James McPake felt numb on the drive home from Dens Park.
After eight years of service as both player and manager, his time at Dundee was up.
Off the back of two wins, he was ruthlessly sacked by the club’s American owners and replaced by Mark McGhee.
He’d already taken training that morning. After a brief goodbye to his staff, McPake emptied his office in a state of shock.
In his own head, he was still gaffer. In reality, he was suddenly unemployed.
Yet a week before, he’d celebrated a 2-1 win over Hearts at Tynecastle, more convinced than ever of the club’s Premiership survival.
For most people on the outside, the timing was difficult to comprehend. For McPake, it left him dumbfounded.
Opening the door to his house, youngest daughter Grace was a picture of innocence as she ran to embrace her daddy.
And that’s when the numbness lifted.
In that moment McPake didn’t just realise that some things are more important than football.
He also knew that he had become so immersed in his first managerial gig that he had been neglecting those closest to him.
This week he enjoyed a family break, feeling relaxed and revitalised.
The Dundee job – and the pressure he was under from the day he was appointed – had taken its toll.
And the day he was fired for the first time in his career is still fresh in the memory.
McPake said: “I was devastated. Two of my kids were born while I was at Dundee.
“Dave Mackay had to take the team for a game against Peterhead because I was in hospital with Dawn who had Grace that day.
“So I was gutted that it happened because the club was a massive part of my life.
“I didn’t have any inkling. That day it was just a sit-down with John Nelms who said they were going in a different direction.
“We shook hands and I walked out. I was genuinely shocked.
“I asked them not to announce it before I’d spoken to my wife and my mum.
“I got my desk cleared and jumped in the car to go and see Dawn and the kids.
“I was a bit numb, I couldn’t quite get my head around what had happened. This was my first job so I’d never had that feeling in 22 years of football. I didn’t think, ‘What will I do next?’ Because in my head, I was still the Dundee manager.
“I just wanted to get down the road. It was tough and horrible.
“But I’ve got three daughters (Grace, Sophie and Ailey) and they’re my life. They don’t care or judge me. I felt so down but Grace just ran at me, which was great.
“The pressure had always been there. When you get beat, you don’t sleep.
“The job was 24/7. I feel a wee bit guilty about that now, for the three kids and Dawn’s sake. I was up in Dundee four nights a week and she was having to deal with everything at home single-handedly. What can’t be said about myself and the staff is that we didn’t work hard enough.
“It’s only now when I reflect that I realise it. I’ve seen certain pictures and I didn’t look myself then.
“People are already saying I look refreshed.”
But in the aftermath of his sacking, McPake didn’t want to go across the door. Getting Covid didn’t help. But it was more the feeling of humiliation that he’d somehow failed.
But at 37 he had succeeded in getting Dundee back to the Premiership via the play-offs when his team defied the odds to beat Kilmarnock.
And it was a call from current Rugby Park boss Derek McInnes that gave McPake the confidence to pick himself up off the floor.
He said: “I had a great conversation with Derek. The managers and coaches who called me were great, people like John Hughes, Malky Mackay, Chris Coleman, Callum Davidson, Jack Ross and Neil McCann.
“But Del was good with me because I was embarrassed to go out the door. I didn’t want to bump into people who might ask about what happened.
“I’ve been embarrassed before as a player when I lost heavily in a Scottish Cup Final (5-1 to Hearts as a Hibs player). I didn’t want to go out then.
“But Del said: ‘Get yourself out and be proud of what you’ve done’. And I am proud of what we did. I got promoted at 36.
“Ultimately, we had a target to get out of the Championship and we achieved it. This season, we had more than a fighting chance of staying in the league. I fully believed we were going in the right direction.”
Despite this setback, expect the trajectory of McPake’s career to be upwards.
He’s already had enough time out of work to know that he wants back in.
And he says everything he faced at Dens – even that horrible final day – will make him a better gaffer.
He said: “If I do get back in I’ll find a better balance. It wasn’t right at Dundee. People say you can never work too much but I did. I was too intense and couldn’t switch off.
“Maybe that’s just being young and in my first job. But I have a life outside of football as well. So there are a lot of things I will do differently.
“Some senior managers I’ve spoken to have been critical of me for not finding that balance. But I will next time and I’ll be a better manager for it.”
