'I was surprised Farage and Tories were so outraged that fewer Brits are Christians'

This week we found out that, according to the census, less than half of the British population say they’re Christians.

Lots of Conservatives, and Nigel Farage, were fuming about this – which was a shame as I rather thought they’d be quite delighted.

I expected Farage to scream, “At last! How much longer were we expected to go on worshipping this Middle-Eastern son of God, when our own British sons of God are ignored every day by our political system and by the BBC?

“Furthermore, this chap Jesus wasn’t pre­­pared to work, sometimes disappearing for 40 days into the wilderness, no doubt expecting the taxpayer to pick up the bill.”

And God was the same. For example, the book of Leviticus tells us, “The foreigner who resides with you shall be a citizen among you. You shall love the foreigner as you love yourself.”

So Jacob Rees-Mogg should make a speech in Parliament that goes, “The British people must be congratulated for no longer being Christian. The Bible is a catalogue of woke nonsense, probably created by the European Union.”

In Deuteronomy, God goes even further, when he commands that one tenth of the harvest is handed to “orphans, widows and foreigners”.

Mark Steel jokes how Farage must be annoyed the UK ever let New York-born ex-PM Boris Johnson into the country (Peter Dejong/AP/REX/Shutterstock)

I expect Farage would say, “That’s typical of an elite figure like God. It’s alright for him, HE doesn’t live in the real world with the common person, he’s always at a dinner party in his five-bedroom cloud in the suburbs.”

But, strangely, the Conservative leaders claim they’re big fans of Christianity. So there must be another bit of the Bible, that goes, “And God did stand upon the cliffs of Dover, and a dinghy did sail forth.

"And foreigners including children did reach out from them. And God said, ‘Well you lot can sod off to Rwanda for a start’.”

So the decline of Christianity does mean we have to alter a few things.

For example, bishops are automatically given a seat in the House of Lords.

Now we’ll have to fill it with scientists instead, such as Professor Brian Cox.

He can make speeches that go, “My feeling on the Government’s transport bill is, our sun is one of 40 billion stars so it doesn’t really matter.” And once a majority of the country is atheist, we will need an atheist Church of England.

So Songs of Praise will go, “We will now sing hymn number 358, Praise the Cosmos for creating the Earth out of a lump of very hot rock flying through space.”

Nigel Farage was also furious that the census revealed “One in six Britons is now born overseas.”

This has clearly been a calamity, as people such as Mo Farah, Ben Stokes and Emma Raducanu have been able to come over here destroying our British sense of pride.

Farage must be especially angry about Boris Johnson, who was born in New York and came over here. And look at the damage he did, causing Brexit and ruining everything.

“We’re too soft”, Nigel must think, “We should never have let him in.”