The question I am a woman in my 50s and I have recently fallen deeply in love with someone I’ve known for many years. Beyond the strong physical attraction between us, we seem to have in common several emotional and intellectual attributes and, for the first time, I feel I am perfectly compatible with a man and we both feel the same.
At times I feel terrified. Do I deserve to be happy? Beyond some very close friendships, and strong family ties, particularly with my parents who have both died, I have not found this kind of emotional closeness in any of my previous long-term relationships. I always found meaning in my life through my work. This relationship started after a serious health problem was resolved.
He, too, has been through some difficult times in recent years. For the first time in my life I am prioritising a relationship rather than work – I feel a bit guilty about this and the intensity of my own emotions surprises me and scares me. For both of us, our lives before our relationship had been satisfying and full of love, even in the absence of a partner, but this relationship and deep feelings for each other have taken us by pleasant surprise. He feels that his life has gained in colour and I feel that my life has gained a previously lacking 3D dimension.
But I am insecure: will it all come to nothing? At times, I worry this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am certain of my love as well as his, and feel we can each see the other in our full glory but also with warts and all. How can I deal with my fears other than by acknowledging them?
Philippa’s answer It’s normal to feel a mix of excitement and fear when embarking on a new and significant relationship, especially one that diverges from the patterns you’ve followed in the past. Recognise that these emotions are a natural response to change and uncertainty. What can you do about them other than acknowledging them? Don’t dismiss the power of observing a feeling by holding it at a distance from you, then you get to watch that feeling rather than have it overwhelm you. Likewise, don’t say to yourself, “I am insecure,” which is defining your whole self. Say instead, “I feel insecure,” because it is just a feeling you have – it isn’t all of you. Small changes like these, when practised mindfully, make a big difference.
It’s not that you are undeserving of happiness, it is more, I think, that you haven’t worked out how to sit with it. It’s like getting a beautiful new piece of furniture for your home that you don’t know where to put. You will find a place for it and get used to it. In time, you will even take it for granted sometimes. Just as you might not always appreciate the new piece of furniture as it gets older, it is still there, ready to support you and add to your comfort and happiness.
If you are long used to your own company, even though you adore being with your new partner, it may feel over-stimulating for you. This may be experienced as agitation. Everyone sometimes needs a bit of alone time to get back in touch with themselves. Over time, being with a beloved partner won’t have the over-stimulating effect it has at the beginning.
Perhaps, before your love came along, the “significant other” role was fulfilled by your parents and it feels a bit like a seismic shift having that role now filled with a sexual love rather than a filial one. It’s a different, new kind of attachment you are experiencing; allow yourself space and time to become accustomed to it.
Anxiety is often perpetuated by internally asking ourselves the question “What if…?” What if this doesn’t work out? What if I take my eye off the ball at work? Watch out for that inner voice and its what-ifs. Observe it, but don’t get carried away with it. It can help to change the “What if” to “So what”. So what if I love and lose? At least I’ve loved. So what if I prioritise love before work? Yeah, so what! Focus on the current experiences and joys of your relationship. Keep connected to the here and now rather than indulging in catastrophic fantasies of the future. Life is full of uncertainties, but it’s also full of beautiful moments that deserve to be cherished, so slow down and cherish them. Integrating this new love into your life doesn’t mean abandoning other aspects of who you are, such as a successful professional; it means creating a rounder and more fulfilling existence.
Relationships serve as human mirrors for us. You have a new mirror in your life giving you a new, different perspective of yourself. It takes time to really know a new person and time, too, to get to seeing yourself differently – as a person deserving of a great love.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader.
If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
