Love Triangle Recap: We Meet Our Singles Incl. One Who Mazzed Over A Match She’d Never Met

Hello and welcome to our first-ever Love Triangle recaps — a new Stan series from the same evil (yet brilliant) minds behind the shitshow that is Married At First Sight

Chantelle Love Triangle Love Triangle

Love Triangle Episode 1 Recap

Andy Warhol

so deep i may drown

Love Triangle two not

• Someone says ‘I love you’
• Someone cheats
• Someone lightly grazes a clothed willy
• There’s a Matty J-looking dude on this and I would/should have his children

Love Triangle Lisa

click clack front n’ back sis

where’s a rose quartz for my horny virgo queen

the power of dick compels u

everywhere Unfortunately

you have made it to the next round

Matty Patty same

nailed it horndog

would love to see u make soup

options I

do the curtains match the balls that go deep tho

Shrek

i’m in miami bitch

i’m tired can u go on top for a bit

50 Shades of Grey

better not slip off this seat

look at us connecting over things that matter

Love Triangle Alex and

will u accept this football

Mark Sloane Grey’s Anatomy

McSteamy

Bec Madison

i hate to be right

tell someone you’re hot without telling them you’re hot

!!!!!!!

yes i can tell stop talking

i will be attracted to this short-term but not long-term

Ly

pictured: stunner

Ben Danny The Vamps Demi Lovato The Masked Singer

analbeadprops.com now live for business

and none for Lorna Jane

thank u sweet long legs

what.to.ask.about.divorce

just on dunny call back l8er

two bfs = hard work

not sure what gave her that idea

ommgggg soooo cute!

well done team what a vibe

bzzz bzzz bitch

BODY AND SOUL, I’M A FREAK

didn’t

Brainstorm time!!!

Daddy

i didn’t choose the rogue life

hello man who has already made me cum

plenty more where that came from sweet peach

u r not what my wank bank had in mind

boom boom boom boom, I want u in my room

heteros can’t say slay this much doll

Sex & The City Desperate Housewives Harry Styles

CUTE

Budget Leonardo DiCaprio Budget Matty J

thank u god

any harder and that thing will fall of and be in a Toohey’s ad

how great that we’re on a date in a different state then

Chris Hemsworth

PSYCH

i have soul

the ginge will not get this minge

well this was unexpected

Episode 2 Recap

Love Triangle Yannick

perhaps you are just hard to miss

Belinda Erika Love Triangle Kyle

he’s a 5 but works a trade

my friends also describe me as ‘half-normal’

Leesh

baby get shaky after skool

take my strong hand

Love Triangle Madi

FML

help is on the way dear

how original and eventually false

this is not wot i ordered

say hot again, hot

squise me

no

sigh

THE SUSPENSE

no

tell ‘im sister

wait wot

o no u didn’t

listen here fuckface

no babe

woo woo, only me

geddit son

where is the keto drink menu

5am my ass

i work out at 5am, duh

better to be loved and sworn at than to never have loved at all

woo

shall i tongue-punch his oesophagus

u swear at ur ex with that mouth?

‘STRAYA hbu

James

hello sweet angel

is that good 4 u

kill me now

grool!

i had a gleat time

gotcha

Love Triangle Stan Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her here.

The post Love Triangle Recap: We Meet Our Singles Incl. One Who Mazzed Over A Match She’d Never Met appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .

