Do you worry that your children will grow up to deal with stress by drinking or overeating, just like you do?
If there are people in your family who have struggled with addictions and you find yourself becoming attached to things easily or using cigarettes, alcohol or substances to deal with stress, how likely are your children to do the same?
And what can you do to break those generational cycles?
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I spoke with Lauren Smith, a Master Practitioner and Coach in Neuro Linguistic Programming, Hypnotherapy and Time Line Therapy about resetting our unconscious minds and creating positive, long lasting changes.
Addiction is most commonly associated with gambling, drugs, alcohol and smoking but it's possible to become addicted to just about anything.
You can become addicted to work, shopping, internet surfing, computer games, social media, exercise, overeating or sex. Addiction can also manifest in milder ways, like impulsiveness, reckless behaviour and nonconformity.
Some studies suggest a person's risk of becoming addicted is partly genetic, and its widely accepted that you absorb information about how to cope with stress from watching your parents.
So, if your mum used to drink a bottle of wine every night and fly through a multi-pack of crisps while your dad smoked a lot of weed, chances are, you’re on your way into adulthood with very few healthy tools to cope with stress.
And those who find it difficult to cope with stress or difficult situations, are more likely to be drawn to substances to forget about their problems.
You may even feel like you enjoy smoking, drinking, overeating or shouting when stressed, as it makes you feel better.
But is this the coping behaviour that you wish to pass on to your children? Unlearning your unconscious behaviours using willpower alone can be very hard. You may have tried lots of things, but feel like you’re unable to change.
Lauren works with people within prisons, the NHS, schools and the community, who struggle with their mental health. She also offers coaching an hypnotherapy to private clients who are ready to let go of habits that are no longer serving them.
Below are a series of questions I asked Lauren and her advice to anyone wanting to change their behaviour before its too late.
Is addiction genetic?
Lauren said: "There is a lot of research that suggests genetics do play a role, however, I think that if we solely focus on one side of the argument, we’re disempowering ourselves by believing that we have little control over our life path.
"Many addictions, such as smoking, form as a result of learned behaviour, from our parents or peers. We develop unconscious programmes when we’re younger.
"We develop behaviours that are unhealthy, not because we’re 'destined' to, but because its what we were taught.
"By focusing on what we can control and change (our thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, and programming) we can then release the grip on addiction and let go of those unwanted behaviours, regardless of our DNA.”
If you do smoke, drink, overeat or use recreational drugs, what are the chances that your children will grow up to do the same?
Lauren added: “Considering that a lot of our unconscious programmes are instilled in us primarily during the ages of 0-seven, its highly likely that what children observe, they will repeat.
"If we compound that with the research supporting the claim that genetics play a role in addiction, then its extremely likely that we’re setting our children up for very similar experiences.
"Parents and care givers are the first role models we ever have. We use them as a frame of reference to know whether what we’re doing is right or wrong.
"The beliefs we formed as children were never ours to begin with. They may not be our fault but become 100% our responsibility, once we become adults.”
If someone is unable to stop smoking, overeating, drinking alcohol or shopping online to cope with stress, what would your advice be? What can they do?
She said: “Firstly, its about having the awareness that you have an unwanted behaviour.
"Bring your awareness to the dissatisfaction you feel and accept that you’re behaving in ways you don’t actually want to. A lot of people live through the lens of denial, but live with a lingering sense of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
"Accept it. Then start to work on where this behaviour developed from. Finding the root cause of this behaviour enables us to figure out why its happening.
"Are you trying to avoid something else? What other uncomfortable feelings are you masking by habitually using the unhealthy coping mechanisms? Then you can turn your focus on working with the underlying issue.”
“Our minds are primarily split into two – the conscious and unconscious. The conscious mind is considered our 'creative' mind.
"It’s what separates us from other animals and allows us to have conscious self-awareness. We can form ideas here, think rationally and make decisions.
"However, 95% of our mind is unconscious. The unconscious mind can resist change from the conscious mind. So using conscious effort and thoughts to create deep changes, often doesn’t work.
"We have to tap into our unconscious mind. From there we can directly reprogram unwanted thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and behaviours. This can be done by using hypnosis, either by using resources yourself or with a trained hypnotherapist.”
Is all addiction born from underlying anxiety or stress?
Lauren said: “No. There could be many reasons why people become addicted to substances or unwanted behaviours. Experiencing trauma and other mental health issues can lead to using unhealthy coping mechanisms as a way of alleviating pain.
"However, some addictions form due to a lack of awareness around the effects of experimentation. Social influence may lead a person to use substances recreationally, and leave pleasure seekers wanting more and never feeling fully satisfied."
How much work does it take to break a generational toxic trait?
She added: "How we think about a problem determines the outcome. If we believe it to be difficult then it will be. That’s not to diminish or invalidate the struggle of battling an addiction.
"But if we’re fully commit to resolving the core issue and believe that change is possible, it can be done with relative ease. Breaking generational traumas and toxic traits starts with an individual deciding that this is where it ends.
"Once we commit to making this happen, not only by use of the conscious mind, but by working with our subconscious programming, we can create deep, long-lasting change.”
Is it too late to do this work after you have children?
She said: “It’s never too late to decide to better yourself. There are many people who have overcome 30 / 40+ year long addictions. They probably wished they’d done it sooner, but there is is no time like now.
"Being a role model and a positive example for your children can instil the idea that we have choices and that we’re able to become better.”
So, now we’re ready to make those changes, where do we turn?
Lauren added: “Your GP is a good place to start, particularly if you require physical detox. But there are other forms of effective therapeutic intervention for those who have addictions such as smoking, over-spending, gambling, etc.
"Hypnotherapy is used to work directly with the unconscious programmes within your mind create those very habits and behaviours.
"There are other talking therapies, such as CBT, which can help to resolve other trauma and mental health related issues. Doing both together would be a winning combination."
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