I love UNO. Problem is, on a Saturday in Melbourne, with no housemates or friends in sight, what is one to do? I can’t keep playing with my housemate’s cat, she’s a bad loser.
So, the next logical step is Revolver nightclub. See, on a Saturday night in Melbourne, at least some people are bound to be at Revs — and where there are other humans, there’s a chance for UNO.
But first a warm-up at Paradise Alley with my friend and colleague Jim. As you can see, he was very happy and excited to be a part of this story.
Next stop was 3 Monkeys on Chapel Street — just across the road from The Promised Land.
It’s there I met up with my friend Angela who despite claiming to never have played UNO before, managed to beat me in dramatic come-from-behind fashion in her first game. I smell a conspiracy.
With the warm-ups over, it was time to Enter The Void.
Everyone was dancing but I had one thing on my mind.
Despite being a Saturday night, Revs wasn’t as packed as it usually is — thanks in no part to one of the wettest weekends of the year. Still, despite the torrential downpour outside, I was calm and ready, to drop draw 4s, but my arms are heavy — OK sorry I couldn’t help it (Mom’s spaghetti).
My first victims. Game on.
Magnus, Pippa, and Lili are locals and come to Revs often
Don’t let the camera flash fool you, Revs is an Extremely Dark Place in both Lighting and spirit — seeing the actual colour of the cards proved harder than finding an ounce of talent in any of Ryan Reynold’s acting performances.
Luckily we live in a society where phones have flashlights. RIP Edison you would’ve loved this.
Feeling very self-satisfied with my first win of the night, it was time to move on.
Here’s me with my next victim, Rhys, turns out we both grew up near each other.
“Quote”
Some people might view Revs as a distracting place. Too loud for UNO, not loud enough to silence your innermost demons — but I’d argue the ambience is perfect. Much better than your mum’s living room. Tell her I said hi, by the way.
It’s all fun and games ’til someone drops a Draw 4.
Speaking of.
X and X had just arrived from the German town of x to Australia 3 weeks ago. They asked if Revs is always like this. “Yeah, Revs is a huge UNO spot.”
Soon after I met Veronica from Italy, I was very excited to show off my skills with the language of my people and explain what I was doing with UNO cards in a nightclub in Italian, but looking back at the photos, it’s giving this meme:
Next up I met Michael, Ariel, and X from X.
Michael (bottom right), ended up winning, and he reminded me about it when i reached out in the sober light of day to confirm I could use his photo in the story.
“No worries. Just don’t forget that I’m undefeated in the Revs smokers. 1-0 baby.”
I won’t forget, Michael, in fact I’m training right now; as I write this I am playing UNO in my head, examining every possible move — this is some Queen’s Gambit shit, Michael. If you’re reading this (I know you are) meet me at the Revs smokers tonight.
Got a bit carried away there. Anyway, I guess this is the part where I wrap things up and tell you something deep or witty about what I learned. But I didn’t really learn anything — besides people at Revs really seem to be down for UNO.
And maybe that’s the takeaway. Maybe you’re not meant to have grand earth-shattering revelations every time you go out, there’s only so much the human brain can take. So instead I’ll leave you with this:
UNO is sick.
And if you don’t like UNO you are sick in a different way and I will personally hunt you down, because now that I have a taste for UNO I cannot stop, I’ve experienced Peak Human Experience and it comes in four colours. I will show up at Revs every Saturday and play UNO until I get banned or until I die. I will play UNO after death with God and Satan and treat them equally for all is equal and all is holy under the Draw 4.
I am starting a cult and calling it UNO and you are welcome for all are welcome for UNO does not discriminate. If you are lost or need a friend or need a shoulder to cry on or an enemy to die on I will be waiting for you at the Revs smokers and I Will Be Ready.
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