. I’m and I’ll be recapping the entire season of over the next seven weeks because I’m a hoe for drama. I’m also single so have nothing — or no one — else better to do. Anyway. We copped two entire episodes of last night and we’re off to a bloody good start (from an entertainment perspective at least). Let’s tuck in. I’ve missed you lot. (Needless to say, BULK SPOILERS AHEAD.) OK, this is already a lot more cinematic than I expected it to be. We’ve kicked off with an quote delivered text-style because 2022. The narrator tells us that we’re all basically shitheads who “discard” people based on superficial information such as what car they drive. I knew my 2007 Toyota Corolla was cockblocking me. 10+ years of brutal rejection suddenly makes sense. But these producers have a solution! will see its participants commit to a partner without ever seeing each other or their automotive vehicles. Let’s break it down: six people are matched with suitors each who they’re allowed to text and call (for free after 8pm, likely). Unfortunately my voice sounds like a a 40-year-old man with no enthusiasm for anything in life, so I would not last on this show. They’re allowed to share pics or physically describe themselves and I’d love to know how they found men with biceps who could manage this. After three days they have to choose which of their two suitors they want to meet up with. They then move in together over a six-week experiment. All very normal. OK there’s a season-preview montage for the season and I can summarise it for you below: Time to meet our singles. Our first single — — implies she is a sex demon by saying her looks get her in a lot of “trouble’. Not regular trouble but “boom, bam, thank you mam, kind of trouble”. It’s not what she wants but people keep sliding into her DMs all keen-like. She says it sucks. I also get keen-like DMs from life coaches promising me big things, so I think (?) I know how she feels. She is a 32-year-old accounts payable officer who lives with her mum and this is literally everything I hoped against when I was a teenager. Lisa and Lisa’s mum have the kind of relationship where they discuss sex. And go shopping for crystals. Mum likes a particular crystal. Which is shaped like a crystal. “It’s a bit phallic, mum,” Lisa tells her. I too make too many dick references for my own good, but it’s so clear what Lisa’s storyline is going to be. She’ll either choose dick over depth (the emotional kind), or her suitor will pick freak-in-the-sheets over depth (the emotional kind). Turns out Lisa’s mum gave Lisa sex crystals to help her find a man. Now Lisa carries them she goes. I don’t even carry a wallet anymore, let alone a little baggy of rocks. Unless they’re crushed and less than $250, of course. Lisa wants kids. Fortunately making them can be fun. finding a daddy can be the opposite. “We’re not dating anymore, we’re auditioning for a husband,” Lisa’s friend tells her. Sadly this is true. “Put some sperm in me and knock me up,” Lisa laughs and I’ve never related to anyone more in my life. Sans crystals. And accounting. And sex talk with mum. Alright she’s been matched with railway worker “” and podcaster “” . She has to send the message to both matches, which I’m sure would end up destroying a relationship in the real world. She wants to talk about things like parallel universes and the Mandela Effect. She’s freaking out about what to say. So she comes up with this: Well, well, well — an interesting reply from Matt. Uh oh. He’s a country boy. They’re always funny because, well, they had to be, and therefore she is doomed because funny guys have . He lives in Melbourne now and fuck my life, we don’t get to see what they look like either. This is KILLING ME. Maybe it is that is the horny one? I’m getting serious intel through his hand gestures though. They are big. I like the movie . That is all. Patty’s turn. Lisa likes him even though he uses shit emojis like the winky one. Patrick saves lives, beats up people and has enjoyed the single life. “If you know what I mean,” he clarifies. Why does anyone say this? Everyone knows what you mean. We are not children. He’s a podcaster so clearly very unique and different to every other person in this world. I hate the way he dresses. He says he’s always on the go and doesn’t stop to smell the roses. Hate. Have a life! He reeks of an upcoming influencer ready to pollute our feeds with Hello Fresh discount codes. For some reason he tells us that sex is important to him and that he likes being “the dominant one”. Luckily he has now slipped into something more comfortable so I did not vomit immediately upon hearing this. Patrick facilitates