The contest for Tory leader is most wonderfully entertaining. As Boris Johnson ’s supporters are determined to continue his work they’re desperate for the unhinged candidates to come together so as not to split the “deranged vote”.
There are articles in some Conservative newspapers that go: “We face the awful threat of someone becoming leader who isn’t a psychopath.
“So it’s essential we unite behind a single fruit bat, who can ensure the country continues to move forward in a manner that is mental.”
They seem to have opted for Liz Truss. She was reassuring when she started her campaign by saying: “I will be ready to start as Prime Minister from day one”.
This is unlike the other candidates, who say: “If I win, I won’t be able to start until November as I have to work out my four weeks’ notice at a garden centre, then I’ve got a holiday booked in Cornwall. Even then I won’t be able to do Wednesdays as that’s when I pop round to see Mum.”
She’s made it clear she will uphold the values of the departing PM. One rumour is that she will ask all the candidates to take a lie-detector test, confident she’ll fail it quicker than any of the others, proving she’ll keep his legacy going.
The other candidates are more traditional. So they pose for photos on a lawn or in front of a book about Nelson, and make statements such as: “I believe in BRITISH objects, such as BRITISH settees and BRITISH dandelions, which are the best dandelions in the world.” Rishi Sunak tried to be more artistic, with a film in which he told the charming story of how his grandparents met in India and came here to make a better life.
I haven’t seen the end but I expect he says: “If I’d been in the government at the time I’d have sent the bastards back.”
All the candidates are competing with each other to see who will cut taxes more than anyone.
Rishi Sunak is a strong leader in this field, as he can say: “I have a proven record in cutting taxes, as my wife has already cut her own taxes to sod-all by registering her money in India. Top that, Penny Mordaunt.” Penny Mordaunt is the most popular with the public, because we don’t know anything about her so we don’t yet know why she’s doolally.
This is often the way to win a Tory leadership election, to be the unknown one so it’s only after they win we discover they’re secretary of the local Golliwog Appreciation Society, or the lead singer in a Gary Glitter tribute band.
The next stage is to win the hearts of local Tory members, by making speeches such as: “I am the only candidate who can take our country forward by making the homeless work as fireworks.” The rules should be changed, so the loser in each round has to pretend to be happy as they’re kicked off, while being consoled by Claudia Winkleman.
