to affect these babies. I felt I must be responsible in some way.”
In the second half of the day, Letby was also asked about the hundreds of searches for people on Facebook, some of which related to the parents of babies she allegedly murdered or tried to kill.
Mr Myers asked if there was anything sinister in looking up on Facebook the parents of babies who she is accused of harming.
“They’re just people that have crossed my mind at that time,” she explained. “It’s general curiosity that I look at a lot of people.”
Mr Myers said: “Hurt them or do something to them?”
“No,” replied Letby. “I was always on my phone.”
She said she studied her nursing degree at the University of Chester and was the “first person in her family to go to university”.
During her studies she went on numerous work placements, she said, with the majority at the Countess of Chester Hospital, either on the children's ward or the neonatal unit.
Letby said she qualified as a Band 5 nurse in September 2011.
A court order prohibits reporting of the identities of surviving and deceased children allegedly attacked by Letby, and prohibits identifying parents or witnesses connected with the children.
Letby, from Hereford, denies all the allegations.
The trial continues.