conversation with someone he would like to eventually date by talking about… . Lisa checks herself before she wets herself. “OK, screw it. Let’s see how open-minded he is,” she tells herself/ the several cameramen and producers with her. Next single is the certified (Matty J-looking) hottie that I won’t be forgetting from the montage any time soon. works in technology sales. You’re saying he looks like that can update your iPhone when it actually prompts you to do so? That’s hot. He has only been single for like… a year and a half. Which is not that long. Which is unsurprising when you look like this: Fuck me dead, he just came out of a decade-long relationship. I haven’t even committed to a job that long let alone one specific human. He was married for five of those years. Divorced Daddy, welcome to the carnage. His heart is broken. He feels very rejected. He looks a bit like circa Season 3 to the side, no? But now he’s feeling good! He lives in a house! That he owns! He has family! And friends! But no partner to share it all with. So basically he has nothing. He says there is no better feeling in the world than loving someone and having that reciprocated — so he’s obviously never ordered UberEats to turn up at the exact time you get home from a night out. He’s been matched with a model () and a business owner () and I can already tell they’re going to be really hot and/or sweet. It’s time for him to text them some greatness. But he is making really funny constipated smiling faces — like the kind when you shoot a basketball goal and are proud of yourself but don’t want to make a big deal — and my girl boner is suddenly going a little soft. I think he’s going to have shit text game. And just game in general. Bec jumps straight in to tell him she’s a model. I feel like she’s breaking the rules by describing her physical appearance without describing her physical appearance. But go off Beccy Long Legs. Alex is keeping cool because he thinks she might be a foot model. But nope! She models bikinis and lingerie. Alex is keen based off one winky face and her career as a model. I love that hot people have to do the bare minimum. Madison is an aggressive exclamation mark-user which makes me unwell. I hope she is completely opposite and has a permanent resting-bitch-face in real life. She also has a case of iMessage diarrhoea. Poor Alex cannot get a text in edgewise. Alex likes that Madison owns her own business. He finds ambition sexy. Like most men. Until they find that they are eventually intimated by a female’s success. is a vibrant rollerskating counsellor who has insecurities around her Asian heritage. She says her type is typically Asian partners because she worries that Caucasian men might not find her attractive. She’s been matched with a builder () and an entrepreneur (). Ben confirms pretentious coffee orders are made in Melbourne only. He was in a band that toured with and . Why do I feel like I’m on ? I’m literally googling “Ben The Vamps Demi Lovato” in Google for clues as to what he looks like. This show is so many shows in one and I’m here for it. Danny has entered the chat. Danny owns a neon sign business and has a big, fluffy white dog that I can’t remember the breed name for right now. Ly likes Danny’s energy and not the kind that makes a neon sign operate. The chat has already entered sexy territory. Yay for connection on a deeper level!! Ly’s friend is a great hype girl OMG LOL and incredibly they workout in activewear that is not STAX. Alex tells his two girlfriends that he has been married before, which is nice preparation for the ladies as they tackle being single in their 30s. IYKYK. He thinks this was a “positive” response from Bec: Sorry but “no one’s perfect” is what you say when someone makes a mistake in life. Thoughts and prayers to the ex watching this and realising she’s made a man feel like he’s less loveable. Madison wants deets. Why do I feel like she took a while to respond because she was googling “what to say when someone tells you they’ve been married before”. He’s getting a phone call! Madi answers on her end like she works for a call centre. It is not comforting or relaxing for anyone involved. “Hi Alex, it’s Madi, how you going?!?!? Now it is clear this is in fact a Telehealth call. “How long were you married?” Madi asks. He tries to respond. “Five years but —” “Five years. And you’ve been single for 18 months, yeah?” She’s a spreadsheet girl. I can just feel it. They say, “Thanks Alex” and “Thanks Madison” to end the call. Am I meant to feel sparks and chemistry from this exchange? At least ask if he’s eligible for a rebate. Lisa is having such a hard time