The question I am a 22-year-old woman who has just graduated from university and am feeling extremely average. I grew up in an “education-heavy” household where success was measured in excellent marks and prestigious universities, and any good grades I received didn’t seem satisfactory. I used to think that excelling in school was not the only measure of intelligence, yet when I meet people who did excel, they are impressive and have careers to envy. I worry that not being as distinguished as them blights my future and that I can never measure up to them.
I am very lucky in many ways and recognise I am naturally gifted at some things, however in my mind it is not enough. I constantly feel I have impostor syndrome and need to prove myself. I am terrified I will feel like this for the rest of my life and that I can never feel satisfied with myself; that every success is not enough because I never got the same achievements as others. I’ll just be average forever.
Philippa’s answer Marcus Aurelius, one of the good Roman emperors, said, “Very little is needed to make a happy life; it’s all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
Subtle tweaks in how you think about things can make a significant difference. We could start with your assumptions around impostor syndrome. You seem to think it’s a bad thing. It isn’t. When we experience impostor syndrome it means we are trying out something new, something we are not used to doing yet. If we don’t try that something, we will never know whether we can get on board with it. And, just because we don’t feel like we belong, it doesn’t mean we don’t belong. It is more to do with how we are talking to ourselves about it – and we do have the power to change how we talk to ourselves. Be more Aurelius.
When it comes to education, I think the most important thing we can ever learn is how to love and appreciate other people. Aurelius emphasised the interconnectedness of humanity and compassion, and the virtues of understanding and forgiveness. He believed that all humans are part of a larger community. Thinking about this I’m not sure where wanting to be more than, and better than, the majority of people fits in. Most of us do fall into the “average” category. This is a natural outcome in any large population and what you need to know and embody is that being average does not diminish individual worth.
We often glorify exceptional achievements, but everyday, ordinary successes are what make up the bulk of contributions to society and also the bulk of a fulfilling life. Yes, it’s nice to get an A* or win a prize. It feels incredible, no doubt, to win a gold medal at the Olympics, but it is the minutiae of the everyday that makes the most difference to wellbeing, even to those people with those gold medals. A medal is icing on a cake, but we can’t live on icing, we need the more substantial stuff underneath.
Parents love their children and (with the best will in the world) want them to do well in education so that they can support themselves and be independent. But too often this drive for academic success sweeps away the more important skill of also living in the present and appreciating every moment and each person. Each of us is so much more than our academic credentials.
You did try to think differently, but that initial programming you received is strong. I’m reminded of a horse with blinkers on. Take the blinkers off, look around, read widely. You will see average people enjoying extraordinary relationships, appreciating their worlds, experimenting with change, pursuing their passions and squeezing the pips out of life. As well as your high-achieving parents these people, too, can be your mentors. Averageness, like impostor syndrome, can be embraced.
Don’t be in a hurry to tick off all the usual milestones that supposedly make for a successful life. Don’t be tempted to measure success just in grades and job titles. Instead, accept where you are, explore what interests you and take away the pressure that comes from comparing yourself to others. Watch how you are talking to yourself and congratulate yourself when you spot an unhelpful thought pattern you need to change. Change will take practice. Be patient. Be curious about yourself. Think about ways to be creative, ways to be kind, ways to get involved and belong. We all have our own unique journey through life. Comparing your journey to others’ can lead to dissatisfaction and overlooking the unique contributions you do have to make.
Record your progress in a journal. The Daily Stoic Journal, 366 Days of Writing and Reflection on the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday has helpful quotes and asks questions that will help you identify your ways of thinking that might not be working for you.
Marcus Aurelius also said: “The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts.” I think he knew what he was talking about.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
