Heartbroken Kirk Norcross has revealed the emotional moment he lay next to his father’s body after he took his own life and said: “thanks for all you did for us dad, I promise I’ll make you proud.”
In his first newspaper interview since Mick ’s death – aged 57 – he told how finding him, giving him CPR in vain and lying with him “made me a man in that very moment”.
The former TOWIE star revealed how he initially went on a five-day cocaine and drink bender and even planned his own suicide before getting himself straight.
And now Kirk, who has been clean of booze and drugs for 10 months, has just been announced as an ambassador for suicide charity Papyrus and now helps “10 to 20 people a day” online who are dealing with depression or thinking of taking their own life.
In an exclusive interview, brave Kirk, 34, said: “My dad was my idol, he was my hero.
“In some ways I’m pleased it was me who found him but it will be etched in my mind for the rest of my life. I tried to give him CPR but it was no good.
“When I realised he’d passed, I lay next to his body, kissed him on the head and said: ‘thank you for everything you did dad and sorry for all I have done. I promise I'll do my best.’
“I cuddled him for a while, run my fingers through his hair. I remember it was so soft. It was that moment he died I became a man. I knew I had to try and make him proud.”
Speaking about now becoming an ambassador for Papyrus, he said: “Going through something as awful as that means only one good thing which is that you have the experience to help others.
“I have 10 to 20 people message me a day saying they feel suicidal or feel depressed. I try my hardest to give them advice without giving them too much in case it might tip them over the edge.
“It's an honour to be an ambassador for the charity. If it wasn't for my kids I would probably not be here myself. It's a real honour to be an ambassador for something that is so close to my heart. I want to help other. I want to urge others to talk about their feelings.
“It's amazing to know that I might be saving some people’s life. One woman messaged me tell me she was going to end her life the night before but didn't after watching one of my videos online telling people to open up about things.”
Today Kirk reveals how his dad’s suicide was caused by a combination of the pressures of lockdown and projects he had invested his money in grinding to a halt due to the pandemic.
He also admitted that, in hindsight, he’d seen the signs his dad was struggling and even admitted he only found out his dad had tried to take his own life just two months before.
On his first attempt, Kirk said: “It was clearly a cry for help which I sadly knew nothing about at the time. If I had known this, I would never have let my dad do what he did. I would have handcuffed myself to him and got everyone together and said: ‘spiritually, lovingly and financially, I'll do anything for you dad.’”
Kirk, who has spoken before about having his own battles with suicidal thoughts, was one of the originally members of ITV2 hit TOWIE when it started in 2010 alongside stars like Mark Wright and Amy Childs.
He later appeared on Celebrity Big Brother and Celebrity Love Island. But Kirk now has his own jet washing business.
Kirk believes his dad, who was also seen on TOWIE as the owner of nightclub The Sugar Hut, started to struggle when he bought the Sugar Hut in Brentwood around 15 years ago.
He said: “My dad was always a fiercely hard-working bloke and had a positive mental attitude about everything. He would also turn a negative into a positive. He was old school. He walked with his head up and chest out. But buying the Sugar Hut was not a great investment. Nothing to do with him but I think he thought he was buying something else.”
His struggles with the nightclub continued when there was a fire in 2009 – leaving Mick to shell out £1million in refurbishment costs and pay staff £36,000 a month in wages.
Kirk said: “Then about six years ago he put most of his money into three properties. He’d never done a property deal until six years ago. He took on three sites at once. He left himself very little disposable capital. I think it was his goal to try to make enough money for multiple generations to come. He was always aspiring to more.”
But when lockdown was enforced on the nation in March 2020, work on all Mick’s projects ground to a halt.
Kirk said: “It was obviously getting to him in hindsight but like so many didn’t want to talk about it. I started seeing signs that he wasn't himself in lockdown. Usually, even if he had nothing to do in a day he would get himself showered and put a nice jumper on just to watch the TV.
“But he started wearing this grey tracksuit number and was moping around the house a bit. He was always so ‘chest out and head high’ bloke.
“I used to joke to him ‘where has your chest gone man, pull yourself together.’ It’s the way we’d talk to each other.
“I just put his move down to dealing with lockdown. He was a diabetic that was properly locked down for 12 weeks at the start of it. I guess what I’d say to others is always try to spot the signs even when you don’t suspect them.”
But unbeknown to Kirk at the time, at 7am on January 21 2020, Mick had posted a cryptic tweet- saying: “reminding yourself that you did the best you could.”
Kirk remembered: “On the day of his death, I so vividly remember seeing him. I lived on the same land as him, I could see his window from mine. We had a little competition every morning whoever put their lights on first would have to make the other one a cup of tea. It was my turn that morning.
“I was sitting in the kitchen when he came in at 8am he seemed in quite a good mood. He told me he had a plan for how he was going to sort everything out. He nicked a bit of my breakfast as he often did and then went off about his day. I don't think then could have imagined that that would have been the last time I saw him alive.
“I went to work and told one of my friends for some reason that I was going to lose my dad that week. It's so weird I did that. On the way home I bought two scratch cards – again not something I would usually do - went home and prayed to God and said: “I hope that these tickets might give my dad a bit of luck and help him out at the moment. I had lunch and then fell asleep.
“I was woken up by text from someone saying, ‘I cannot find your dad’. I sensed this was bad.
“His shoes were still by the door and the key was also in the back door so I knew he was in the house. I had a horrible feeling about it. I climbed onto the roof terrace, I smashed a window, cut my hand, I knew something was wrong. I went into the basement. My dad was there. He’d gone.”
Kirk, who had had problems with cocaine before, said the shock sent him into a five-day drug and drink binge. It was during this binge he planned his own suicide in his mind.
He said: “After dad died, I planned my own suicide. I wanted to die. I planned what I would be wearing, what I was going to do. I was going to film a bedtime story for my kids. I had to shout myself back from the thought of it and I went to speak to my dad’s partner. Immediately talking about it made me feel better, which is something I would urge others feeling like that to do.
“At that time, I was so worried that something would snap in my head like something snapped in my dad’s head.”
Kirk eventually got himself straight, reattended Narcotics Anonymous sessions and has now been clean for ten months.
But he says, he still tries his hardest to see the positives every day – something he would advise others who are struggling to do.
He said: “I play my dad’s death out every night. I definitely have PTSD. Every time I tie my shoelace, do push ups at the gym, normal stuff, it’s there, burnt into my mind. I try to see the positives in life now as my dad always did. I hope that now I can help others to talk, open up and know that they are not alone like my dad may have felt."
Dad-of-two Kirk, who is now in the process of selling his dad’s home in Brentwood, Essex and moving to Cambridgeshire, added: “I talk to my dad more than I ever did when he was alive. I talk to him if I'm going to a business meeting, a date, I'll ask him questions. I’ve just got this feeling he's there with me.
“My dad was under great strain. In an odd way, I respect my dad more since he is gone because I know what he did for us as a family. I realise now why he was cranky at times, why he was often so busy.
“My dad did more in his 57 years than most people do in 80 years.
“I’m now making it my aim to help others using my experiences. It’s what dad would want me to do. I wish my dad could see the man that I've become. He'd be so proud.
“If I could be 5 per cent of the man he was, I'd be happy.”
* If you are feeling suicidal or affected by issues talked about by Kirk then contact Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org or call 0800 068 41 41 or contact Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