trying to coordinate two boyfriends that she has resorted to multitasking to ensure they both remain interested. She’s got a hunch Matt might be very Aussie. Meanwhile things are getting ~romantic~ with Patty. She says he is so naughty but she is “vibing” towards him more. WHAT A GREAT, OPPORTUNE TIME TO ZOOM IN ON THIS: Lisa says she doesn’t want to go down the sexting path but honey, bit late, no? She says even her friends have told her not to do that. The sexiest thing anyone’s receiving from me is omw (autocorrected to On my way!, unfortunately). She thinks she has left him hanging but pretty sure the jig is up. Heavens to Besty it’s raining dildos in this household. The way she steps over her makeshift fluro-pink meat slapper? I simply cannot deal. Also these things don’t need to be charged very often. Patty really knows how to work a girl up. She says she only had “like, 3 hours sleep” because she couldn’t stop thinking about Patty. And surely his phallic crystals. There it is. She admitted she did the big Mazz to a man she has never seen or met. Sure, normalise taking your bits to town. But wow, I really hope wank-bank Paddy measures up to IRL Paddy. The producer states the obvious, saying she doesn’t know what Patrick looks like, so how did she…. buzz one out? “No I know, it’s kind of creepy right?” she says. She asks Patty if he also touched himself. Can someone remind me how this establishes deep connections? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be in a relationship that’s full of dud roots either. But come on, isn’t this everything she said she want? SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. What is this? Does that hat say… ? Will Daddy get Lisa… lei’d? There is a lot to unpack here and I can’t even begin to understand this math, mostly because it isn’t mathing. Lisa cannot hold out any longer and is breaking her three-day rule. She has decided to move in with Patrick and it is currently unknown whether she will need (or want) all her sex merchandise. I feel like she could’ve given the other dude (Matty) a chance to send her a peach or eggplant emoji and showcase his unwavering love for her, but she must do as her shirt tells her to do: Oh my, they’re meeting each other already. I didn’t expect so much from the first episode. Lisa wants a blonde haired, blue-eyed “true blue” Aussie. He walks in. He is not blonde. He does not have blue eyes. “Not my usual type. If I saw him on a dating app, I would swipe left.” Lisa’s trying to push that aside but I can tell she’s dying inside. Now that the physical attraction isn’t there, the sexual innuendo, including but not limited to, “going deep” is just creepy. He tells her he does a lot of “content creation” and fighting and travels a lot to do so. Translation: pack the dildos, sis. She clarifies whether or not he does boxing overseas. “No I don’t,” he responds. “but one day I might”. LOLOLOLOLOL. That’s one way to manifest, I guess. He says he loves boxing because it is “primal.” “Babe, we start sleeping at then boom boom boom, 4 o’clock in the morning, bad guys are out there.” “Someone’s got to slay the dragon.” Everyone take note. What happens when someone thinks with your vagina? They get a dick. “Cool,” says Lisa before changing the topic to what he likes to do on weekends. “Most of the time I’m out slaying things.” I just spat my dinner, but not far enough for it to come out of my actual mouth. He warns her that he is very productive and doesn’t want to watch or , which proves only that he’s capable of the millennial pause. “Things need to get done,” he declares. “Gotta slay the beasts.” Lisa admits that the sexual chemistry isn’t as strong now that they’ve met. And upon discovering he’s the kind of person who says “slay” non-ironically? “Some of the comments he’s made have closed me off a little bit. Because it did turn me off.” She wouldn’t go on a second date with him. Lesson here? Never masturbate over someone you’ve never met. Unless it’s . Or his spit. Ly is stressed about her decision between Ben and Danny. She is sad that she is 28 and doesn’t know what she wants, so she’ll no doubt be sadder when she feels the same way in another decade. She is veering towards Ben to challenge herself. She’s still nervy so asks Ben what he will do if he’s not attracted to her. He doesn’t respond immediately so she changes her mind and chooses Danny. She calls Danny and he doesn’t pick up. Ben replies and says all the right things eg. it’s what in the inside that counts. Ly calls Ben. Ben sounds hot. Ben is a hot tradie. Ben is the nice, hot tradie that we all want to marry so he can break your furniture and then fix it