It seems there are only two modes of billionaire: deathly dull or unstoppably cringe

‘Even if you disagree with the sheer concept of billionaires, you have to admit: the current crop should be doing a bit more to inspire awe.’ Jeff Bezos at the Miami Formula 1 Grand Prix, May 2023. Photograph: Antonin Vincent/DPPI/Shutterstock

I’m always disappointed by the outer reaches of my own imagination when I sit and idly wonder about myself as a rich person. For some reason “having a full-sized pool table” is always involved. Three holidays a year, that sort of thing. Maybe fly first-class. Maybe learn to drive, maybe have a chauffeur, I can’t decide. I think I would stop pausing when burrito places ask me if I want guacamole, but unlearning that behaviour would take a while.

I think there is a limit to how much wealth a human being can spend interestingly, and mine caps out just short of the £2m mark. If I were a billionaire I would, simply, be a very boring one. I would retreat into a gated mansion, get a VR headset for my PlayStation that I never use, then pay Robbie Williams to come over and be my mate. That’s about it.