I adore Facebook Marketplace. I spend my mornings calmly perusing listings — furniture, plants, homewares — like an old Italian man leisurely reading the newspaper on his front porch, sipping his espresso with a splash of Sambuca. But lately, my daily ritual has been sullied by a revolting, sinister object: the used Birkenstock.
It started with the occasional festy Arizona sandal; the suede footbed dotted with black stains, the hardware scratched and the leather upper cracked.
But now the algorithm has decided to punish my big, beautiful brown eyes by serving me used Birkenstocks which look like they’ve been excavated from an ancient Roman burial site. They’re the sort of weathered artefacts the British Museum would steal, plonk in an exhibition and charge AU$35 to look at.
And I’ve had enough.
There is many a used thing which lends itself to being resold. Take, for example, a gorgeous set of martini glasses from the 1960s which haven’t been used in decades and are simply collecting dust in the cupboard. Or well-loved walnut dining chairs which only need a lick of varnish to bring them back to life.
In the sartorial stakes, one only has to look at Depop, eBay, Vestiaire Collective, The Real Real and other resale sites to see the quality — and, in most cases, the stonking price points — of the secondhand garments, jewellery and accessories on offer.
But the humble Birkenstock is not attractive, nay, appropriate secondhand fodder. Any shoe with a footbed which literally moulds to the shape of your toes and turns black from the oils and sweat your hooves secrete should not be rehomed. Birkenstocks are not for Christmas; they’re for life.
I mean — look at the pair of suede Arizona sandals that Twitter user @jtthenutt
Someone trying to sell their nasty used Birkenstock sandals on Facebook…
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