Dear Coleen
I’m a 28-year-old woman and my boyfriend is 30. We’ve been with each other for about 18months and moved in together just before Christmas.
He is wonderful in so many ways, but because he was badly burned by an ex, he has serious trust issues when it comes to our relationship.
His long-term ex-girlfriend slept with one of his best mates, but he forgave her only for her to sleep with someone else. He ended the relationship, but was very hurt by what happened and also lost an important friendship along the way.
He’s very loving with me, but always wants to know where I’ve been, who I’ve been with and, if I’m late home, I get an interrogation. I end up feeling guilty even though I’ve done nothing wrong!
I’m starting to panic if my train’s late and feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
I’ve never done anything to make him doubt me.
I’ve told him how he’s making me feel on more than one occasion, but he can’t seem to help it. I really love him and I don’t want this to come across like he’s controlling or abusive because he’s not, but I’m tired of his paranoia. Can you help?
Coleen says
Let’s be clear – this is his issue, not yours and it’s incredibly wearing to have to constantly justify yourself and reassure a partner who’s so insecure.
The bottom line is, nothing you say will make a difference if he doesn’t admit that he has an issue with trust and deal with it. And maybe he needs some counselling to help him work through the issues.
It’s important to get across to him that you won’t put up with it and unless he does take steps to change his behaviour, your relationship will fail.
This really takes its toll on your sense of self and the freedom to live your life – are you going to stop seeing friends or talking to other guys? Are you going to stop doing things because you’re so worried about how he’ll react? It’s a very slippery slope.
So, you must be firm with him now. Tell him you understand he’s been hurt, but you’re not his ex and don’t want to be compared to her.
It’s also important that you carry on living your life as you want to live it without feeling guilty or worried.
Unless he starts to make positive changes, then you need to reassess the relationship.