afterward. I’m calling it. Alex is next to choose. He’s banging on about model Bec and if he chooses her I will call forever him . Nope, he’s gone Madison because he likes dates that mirror GP appointments. I guess I will have to call him instead. Or Divorced Daddy. I’m still making my mind up. For some reason they have chosen to go to what looks like Paddington Reservoir Gardens in Sydney, where there is not much else to do but sit. She’s hot. He’s hot. Everyone’s hot and healthy-looking. I can’t see either of them fanging to the dunny for a vape hit. He is so happy he just may bite off his own tongue. She’s from Mildura and I went to an old gaol near there once. Cool. They live near each other. He’s in South Melbourne. She’s in Mornington. Cool. Alex’s marriage is brought up. He says it’s been about 15 months since they split because breakups are counted in months like babies. Madison says it’s not that long. She is right. She asks if his ex-wife has moved on. Alex says yes. She says “ok” as if she is deciding whether or not he is really over her, or is just using the show as a fuck you. There it is. She tells him she’s been cheated on by two previous partners with their exes. DEM FUCKING EXES HAD THEIR CHANCES, AMIRITE? “Sorry that’s happened to you. That’s really shit.” I can’t tell if I love or hate this Divorced Matty J but what I can tell you is: this a good response when someone shares something terrible they’ve experienced. “Should’ve kissed her,” he says in the car. I feel like I’ve seen this in a movie before. All signs point to this  going well but I struggle to believe it will. I feel like they would have really shit sex? Ly and Ben! Please be so hot and so kind. I feel it in his voice. I think she is imagining . Same, kind of. Oh there he is! “Oh my god. Oh…” That guy was so planted it’s not even funny — the way he casually looked around? — so I’m thinking Ben is not blonde. THERE HE IS. Ben is not blonde! Ben is not brunette! Ben is redheaded! Or… “orange hair”,  as Ly puts it. The energy is uncomfortable even though I like his. “He’s got orange hair! In a nice way, of course.” A… nice way? A nice way. Hold on. My friend has a nose! In a nice way of course. My brother has a mole! In a nice way of course. From here on out, whenever I point out someone’s feature I will follow up with “in a nice way of course” just to be a mindfuck. Ly’s not done with her Ben feedback. “He wasn’t too crazily tall. Thank god.” Ly, sorry what? Tall = sane and always good. She’s not that excited about Ben but has NO RAGRATS. Well, she didn’t. Until several minutes later when they went for a drink. Ly is wigging out to the producers and the editing is making it look like Ben can hear the whole thing. She says things like she wants to leave, she doesn’t know if she can go through with this, that he’s not her usual type, and the energy is not there. Which is exactly the text message I send to people I don’t want to date. Back to the horny trainwreck that is Lisa and Patrick. They start connecting after she shares her upbringing with her father, who appears to have had a gambling addiction. She becomes vulnerable and emotional and Patrick acts like less of a beast-slayer. “Well tonight’s been fun,” Lisa says, clearly lying. She gives him a sex rock. He gives her a kiss. Which is both unexpected and sloppy. He tells her he will poke more than her buttons. “Where are you staying tonight,” he asks. “Not telling you,” she says with her mouth but not with her brain, heart, vagina or eyes. They make out outside. We have three more singles for this experiment. Let’s meet these lunatics. — or Yan — is 31 and reckons he is a conquest because people think he is famous? He also says he is “the walking Tinder” because he can pick up anywhere. He thinks all eyes are on him when he walks into a room. This could very well be true. But you’re also 6’4 with a fro. But it’s not just looks he has, people! He also has charisma, charm and about 17 other traits he deems attractive, even though he is single and on a show looking for love. “Looking the way that I do, I meet a lot of women. I’ve definitely broken my fair share of hearts.” Knowing what I do, I don’t like you. He gets nudes sent to him that he “didn’t even ask for”. Imagine that! Try being a woman and report back to me. He wants someone to put him in his place. Couldn’t hurt, I guess. He’s been matched with and . He sends the same message to both of them which I’m sure he has plenty of practice doing. He thinks Belinda is “basic” because she wants to go to Disneyland one day. How dare she. Erika, on the other hand, gets tough-girl music because she wants to skydive in