Warning: The following article contains references to mental health difficulties that some readers might find sensitive.
Dame Kelly Holmes has made some very candid admissions about her struggles with mental health and coming to terms with her sexuality, during a recent interview.
Appearing on the Second Act podcast with Ateh Jewel, the 55-year-old former middle distance athlete discussed coming out in her 50s and only really feeling she'd ever experienced a couple of years of true happiness in her life.
"I only feel like I've had three years of true happiness," she told podcast host Ateh, adding, "No actually, two. Three years where I as a person changed, but two where I was in this position that every day is going to matter."
Kelly explains, "I have got to a point now in my life as I sit here, and know I can wake up every day positive, knowing who I am, and reflecting on the fact that it's important to be present than keep driving forward."
"I was always driving forward to try and change, now I've got everything I want. I'm free in myself to be who I want to be and to direct where I want to go."
However, it's been a difficult and painful journey for the former Olympic star to find this level of peace in her life.
After some previous mental health difficulties, and having had a breakdown at the age of 33, Kelly experienced another challenging time during lockdown.
She points out that although she had achieved so much in her career, she didn't have enough acceptance of herself to be happy.
"I had a massive breakdown again in lockdown," she shares, continuing, "to the point I actually didn't want to be here. I hated everything."
"And at that moment of those critical moments in life when you have to make a decision, my proudest moment is being strong enough to want to carry on. I chose life."
Discussing her sexuality, Kelly shares that she didn't come out until she was 52. "I came out 3 years ago, and it was a pivotal change to become the person that I really wanted to be," she explains.
She'd realised she was gay when she joined the military as a young woman, and it was illegal to be gay in the military at the time. "You couldn't even sit on a bed with a mate of the same sex without one foot on the floor," she explains.
"I didn't know I was gay until I joined," she continues, adding, "I didn't really explore my sexuality because I was out running all the time."
Kelly shares, "I realised but it was very was difficult - there were lots of people that were gay in the military, but of course you had to be so careful because the risk of getting found out meant being court marshalled and potentially jailed."
She recalls often having her room "raided" for "evidence" of being gay, using a reference from The Handmaid's Tale to liken the practice to feeling like "being in Gilead."
That fear lived in Kelly until she was 52 and she finally found the courage to come out and live her authentic life.
When asked what advice she'd go back and give her younger self knowing what she does now, Kelly says, "Try and find your freedom as quick as you can, whatever that is to you."
"Try and find the the peace within you, whatever freedom means and that self-satisfaction, find it with yourself quite early on, don't leave it too late."
"Embrace the peace. And just find a way. Just find a way to find your true self earlier in your journey. Love, always love."
If you'd like advice or support with your mental health, charities such as MIND can help.
