Kate Lawler has bravely recalled her battle with undiagnosed postnatal depression.
The first female Big Brother winner, 41, has explained how things got so bad at one point, she came close to shaking her then-two-month-old baby.
Kate and partner Martin 'Boj' Bojtos, 38, welcomed their first child together into the world last February - daughter Noa.
Since then, the Virgin Radio DJ has candidly documented all the ups and downs that come with being a first-time mum on social media, and is set to reveal more in her debut book, Maybe Baby.
In the honest memoir, Kate admits she at one point, while suffering from undiagnosed postnatal depression, how "emotionally drained" she felt when she almost shook her crying newborn.
Speaking to The Sun, Kate recalls: "I remember rocking her, going: 'Shush, shush.' But you’re just like: ‘Oh my god, please. What can I do?’ The sound of a baby crying when you’re emotionally drained, when you haven’t slept and you already feel so depleted… you’re lacking energy and you’re hungry and you’re tired and your partner is sleeping next door and you’re thinking: 'Oh my god, why am I doing this?'"
Despite loving and doting on her only child, Kate had been struggling with suicidal thoughts and was horrified about how close she had come to hurting her.
Writing in her debut book, Maybe Baby, the mum-of-one says: "I remember rushing into the bedroom and literally screaming: 'I can’t do this any more!' and I put Noa down on the bed firmly, in a way that made me realise I was so close to shaking her, and I ran upstairs to our loft, so scared at what I’d nearly done."
The former reality TV star credits her partner of eight years with forcing her to get professional help and insisting she couldn't handle her battle alone.
The mum-of-one went on to get a night nanny for three nights a week until she felt better and began regular therapy sessions and taking antidepressants.
The star also revealed both she and partner Boj are in agreement that one child "is enough" and Noa won't be an only child thanks to being surrounded by cousins, dogs and other children.
Chatting about how she was reluctant to have a baby, she admitted had her partner not wanted to have kids, they'd probably "be happily child-free".
The radio star had previously never had any desire to tie the knot or give birth - even having an abortion at the age of 37 - but felt ready and "excited" when she fell pregnant with Noa.
Reflecting about her experience with poor mental health in her latest interview, Kate expressed her desire to help "normalise having postnatal depression" in order to help other women.
"I think we’re seeing a shift towards women being more open and honest about their mental health postnatally," she told The Sun.
"It’s important to have these conversations. I didn’t think it would ever happen to me. I want to normalise having postnatal depression or even just feeling low and like you’ve made a mistake or you regret having the baby, as it’s normal to feel like that."
She added: "It’s really tough, parenting. I’ve never ever found it easy, even now that Noa has turned one."
*If you are struggling with mental health, you can speak to a trained advisor from Mind mental health charity on 0300 123 3393 or email info@mind.org.uk