Dubai and wears leather jackets. She doesn’t bring anything to the table because she is the motherfucking table. Say it louder, queen. Now to another single. is a sparky from Townsville who is definitely higher than the 5/10 he classifies himself as. He was chubby in school and still sees himself as that kid because having body insecurities stick with you. He says he has banter which can only mean one thing: he has absolutely no fucking banter. He goes for the parmi VS parma debate and I hate being right. is from the Central Coast and unless she’s torn it up at Sirens I do not care to know her. Unfortunately she is “addicted to fitness” so this is unlikely. Kyle is definitely shaking reading these messages. Kyle’s mate gives him basic texting 101 — like waiting until they answer your first question before asking a second question — which is probably why Kyle has thumb cramps from all the iMessage action. I believe there was another girl Kyle was texting but she’s not addicted to fitness like him so we know he won’t pick her. Next single! is a 30-year-old events planner. She was with her ex for seven years but he cheated on her with multiple people. And everyone knew. Which left her feeling embarrassed – fair enough. Cheaters need to take more accountability for the humiliation and deep shame they leave in their partner’s life by rooting half the region. She’s been matched with two dudes in their late 20s, so both younger than her. She’s also been told she texts like a 60-year-old woman, so I’m sure the tiny age difference will be felt over the phone. James sells trucks. He has only had one relationship that lasted three months. He plays basketball so is surely over six-foot. Daniel calls her “darlin” and now is the time she decides it’s inappropriate to text like a 60-year-old. She says it reminds her of her dad, so she is for sure going to choose Daniel. He proceeds to call her “babe” which upsets her. Over at Yan’s decision-making, he is continuing to stroke his ego. He likes Erika. “She’s feisty and fiery which I love, but maybe she’s a little crazy.” How dare she have a personality. Crazy behaviour!!! Her response sums up how I feel about any man who tells me they like a woman with ambition, direction, or who puts them in their place: Belinda though? “The girl-next-door that you kind of marry, that’s the vibe I get from her.” The “basic” girl who likes Disneyland? Because she talks about roads. Take note, ladies. Town planning chat and “basic” dreams = marriage material. Personality = crazy!! He calls Erika and tells her she’s the one. For this six-week experiment. That will likely not end in marriage. Erika looks exactly as I would have imagined. But Yan is not her type, which will be crazy (!!!) news for him to find out. She wants a light-skinned, blue-eyed viking-looking dude (Chris Hemsworth) and not someone who looks like a basketball player (Yan). How does Yan feel about Erika? “She’s hot. She’s hot. She’s definitely hot.” She tells Yan that she’s not into his fro. He behaves like he has never heard this before, but tells her she’s going to have to learn to love it because it’s part of who he is. I like that. Change for no one. Unless that person wants you to be more humble and say “hot” less. She’s a Scorpio and only now will I allow Yan to call her crazy. His starsign combined with something else horoscope-y makes him a great white shark? I don’t know this riddle but he calls himself a “predator” as part of the conversation and it doesn’t go down well. He then talks about his modelling and weight which is weird. I think he would take a long time to get ready. Back to Madi. She’s talking to the truckie (salesman) and I’d like to date him if available please. Check this out: Madi says it’s a red flag when men call their ex-girlfriends psychos. I love her for knowing basic human decency and blame-shifting when so many others don’t. Uh oh she starts reading a message from Daniel and stops and it’s so obvious he’s about to say something cooked. Tell us! Jesus mother of christ. Goodbye Daniel. Nice not knowing you. It’s the next morning and she’s decided to give Daniel a call in case him being a total asshole was just a misinterpretation. Unlikely but go off sis. He sounds fine. As in not horrible. Very Aussie. He asks how she is. She says she’s good. He responds…. “Fuck yeah!” “Did you just say, ‘Fuck yeah’?” she asks. She is very taken aback by the fucks and the yeahs. “It is exactly what I said.” Confident. Do we love or hate? She reminds him that she finds men who call exes toxic and psychos a a boner-killer. “It is what it is,” he responds. “Gotta call a spade a spade… BABE.” He tells