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Lance McCutcheon can't remember what caused the sudden rift between him and his best friend.
The details don't really matter now to the New York Jets wide receiver. He just knows he never got to smooth things over with Connor Mills.
And he never got a chance to say goodbye.
“Guilt is definitely the biggest thing I would say is just, you know, we let some stupid stuff get between us,” McCutcheon told The Associated Press after practice Wednesday. "We were in eighth grade. And I didn’t know that my best friend was at his lowest.
“That’s something I'll hold on to for the rest of my life.”
On May 31, 2013, Mills died by suicide. He was 14.
McCutcheon and Mills were inseparable as youngsters growing up in Bozeman, Montana, having played on the same travel basketball team since the second or third grade. They shared countless meals, laughs and life experiences.
“He was my best friend,” McCutcheon said. “He was like a brother to me.”
Despite all the fun times together, McCutcheon was unaware Mills was struggling.
“Whenever I’m talking about this or I'm by myself and in my own thoughts, I've got to live with knowing that I let something get in between us and I wasn’t able to be there for him and help him through it," he said. “And he passed without me being able to tell him how I really feel about him.”
McCutcheon leaned on his family and friends to speak about his feelings, allowing himself to grieve and process his emotions.
It has been a long road, though, and one that continues today.
“I think it’s very important just to find at least one person you know to talk to,” he said. “It’ll help you so much just by letting it out instead of keeping it in for days and days and days — until you can't anymore.”
McCutcheon's left arm is covered by tattoos, including one right below his shoulder of a lion wearing a crown. A little further down, he has the name “Connor” in black ink on his forearm. He also has the dates of when Mills was born and died tattooed on his left wrist.
“I look down,” McCutcheon said, “and I’ve got his name right there.”
It's right above the name “Grady” in honor of Grady Dawkins, another close friend who died in a car accident nine months after Mills. In the quiet moments before a game, McCutcheon speaks to both, hoping they can help provide him confidence and strength.
“Everyone has their own battles,” McCutcheon said. "I’m not the only one in this world who’s lost loved ones, lost family. Everyone’s been through things and been fighting their own battles. I try not to dwell on all the negative stuff that’s happened in my life.
“I mean, I’m here. I’m playing football in the NFL, you know?”
The 25-year-old McCutcheon, in training camp with the Jets competing for a roster spot, has been an advocate for mental health awareness since his best friend's death. He tells male athletes, in particular, that it's OK to show their emotions and not be afraid to have “an uncomfortable conversation” when they're struggling.
“Whether you’re a star athlete or student, whatever it is, you can be anything you want to be,” he said. “But whatever it is, you’re not alone.”
After going undrafted out of hometown Montana State in 2022, McCutcheon signed with the Los Angeles Rams as a free agent. During that season, he was able to support the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention on his cleats during the NFL's annual “My Cause My Cleats” campaign.
“We're here for you,” McCutcheon said when asked what he'd tell someone struggling with their mental health. "It's a lot more painful to the ones that love you most, thinking that you can never reach out to them and open up and explain what's kind of going on and what you've been feeling. ...
“But I promise you that when you do open up, that person is going to embrace you and love you for a lot more than what you're going through and what you're fighting.”
During his first NFL preseason, McCutcheon led the Rams with 15 catches for 259 yards and two touchdowns. It was enough to earn him a spot on the 53-man roster out of training camp. He played in 10 games as a rookie, but had no catches while seeing only five passes thrown his way.
He was waived by Los Angeles as part of the Rams' final cuts last year, signed with Houston's practice squad a few days later and let go again nearly two months later. The Jets gave him a shot on their practice squad last October and signed him to a reserve-future deal in January.
Now, McCutcheon is hoping for a chance to stick with a wide receiver group that includes Garrett Wilson, Mike Williams and Allen Lazard — and maybe catch some passes from Aaron Rodgers.
And that's something McCutcheon knows his late best friend would think is pretty cool.
“I just hope that he’s watching over me every day,” McCutcheon said. “I hope he’s proud of me and he’s happy for me and I just keep this going.”
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This story includes discussion of suicide. If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.
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AP NFL: https://apnews.com/hub/nfl
