Jimmy Kimmel
On Jimmy Kimmel Live! the host returned after another bout of Covid to discuss the spread of monkeypox, something that Joe Biden has said we should all be concerned about. “Oh good, I was hoping to have something else to be concerned about,” he said.
He then continued: “Speaking of viruses, Kellyanne Conway has returned to public life.”
Kimmel spoke about the new tell-all book from “Donald Trump’s henchman”, which mentions that she was the one who told him to continue with his presidential campaign after the Access Hollywood footage was leaked. “We all lived crappily ever after – thank you, Kellyanne,” he said.
But Trump’s spokesperson has claimed this isn’t true. “Kellyanne got Kellyanne-d today!” he said. “Now she’s the liar, according to him.”
Conway joins a long line of previous Trump cronies who he has since turned against and called liars including Mark Esper, Bill Barr, John Bolton, Stephanie Grisham and Michael Cohen. “All the best people turn out to be the worst people,” he said.
He then spoke about the list of 963 Americans who have been banned from Russia, including many politicians, such as Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton, and celebrities, including Morgan Freeman. “What’s he gonna do?” Kimmel asked. “Narrate you to death?”
The list also included John McCain, who died in 2018. “I guess they’re slow to get American TV,” he quipped.
Starbucks also announced that it would close stores in Russia this week. “Starbucks was the only way the Russian military got wifi,” he joked.
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert said he was feeling “a little unsettled about America’s future” after a poll showed that Americans are feeling “uneasy and worried” at the moment.
“Our national bird is now the balding eagle,” he joked, before sharing that 74% of Americans say that things are going badly while 65% say Biden is slow to act when something bad happens. “Well yeah, he’s 79!” Colbert noted.
Biden was recently asked if he had a message for Kim Jong-un, to which he said “Hello” – which was seen as “pretty disappointing” – before then saying the US would support Taiwan if China chose to attack, “a very blunt statement that surprised many”.
It was described as “strategic ambiguity” but Biden later backtracked, which Colbert called “wistful anxiety”.
He then moved onto monkeypox, the “hot new virus everybody’s talking about”, and again repeated Biden’s statement that people should be concerned. “Way ahead of you,” Colbert replied.
There have been 190 confirmed or suspected cases, mostly in Europe, but it’s now “monkeyed its way over to America”, mostly as a sexual and genital form. “The genital form of something is always the worst possible form,” he said.
The US has also been airlifting baby formula from Europe after the recent shortage. “If I told you that five years ago, you’d say that’s gotta be the worst news of the day – and then I’d tell you about genital monkeypox,” he joked.
Seth Meyers
The Late Night host spoke about the many “dishonest and self-serving” former Trump advisers who have released books, specifically Conway, whose book is called Here’s the Deal, which he said was an “automatic red flag”.
He joked that “usually when someone says those words, they’ve been caught in a lie” before also noting that the phrase is more of a “Biden thing”.
He moved on to the “brazen and unhinged lie” that the 2020 election was stolen, playing footage of Senator Rick Scott still pushing the myth on TV. “You know how many audits and recounts we’ve had?” Meyers exclaimed. “We know what happened.”
Rudy Giuliani has had to testify to the January 6 committee for a reported nine hours. “I guess it makes sense,” he said. “The dude was involved in almost every aspect of the coup so there’s a lot to discuss. Either that or he kept having technical difficulties.”
He joked that the interviewer would believe that his thumb was in the camera. “No that’s just my face, it looks like a thumb with eyes on it,” he said.
He then played a montage of Giuliani showing his phone on various Fox programs to prove a point. “The feds didn’t need to knock down his door, they just needed to watch Fox News,” he said. “Can we get one of our forensic guys to zoom in?”
