FATE, CONSIDER YOURSELF TEMPTED
There’s usually naff all to play for on the last Friday before the Premier League season ends, which means we can phone our Fiver in from the pub. But not this year. Annoyingly, our fierce thirst has had to wait while we work out what in Weird Uncle Fiver’s name is going on. First up: congratulations to Frank Lampard’s Everton. They won the Not Getting Relegated Cup for their third time in Premier League history by beating Crystal Palace 3-2 amid proper scenes at Goodison Park. So at least that’s done and dusted. There were touching moments at the end when fans who had effed and jeffed at players all season, ran on to the pitch in their thousands to hug it out. “Love you really, la.” If The Fiver had a glass eye, etc and so on.
If the blue smog over L4 ever lifts, FL’s Everton will be able to hop on the bus down to Arsenal to take on the Big Cup-bottling Gunners. It says here that Mikel Arteta’s side need to beat the Blues – who could have Speedo Mick up front after a tremendous on-pitch performance – and hope that Spurs lose at Norwich. Yeah, Norwich, who have been the tormented ghost in the Premier League’s basement for the best part of six months. Surely, surely, not even an atomic bout of Spursiness will make that scenario happen. So congratulations Tottenham Hotspur. Enjoy Big Cup next season!
What next? Ah yes, the last relegation place. Burnley’s draw with Aston Villa put survival firmly back in their own hands. If the Clarets beat Newcastle then no matter what Leeds do against Brentford, they will stay up because they have a better goal difference. But let’s be honest, they’re not going to beat the Saudi-fuelled Toon, are they? We fully expect former Claret Chris Wood to bring the pain. The good news for Burnley, though, is that Leeds have all but run out of players for their do-or-die clash. Congratulations Burnley, another season of being last on Match of the Day awaits!
Now to the big one: the race to avoid Tin Pot. Eric ten Hag is so worried about having to bother reading the instructions for Uefa’s newest competition that he cut short his Caribbean holiday. He’s hoping his glowering presence at Crystal Palace can inspire Manchester United to the giddy heights of avoiding seventh. The last we saw of Palace, they were still on the Goodison Park pitch, where Patrick Vieira was appearing to put on an impromptu karate display. So congratulations Manchester United! Enjoy your Big Vase adventure next season. West Ham, currently in Tin Pot-securing seventh, are at Brighton, where there’s a beach we fully expect the tired Hammers to make a beeline for. We might get to the boozer faster than we thought, you know.
So that just leaves the Premier League title to play for. All the talk is of $tevie Mbe’s Operation Etihad Exercise, because for Liverpool to win a 20th title they require Aston Villa to beat Manchester City while winning against Wolves at home themselves. He did his best for his beloved Liverpool by resting both Philippe Coutinho and Danny Ings for a large part of the drab home draw with Burnley, but since the Abu Dhabi-led takeover, City have beaten Villa by an aggregate score of 62-19. Congrats, Pep! Enjoy your champagne. We’re off for a pint.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
8 May: “I will still be Borussia Dortmund’s head coach next season and I’m really looking forward to it, because I have a very good relationship with my team and want to get things off the ground” – a bullish Marco Rose on his future with BVB.
20 May: “Following an intensive season analysis … the club has decided to move forward, and wishes Marco Rose the best of luck in his next opportunity” – Dortmund are, shall we say, less effusive about his prospects.
FIVER LETTERS
“Fresh from The Pope’s O’Rangers’ penalty faux pas fiasco (yesterday’s Quote of the Day), one-man physiotherapy industry botherer, Aaron Ramsey, is finding his heralded arrival as ‘the best signing in Scottish football since Paul Gascoigne’ coming under scrutiny by the media in the north. Tune in next week as they seek to investigate the club loyalty of Nicolas Anelka, Phil Jones’s prospects of an England call-up for Qatar, and if Daniel Farke ‘just needed more time’ to steady the ship at Norwich” – Johnny Connelly.
“Re: Divock Origi doing one from Liverpool (yesterday’s Fiver letters). It certainly seems that Milan have spent the past four years or so hoovering up some of the most clutch strikers in the Premier League (if Ibra did have a spell across the pond in between). Pazza Inter indeed” – Harriet Osborn.
“It’s easy to poke fun at soon-to-retire referee Mike Dean just because he used to slaughter chickens (yesterday’s Still Want More?). But have some respect. Whistlin’ Mike devoted years of his life to deciding the fate of bird-brained creatures that strutted about and preened themselves until losing their heads and ending up in the middle of the table” – Mark McFadden.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Mark McFadden.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around Football Weekly Extra. And while we’re at it, Max, Barry and the pod squad are going back on tour. Tickets to live shows in June and July are available here.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Spurs boss Antonio Conte insists there’s not been another 2006-style lasagna going round the camp, even though Harry Kane has been feeling rough. “Harry doesn’t want to miss this type of game, it means a lot for the club,” he roared.
More pitch invasion bother has left Swindon boss Ben Garner feeling properly funky after their shoot-out defeat at Port Vale cost them a League Two playoff final spot. “What they have had to put up with coming off that pitch … players have been physically and verbally abused,” he sniffed. “I don’t know where we’re going as a country – it’s absolutely disgusting.”
And Adebayo Akinfenwa will play one last game before hanging up his boots when Wycombe bid to upset Sunderland in Saturday’s League One playoff final. “At Wembley I’ve got to put him on, haven’t I?” riffed Gareth Ainsworth. “He’s not going to start and he probably knows that. But I wouldn’t like to be the gaffer who didn’t put him on for his last game, at the home of football.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Vivianne Miedema isn’t leaving Arsenal after all. She tells Bart Vlietstra why.
Ten things to look out for on the final day of the Premier League season are here.
Pitch invasions can be a good thing, a spontaneous outpouring of emotion and not necessarily the domain of the idiot, espouses Jonathan Wilson.
Jake Daniels can inspire the next generation of footballers to be whoever they want to be, writes Anita Asante.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
