Over the years, my best friend and I have shared the highs and lows of motherhood, career and family. As we get older, however, it troubles me that we have never discussed her well-hidden eating disorder.
When I found out she had disordered eating (it took me years to realise, as she is very clever), I decided to wait until she was ready to talk. But now, a decade on, I think it unlikely that this conversation will ever happen. There was one opportunity recently, when she had to have some teeth re-veneered, and said breezily, “I wonder why that had to happen?”, but I was too slow to seize it and ask a question.
I sometimes worry our friendship is not authentic because there is such a large part of her life from which I am excluded. I grew up in a family beset by secrets, and I’m quite used to keeping the status quo by not asking confronting questions. Perhaps that is why our friendship works. I could go on this way indefinitely, but I love and care about my friend and know that underneath the impressive exterior, there is a lot of pain. Do I leave it as is? Or do I say something – and what could I say that won’t be potentially friendship ending?
Perhaps you have worked out, on some instinctive level, that loving and caring about your friend means not mentioning this part of her. Presumably you think that by mentioning her eating disorder you can have a talk about it and … then what? It won’t be magically cured since, if that were possible, she’d have been free of it years ago.
Eating disorders are complex. Over the years of speaking to specialists, that’s the word that comes up the most when we talk about them. Talking to you about it may not make it better; it might even make it worse. Maybe she needs this place, with you, where she’s not defined by her eating disorder.
I consulted UKCP-registered psychotherapist Ali Ross. He said even if you were to bring it up and have a conversation with your friend about it, “It wouldn’t address the underlying issue” since an eating disorder is usually a symptom of something else. Your friend may not even know what the underlying issue is.
Neither Ross nor I felt you should bring it up. We understand you want to help, but Ross said the best way you could do this was by “continuing to be a loving friend, and being available if she chooses to talk about it at some point”. And if she were to bring it up, just listen to her, since eating disorders are, he said, very often about “control and discipline”, and she’s unlikely to react well to being told what to do.
I think you forcing it out into the open might take away her feelings of control and bring shame to the fore, all of which could be damaging for her.
I really understand about wanting everything to be out in the open, but this isn’t realistic. Everyone has a private part of themselves.
You talk about it not being an authentic friendship because you’re excluded from this part of her life. But as Ross said: “That’s not the contract of friendship”. Do we need to know everything about our friends?
I really understand you want to take away her pain, but you may have to accept that it’s out of your control. And maybe, as you say, the reason your friendship works is because you care but you don’t pry into something you feel she doesn’t want to talk about. Personally I think this is not a failing on your part, but a skill.
• Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
• The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
