How does one really go about moderating and evaluating new friends? I have the opposite problem to most people, in that I attract new friendships very easily. People seem to gravitate towards me and, in some cases, insist they are my friend whether I like it or not! I am a professional woman, single with an international career. This seems to provide intrigue and excitement to new folks in my orbit, and they come on very strong and often try to grip on to me and my life. They mention a jealousy of my freedom and my achievements, and a desire to live out their own dreams through my existence.
None of these are romantic interests, but I have ended many of my friendships over the years due to inappropriate boundary crossings and folks trying to control my life and my choices. How can I be more discerning upfront and only let new people in whom I know will behave appropriately in the long term?
Eleanor says: When I was a kid and was moving to a new school, a very genial doctor I happened to have an appointment with told me, “don’t befriend anyone who tries to be your friend on the first day. They’re the ones who don’t have any friends.” I was, in a mini kind of way, scandalised. How were you supposed to proceed if the choice was between people who didn’t want your friendship, and people who did and so proved they didn’t deserve it? I disregarded his advice and that’s the story of how I wound up with a lunchtime pal who spent several months trying to convert me to a made-up religion.
So I get it. Eventually friendship transcends evaluation of the other, but at the beginning, you want a little evaluation. There would be no value to friendship if we formed it with anyone who came along.
But you want to avoid two possible hazards. One is too hastily ruling people out. The risk with any “discernment” policy is that it will select for superficial characteristics, the kind you can see on a first impression. These don’t always track what makes people good friends – things it takes time to reveal or treasure. The other is condescension or hierarchy: thinking, or thinking that other people think, that you’re above them.
Could you try to maintain the kind of friendship that isn’t mutually enmeshed? A lot of our cultural vision of friendship depicts a twin-flames thing, but there’s a perfectly lovely form of friendship without much intensity. It can brook a good amount of conversation and shared cake, but it would never expect to be consulted on life decisions, and it finds the possibility of anger far too intimate. Perhaps you could try to keep “provisional” friends hovering there: not reciprocating or escalating intimacy or disclosures, communicating only semi-regularly.
That might help with the “overstep” element of what you’re describing, too. It’s no fun becoming an object of projection for others, when you can see an idealised version of yourself shining in their eyes. Sometimes that state leads people to tell you off for failing to live up to a standard that isn’t actually the standard of your relationship. It’s the standard of the relationship they wish you had. “Why didn’t you call?” “Why didn’t you tell me?” If you deliberately resist escalations in intimacy, it’ll be easier to point out that these are unreasonable expectations.
You could also try to arm yourself with ways to handle “oversteps” so you don’t feel violated, or like you’ve wasted your time. Perhaps you could pre-write or think through phrases that gently but firmly communicate “that wasn’t something on which I would ever have consulted you”, or, “this isn’t something for which I feel I owe an apology”. It might take some of the heat or violation-feeling out of those moments if you’re already prepared.
Even when you do have to move on, that needn’t mean you made a mistake: you tried a friendship, it didn’t work. Arguably better to try too many than too few.
Montaigne thought you only get one true friend in your lifetime. You’re allowed to decide a given person isn’t yours.
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