A friend comes up to me in the bar the other night and asks if I've heard of the Cat Distribution Theory. It goes like this: You don't get a cat, the universe provides one to you at a time that it determines you're in need of one.
Hogwash, says I, and then not two nights later, I get a call from my housemate asking when we adopted the black and white cat she found wandering around the living room.
It turns out, at some point between me leaving for work and her arriving home, we had picked up a stowaway.
(I should say, a time of writing, we still have no idea how it got inside, or where it came from, but it seemed pretty happy to go on its merry way at the weekend, and we haven't seen it since. So, I guess the universe giveth and the universe taketh away.)
The point to that story is that burgers are a bit like the Distribution Theory.
There are many perfect burgers for many different occasions, and sometimes you just need to let the universe come to you.
I maintain that the best hangover cure is a simple addition of Macca's bacon and egg McMuffins (two to begin with, and then increase by severity of the morning-after struggle), hashbrown, very large orange juice and strong black coffee.
That's not to say that the best burger is a McMuffin. Nor is the classic KFC Zinger (except as a guilty pleasure, oft indulged in).
Maybe there is no Best Burger - only best burgers for the particular situation.
That's a nicely philosophical thought. But, let's be practical. The best burger in town is still, in my mind, the Newy Burger from Newy Burger Co.
The arguable O.G. of the Newcastle dude-food movement has its competitors, of course. Cessnock's Burgerfiend received the Good Food Guide's reader's choice nod in 2019, and the Jesmond Hotel's 'Jeso' was named the state's best pub burger by the peak hotelier's body that same year. And then there's the almighty - the near flawless - Outback Stack from Wickham's Burgers with Bite.
What do all of these have in common? Easy, balance.
The perfect burger needs to be just the right amount of meaty, spicy, cheesy, juicy and fruity (pineapple absolutely belongs on a burger, by the way, no matter what the purists say - please address letters of dissent to the newsroom) with the perfect build sequence to ensure all the components are working together.
(No one wants a burger where the patty wilts the lettuce instead of melting the cheese and the tomato sauce is all over the beetroot.)
Any one of these sandwiches would satisfy even the pickiest burger nut, and, if they don't, Newcastle has an absolute cornucopia of burger spots to choose from (special mention to Rascal's jerk chicken masterpiece - absolute ripper), but the humble Newy Burger, in my view, has to reign supreme.
I should say, I'm not sponsored to say this (though, fellas, feel free to leave the big bag of money at the office front desk - I'll pick it up on the way out) - but the simplicity of a good patty, the hallowed quadruple of cheese, tomato, lettuce and onion, and classic ketchup and mustard combo, it's hard to beat.
National Burger Day on Sunday got me thinking of the plethora of burger options we have. From pubs and clubs to bars and restaurants, burger shops, takeaways and drive-throughs, Newcastle is a haven for the staple of comfort food - there's something for everyone.
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