I may not be a doctor … but I’m almost certain you have ADHD

‘Try not to get tied in a knot wondering how much the modern environment, which is drastically more difficult to navigate with the symptoms of ADHD, may be directly influencing those symptoms.’ Photograph: SIphotography/Getty Images/iStockphoto

Well it’s official, you have ADHD now. I hate to be the one to break it to you – I imagine you’d prefer to hear it from a doctor or a psychologist, or even just someone who isn’t banned from entering hospitals because they keep drinking all the saline packets like they’re juice boxes (I’ll remind you I’m a taxpayer).

But with the way things were going – the ever-increasing explosion in adult ADHD diagnoses, the reassessment of who’s been chronically overlooked (read: women), the course-correcting of the course-correcting – you must have known this was coming. By now most of your friends have all been diagnosed, it was just a matter of time that you got the green light too. I’m just saving you the trouble of finding an expensive specialist who, suspiciously, had to do even more school than a regular doctor, despite allegedly being smart. Doesn’t add up.