I am a middle-aged woman married to a man and have teenage children. My marriage is not an unhappy one and my husband and I have much in common, but it lacks intimacy these days. We’ve been together just over 20 years.
Over roughly the last five years I have intermittently developed romantic obsessions with female TV actors. These infatuations are always triggered by an onscreen same sex relationship, even if we just see a kiss. That will be enough for the obsession to take hold and sometimes last for many months (especially if there is fuel to add in the form of more episodes or online content). It may also extend to the actor themselves.
I have always thought it likely I am at the very least bisexual, and these infatuations only ever relate to women, not men. I have never been in a same sex relationship, but have had crushes on real women in the past. These intense obsessions involve much fantasising, make me question my sexuality, and can also lead to reduced interest in my own life and usual interests, and a low mood, historically bordering on depression.
Why does this happen to me and what can I do?
I went to COSRT-registered sex and relationship specialist Anne Chilton who thought you could be “using fantasy as a way of distracting yourself from your unhappiness. We can get into these kinds of cycles when we’re using something else to make us feel better.” There’s nothing wrong with fantasising – I’d be bold enough to say we all do it – but when it’s used as a constant escape from everyday life, you may need to look at what you’re running away from.
I asked Chilton how you might know if you were distracting yourself or you were genuinely attracted to women. Of course, we can’t know, but she said: “As a sex therapist I think we’re all on a spectrum: some people are wholly attracted to the same sex, some wholly to the opposite, and we can be attracted to one or the other [or both] at different stages in our lives.”
Chilton felt that what was indisputable from your letter is that you “are using the fantasy for a safe way of exploring something that is more exciting and fulfilling for you. So I can’t say if you are any particular orientation but you are probably quite bored, and what you’re trying to do in the fantasy is provide a bit of excitement for yourself.”
Chilton explained that it’s a safe outlet because: “We are in total control when we fantasise, not only of what happens to us but other people’s actions. And how they respond to us in real life isn’t like that.”
You may not find such interactions with women arousing in real life – or you might. You say you’ve had crushes, but they are also a safe way of exploring. So you may be aroused by thinking of two women, or you with another woman, but it’s “not”, observed Chilton, “necessarily what you would want”.
It’s clear there is something missing from your marriage. Whatever your real feelings, you do need to talk to your husband. You don’t necessarily need to tell him about your fantasies, but it sounds like the intimacy is a bit broken.
“With the best will in the world,” pointed out Chilton, “after 20 years it’s hard to keep things as bright and sparky as they were in the beginning. You say you have teenagers: they may well be going off and developing themselves, and that may trigger the lack of excitement in your own life.”
Chilton said that the prime time for divorce was three to four years after marriage, or 20 to 24 years after, often coinciding with retirement and couples looking at each other and thinking: “What now?”
You would both definitely benefit from some couples therapy, but you may also want somewhere you can talk by yourself.
In the meantime, I’m not going to give you advice about going on dates or lighting candles and giving each other massages. But one thing that can really work in rebuilding intimacy is taking up a new, shared interest: a hobby, or sport, preferably something active, something where you can talk or not talk to each other. Where you can see each other in a different light and be doing something together out of the house.
You may also find these podcasts I did on intimacy and “is your relationship worth saving?” useful.
• Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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