My husband has a good relationship with his siblings, particularly his younger sister. While she is also a good friend of mine, I have come to realise that I am jealous of their bond and can feel sidelined by them at times. This can be when we visit his sister together or when she comes over and my husband is home.
He values her opinion (sometimes more so than mine) and when they start a conversation it’s hard to get a word in edgeways. As they both work in the same field their conversations are usually around their industry, which I have not much interest in, and while I have tried to listen in and learn a bit, I’m often unable to add anything to the conversation – and that’s if I can get a word in.
When my sister-in-law comes over, she will say hi to me and make a beeline for my husband. When he isn’t home, we have a good time together but I feel that she would rather be with her brother than me.
I think part of why I find it hard is because when we used to visit my husband’s brother I would spend 40 minutes staring at the floor or wall while they had their chat. After particularly unkind words from his brother’s wife, I no longer go with him when he visits.
I have a good relationship with my siblings (two sisters) but would like to not feel so left out with my husband and his sister and abate this unwelcome feeling of jealousy.
It’s a very isolating, and at times shame-inducing, experience to feel left out. It can also feel very juvenile. But I get lots of similar letters to yours.
I went to psychotherapist Nicole Addis. The positives first: “Your husband has a good relationship with his siblings and we assume he grew up in a good family system where loving bonds were nurtured, that’s all good.” I’d also like to add: bravo to you for admitting how you feel.
Addis noted you were one of three children yourself and triads can be challenging as often one person can feel left out. She wondered what was “really going on for you here? If we think about jealousy, there’s a fear of rejection, or of losing something – a position or a partner; there’s a feeling that ‘something has been or will be taken away from me’.”
We all feel like this at times. When we do we have to dig into why we’re feeling this way. Is someone purposely excluding you? Or is there something about other people’s closeness that makes you feel excluded? In your situation, there may be some carelessness in your husband and his sister’s attitude (and that can, of course, be painful) but it doesn’t sound as if they were purposely excluding you. Try to separate out what may be coming from inside of you and what is actually happening, then home in on the feeling and work out if it reminds you of anything else (beyond the brother and the other sister in law)? When else have you felt like this?
“I wondered,” said Addis, “if there’s something from your past that you’re ‘rubber banding’ together with what is happening. Sometimes when there is a familiarity in an experience, how you feel takes you back to how you felt ‘back then’ instead of now. Is it possible that something about your husband and his sister reminds you of you and your two sisters? Was there a sense of hierarchy with them, did you feel like you were piggy in the middle?”
Of course, it could be that your husband and his sister do exclude you. “This really,” explained Addis, “then becomes a question about your own relationship. Do you and your husband find time for shared interests? Do you communicate well? This intimacy can buffer you from outside interferences and the more we pad out the present the less the past can get through.”
I did wonder about your own life and friends. You didn’t mention them. When our own lives feel small, things can hurt more. You do need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, for there is no shame in it. He can then be mindful of you when you’re all together. Sometimes just someone knowing your pain – and knowing that they care about it – can be really bolstering. You might also find the podcast I did on envy helpful.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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