There are many gross behaviours in this world which couples can partake in, should they so please: excessive PDA; talking about themselves as a “we”; posting about each other on Instagram with captions that are longer than four lines; referring to each other as “this one” at any point (i.e. drinks with this one, dinner with this one, ritual sacrifice with this one).
But the worst of all, the most criminal offence, is getting matching tattoos. Not just because it’s stupid — I pray that the Office for National Statistics looks into the breakup rates of couples with matching tattoos versus those without — but because it is so hideously uncool. Have you ever seen a good matching tattoo? Nope.
That brings us to Bennifer. The relatively recently hitched Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, who reunited in 2021 nearly 20 years after their first dalliance. For Valentine’s Day, the pair celebrated by showing off their latest relationship milestone — a pair of matching tattoos. JLo has an infinity symbol with wording interlaced throughout, while Ben opted for a pair of crossed arrows with the initials “J and B’’ between them. Yeugh.
Aside from the fact that these tattoos are both objectively awful, the fact that they’ve even got matching tattoos in the first place is proof that their relationship, which started in the early noughties, is clearly still stuck in the early noughties. And not even in a cool ironic way, like how people are now getting butterfly tramp stamps again, but in a behind-the-times, “why did no one tell them?” kind of way.
Putting it simply, matching tattoos are ill-advised and unclassy. I’m pretty tattooed, as people go, but I’ve never got a matching tattoo with a partner no matter how hopped up on love I am in the honeymoon stage — and I’ve moved in with people after a week of dating — because it is just so lame.
Bennifer’s new ink is only the latest in a long string of bad celebrity matching tattoos, too. Recall Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder’s relationship, which began in 1990 and had the entire world in a chokehold. During their intense early stages, Depp got a tattoo saying “Winona Forever” in Ryder’s honour, only for the pair to break up in 1993, meaning he had to change it to “Wino Forever” to rid himself of the relationship (and seemed to accidentally cement his future in doing so).
Other couples who have gone through the perennially-doomed matching tattoo phase include: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth, Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott and Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. Not just cursed, but also all profoundly bad vibes pairings.
And to finally address the actual tattoos inked onto Ben and JLo: they really are bottom of the barrel. An infinity symbol, JLo, really? This is the most 2014 tattoo someone could get.
It’s not like Affleck has a good history with tats either. Some may recall the paparazzi photos taken soon after his breakup with Jennifer Garner, showing Affleck standing on a beach looking wistfully out to sea, his shirtless torso revealing a massive dragon tattoo which engulfed his whole back. The whole image was so desperately depressing that it prompted the New Yorker to write an entire article called “The Great Sadness of Ben Affleck.” That’s when you know you’ve got a bad tattoo.
Unfortunately, he’s now dragged the previously un-tatted JLo into his storm of sadness, and now she’s branded with an infinity symbol fit for a 2010s Pinterest board. I’m sorry JLo, but to be fair, at least it’s not Wino Forever.
