I've spent the past week knee-deep in searches and promo pages to round up the best Black Friday and Cyber Monday camera deals. As a result, there have been far too many Amazon tabs open in my browser for far too long.
Well, Amazon noticed. And it was obviously very confused. You know how Amazon recommends you more stuff, based on the stuff you've been looking at? Well, I've been looking at such a bizarre and non-sequitur range of camera gear that clearly Amazon thinks I will buy any old crap.
DVDs and instruction manuals for decade-old DSLRs. Editing software on a Windows 98 CD-ROM. A lime green American Idol camera.
I thought I'd seen some junk on the depths of Amazon before, but this took the back alley bric-a-brac to all new levels. Here are the "highlights" of the crap that Amazon recommended to me while I was trying to be a good person and find deals to save you money…
American Idol Digital Camera ($7)
If you've ever wanted a lime green digital camera on a keychain with a tiny American Idol logo on it, this is the camera for you. There's no indication of its specs, though it promises to be able to take stills and video, as well as act as a webcam.
The highlight here is ostensibly the included software that enables you to "put yourself onto the American Idol stage"… but you'll need a Windows XP computer to run said software – or to download your images, as there's no memory card on this camera. Which means, there's no other way to get your files off it.
The description suggests that you "throw it in your pocket and go". I suggest that you throw it in the trash and forget this ever happened.
Nikon School DVD: Fast, Fun & Easy Great Digital Pictures ($6.96)
How quaint, Amazon is recommending me a DVD! And I say that as someone who still buys physical media (so maybe I brought this recommendation on myself). However, perhaps the only thing quainter than Amazon recommending a DVD in 2024 is that it's recommending a DVD designed for the Nikon D40 / D40X, which was launched in 2006.
So, what can I expect from this digital versatile disc for a camera that's approaching two decades old? Well, I'll get 35 minutes of knowledge bombs from National Geographic Traveler photographer Bob Krist (in 16x9 widescreen, no less).
"Bob will lead you through a fun day of shooting while explaining the advantages of the various Digital Vari-Program Modes," threatens the description. Who knew that insomnia could be cured in 35 minutes.
ArcSoft Camera Suite 1.3 ($5.98)
At last, I can say goodbye to my Adobe subscription! Gone are the days of paying through the nose for Creative Cloud – for just six bucks, I can get ArcSoft PhotoImpression and ArcSoft VideoImpression on one handy CD-ROM.
There's a catch, though. Remember how you needed Windows XP to run the software for that American Idol camera? Well, that's positively futuristic compared to this – because ArcSoft Camera Suite 1.3 requires Windows 98SE / Me / 2000. Or Macintosh 9 / X if you're one of those strange people who owns an Apple Macintosh computer.
No time to worry about that, though – Amazon warns me in bold letters that there's "Only 1 left in stock – order soon"…
Nikon D700 User's Manual ($22.99)
Who even knew that Amazon sold camera manuals? Is this why the last camera I bought had the manual missing from the box? Come to think of it, who even knew that camera manuals were worth so much… I should dig all of mine out and make a nice chunk of change!
Still, I've never owned a Nikon D700 (a rather fine full-frame professional DSLR camera that came out in 2008), so maybe I should pick up the manual to see what I was missing out on.
The question is, do I pay $23 bucks for this paper manual, or download the PDF from Nikon for free? Hmm. Well, I did say that I still collect physical media…
Kenko Digital Mini Camera 9300 ($20.95)
Far and away the most intriguing thing Amazon tried to get me to buy was this James Bond-looking watch camera – which I would no doubt have gone bananas over as a kid, though I'm not quite as enamored with its 0.3MP resolution and 320 x 240 video today.
In true 007 fashion, it looks like there's a quick release mechanism to deploy the camera from the wrist strap, take a couple of covert shots and then put it back before you're noticed by SPECTRE or Smirnoff or whoever your arch nemesis is.
Unlike the wretched American Idol camera, this one comes with a USB cable – so you may well be able to transfer your files without having to install ancient software that requires a decades-old operating system. The only thing I can't figure out is that it somehow requires three AAA batteries. How big is this thing?
Olympus Silca-5S Silica Gel ($13.56)
You know sometimes when you buy an expensive piece of electronic equipment, it comes with a little cloth or paper packet of silica gel? Most people dump those straight in the trash. Other people apparently pay 13 bucks to buy them from Olympus / OM System.
It looks like this is intended for owners of underwater camera housings or waterproof cameras – and since I was looking at deals on the latter, I guess this is how the Amazon algorithm decided that I need a bag of silica sachets.
In case you're curious, these packets of dessicant are drying agents used to prevent moisture – so they're obviously ideal for kit that's designed to be used in water. However, as someone who always keeps his packets of silica gel, this is 13 bucks that Amazon won't be getting from me.
Minolta Background Priority Card ($12.95)
In fairness, this thing is actually pretty fascinating. Back in 1988, Minolta introduced the Maxxum 7000i – an innovative film SLR that introduced the concept of Creative Expansion Cards, which could be inserted into the camera to power special shooting functions.
Some of these were quite clever, such as the Exposure Bracketing and Intervalometer cards, along with truly creative cards like Fantasy that shifted focus during exposure to combine a misty soft focus effect with zoom-like effect.
This Background Priority card is a little less interesting, enabling the camera to maintain background sharpness if the focal length or distance changes. However, this Expansion Card feature is pretty ingenious for a camera from 1988 – and makes me miss the glory days of Minolta.
