On Sunday night, Elton John is headlining Glastonbury’s Pyramid stage on the final date of his farewell UK tour. Soon the 76-year-old will be hanging up his piano and going back to being boring old Reginald Kenneth Dwight for good. This the first time Elton has been to Glasters, let alone headlined. “I’m a little intimidated because I haven’t played there, I haven’t been there,” he told BBC London. How come he hasn’t Glastoed before? “It’s the first time I’ve been asked,” he told Scott Mills on Radio 2.
Tomorrow, Elton will be back home resting his giant platform shoes. How would the singer have survived the whole Glastonbury experience? Armed with a backpack full of outrageous outfits, I lived like Elton to find out.
Arrive in style
Elton has owned his fair share of supercars, including a 1963 Silver Cloud III Roller, 1987 Turbo R Saloon Bentley and £246k XJ220 Jag. But it seems for his tour travel arrangements, he prefers something even flashier. It would be rude not to follow suit.
Arriving at Glasto by chopper is arriving in style. It is also very loud. My ear defenders don’t play any music but Elton’s 1973 song High Flying Bird would’ve been perfect. Disappointingly, I’m only posing with the helicopter, not actually flying in it, and the only pap hanging around the heliport is the Guardian’s photographer, Dave. Has Elton arrived yet, I ask my pilot, Stewart. “Not yet.” At least I’ve beaten him to it. The heliport is a couple of fields along from the main site. Like all festivalgoers, bleary-eyed on Monday morning – best remember where we parked.
Elton factor: five helicopters
Camp posh
In 1971, Elton sang of a Holiday Inn, but there are no actual hotels at Glasto. It is hard to imagine Elton looking bemused at his tent instructions or asking to borrow your mallet. He’d at least glamp.
My luxury bell tent comes complete with scatter cushions, duvets and three actual beds – perfect if I bump into Elton’s writing partner, Bernie Taupin, or his husband, David Furnish, at Shangri-La at 3am and they need somewhere to crash. Annoyingly, there is no wardrobe to hang my Elton costumes. Should have packed my ironing board. It may sound cushty, but all glamping tents look the same. Note to self: remember where we glamped.
Elton factor: five tents
Dress appropriately
The Glasto forecast is notoriously unpredictable, so I packed for all weathers. I’ve got Elton’s fluffy white Pinball Wizard jumpsuit from the Who’s 1975 opera movie, Tommy. The glittery baseball outfit from Elton’s 1975 Dodger stadium gig. The feathery get-up he wore on the Muppet Show in 1978. The nadge-spladging gold hot pant Rocket Man number. And the suit and boater from 1983’s I’m Still Standing video.
Even if you’re a giant lizard or half a pantomime horse, you’re never the most ridiculously dressed at Glastonbury, but I feel close. Now I know what Elton meant when he sang Fools in Fashion.
Elton factor: four dancing men
Meet your adoring fans
“Nice wings, mate!” “Great effort!” My outfits are certainly getting me attention. But how convincing is my Elton to the public?
“Who are you supposed to be?” asks 30-year-old Angelle from Ipswich. “Lil Nas X?”
At least Christine from Greenwich knows who I am. “Elton!” she screams. Christine, who is 70, is on her honeymoon. “I’ve just got married for the first time,” she says. “My husband said: ‘Do you want to go to the Maldives or Mauritius?’ and I said: ‘Glastonbury!’” Good choice!
The rumours are that Elton is bringing out a special guest. Who is it? Britney? Kylie? Miss Piggy? (All have collaborated with Elton before.) Surely he has someone positively A-list waiting in the wings?
“It would be an honour to perform with Mr John,” says Basil Brush, whom I find performing in the Kidzfield, and who ends his act with a tribute to Elton. “I might not be his biggest fan because I’m only 18 inches tall, but we did grow up together in the 60s and 70s. Although I was more of a pocket dancer than a Tiny Dancer. Boom boom!”
Elton factor: four foxes
Don’t forget to eat
Elton is worth an estimated $550m (£433m), rich enough to live off white Alba truffle sandwiches and beluga caviar on toast. He has said that his favourite food is boring old risotto.
For his final tour, Elton partnered with a US vegan burger chain and also launched Elton Marmite. Surely I can find somewhere cashing in on Elton veggie burgers, Marmite sandwiches or edible Elton glasses made out of mini festival doughnuts? I check, but there are no Elton-related food or drinks to be had. Glastonbury sellers: you’ve missed a trick.
Elton factor: two doughnuts
Stick to the hits
Judging by his recent setlists, the Rocket Man singer will sensibly stick to his greatest hits. He knows not to bother with new material, reasoning in 2013 that his new stuff is “usually met by a mass exodus to the toilet”.
Talking of toilets, it is important – celebrity or otherwise – not to wee alfresco. “Wildlife and fish are affected if 200,000 people pee everywhere,” warns Glastonbury’s Don’t Pee on the Land campaign. “It really could be the end of Glastonbury if you pee where you shouldn’t.”
I can’t fit into the portable loos in my giant feather wings. They afford me funny looks at the urinal. But, point taken. If I need the toilet, dressed as Elton or otherwise, I’ll make sure I use the john.
Elton factor: three toilets
Embrace your inner hippy
Elton has a well-documented history with booze and drugs. He is now teetotal. They aren’t his strangest addiction: during a court case in 2000, it transpired Elton had splurged £293,000 on flowers in 20 months. “Well, I like flowers,” he reasoned. “And I like spending money.” Who doesn’t?
Who needs artificial stimulants (or flowers) when you can find nirvana at the Stone Circle? I’ve been to Glastonbury loads of times but never bothered to visit, my thinking being a) there is no bar b) it’s miles away and c) the Stone Circle wasn’t built until 1992 so it’s hardly Stonehenge. My hunches are true. There is no bar. It is miles away. And, worst of all, there’s a man playing the bagpipes.
Elton factor: one stone
Double-check Elton is best
It’s all very well cavorting around Glastonbury as Elton, but there are plenty of other legends on the bill. What if I’m missing a trick?
I don’t have the sneer for Alex Turner nor the quiff for Rick Astley. But now Slash is back in Guns N’Roses, I can channel my inner Saul Hudson. It’s easier to pop to the toilets for a slash dressed as Slash. But I’m worried I’m going to bump into an Axl Rose lookalike, have a big argument and ruin Glastonbury for everybody. I’m far safer as Elton.
Elton factor: four guitars
Go out late at night
I’ve been so busy embracing my inner Elton, I’ve forgotten what Glastonbury is 65% about – the music. Elton sang Your Song so he knows it’s not all about him. I try blagging my way backstage, but haven’t got the right wristband to prove I’m Elton. Although, after all these costume changes, I’m partially convinced I am he.
It’s well past Elton’s bedtime, but Dave the photographer insists that “Glastonbury only starts at 2am,” so I agree to meet him deep into the nightlife. I see things that would steam up even Elton’s glasses.
I gave my Elton experiment my best shot. As Elton sang: “I’m still standing better than I ever did / Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid.” I’m sure he would be proud.
Elton factor: three pianos