her that he says random things she may not understand because he has a personality. She is not impressed by that. Neither am I. He says if he doesn’t pick her he’s not “going to like, cry about it.” Can we hang up on this guy already? I don’t care if he’s six-foot-seven. He is a certified wanker. She tells him “Good chat” which is basically polite for “Fuck off and die”. A good thing she did considering he replied “C ya BABE”. She chose James because she has working brain cells. But before they meet, Kyle the 5/10 sparky needs to make his decision. He chooses Leesh — the fitness fanatic from the Cenny Coast bruh. I bet she’s gone up Terrigal Skillion a few times. He’s waiting for her to arrive IRL and a voice saying “Kyle?” suggests that she is in fact a woo girl. Confirmed by the fact she wears all yellow. He holds her hand straight away and . Loving this new-found confidence. Kyle asks Leesh if she’s a “vodka, lime, soda girl” and for some reason I am personally offended by this. He gets tequila, lime and soda because it’s “70 calories” and for anyone who has ever counted calories before, I don’t need to say much more. This comment makes me feel many things but mostly it’s triggering. He works out in the arvo but she works out at 5am so they are now doomed. “What is wrong with you,” he asks Leesh — something every girl is just dying to hear. “Six years of being single???” He asks her what the craziest thing she’s ever done is and maybe I backed her too soon because this is a bloody doozy. When her last partner broke up with her and moved to Townsville, she quit her job and booked a one-way ticket to follow him there. She found his address and rocked up there to see if he would change his mind. He did not change his mind and apparently “had a few swear words”. Fucking chaotic energy. Shit that I would imagine doing but never follow through because I care about my dignity. And finances. And prefer to humiliate myself over text and then worry about bumping into them for the next eight months. If that happened to me I too would go to the gym at 5am every morning to feel in control of something. I can’t remember how old Leesh is, but the dating decisions I made at 18 were very different to those at 24. And 24 to 30 and so on. Six years is a long time ago, so I’m not going to judge too early. She does not share this ex debacle with Kyle, FYI. “I’ll keep you in suspense with that one,” she warns. He asks if it’s a red flag and she says no which is a lie. They say goodbye but hug for a bit too long. Like they’re contemplating a kiss. Ooo, there it is! A Peck. She just met him but already misses him and there is C-R-A-Z-Y music playing in the background. Madi is about to meet truckie salesman James and is googling first date conversation starters. I HAVE TO SEE WHAT COMES UP. Ok I will die if she brings any or all of these things up. James is in the house. Oh! James! . You are tall and cool and I don’t like this undercut manbun combo but you have a good energy so I will allow it. She is literally nipple-height on this man. I hope he doesn’t wear Lynx Africa because there’s no escaping that shit when you live in their armpit. They’re sitting now which is much more comfortable for her neck, I’m sure. She tells him about her dirty dog ex and James assures her that what you see is what you get with him. She is happy about that. To which he responds: “Glate.” GLATE. Someone put me in a coffin I would be ruined if I said that to someone Iiked. He meant to say “glad” OR “great” but cooked it. I love it. So does Madi who is clapping her hands like a seal. She likes him and they hug goodbye without anyone knocking an eye out. GLEAT news! Back at Yan and Erika’s date, she asks if he has trouble picking up girls. He says no and she rolls her eyes but sorry honey, you set that one up knowing exactly what was coming. He reminds her that he is 6’4 “without the fro” and she can smell that’s a recurring material of his. He assures he doesn’t use that line very often even though I’ve heard it three times in this episode alone. He thinks she has walls up and she agrees, but they seem to be getting closer. I hate that this proves nothing except that if you spend enough time with anyone, you will warm up to them eventually. They say goodbye out the front and he twirls her which makes me sick. Such a standard tipsy thing to do when one person wants to tongue and the other doesn’t really know. Oh my god he put one on her. She didn’t pull away! Damn it maybe this guy is onto something. OK next week ( airs Thursdays on at 4pm AEDT) the couples move in together and begin their processes of despising one another. Looks hectic.