Marriage is a bond that’s meant to last forever, but for almost half of us who make that commitment (42% in the UK) it will end in divorce. Today, the first Monday in January, is lovingly known by family law specialists as Divorce Day, due to the annual uptick in new cases they typically receive after the Christmas break.
A separation or divorce is one of the hardest things we are likely to go through, bringing emotional stress and heartbreak, plus practical difficulties from dividing belongings and assets to working out how to care for children and pets, and sorting out new living arrangements. But it can also mean an end to some unhappiness, and a fresh start, particularly if you can find ways to divorce amicably.
For some people, there’s a moment that signals it’s the end, and no matter how much they might want to, there’s just no going back. We speak to three women about the moment they knew their marriage was over for good.
'I knew I couldn't waste any more time'
Catherine*, 49, couldn’t go on another day with the man she married.
"Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but sometimes I wish that I could turn back time and tell my 28-year-old self to trust her instincts. We’d only been together for 18 months when I had a big church wedding in October 2003. My husband was attentive and showered me with compliments, and I believed I was lucky to have him.
"But just four days later, even before we’d had our honeymoon, he turned to me as he was leaving for work and said he’d changed his mind about having children. I stared at him in shock as he shrugged, smiled and kissed me goodbye, as if he’d just told me he’d forgotten to buy milk.
"Early in our relationship, we’d discussed children, and agreed that was our plan. So this should have been the moment I walked away, but I’d always believed marriage was forever, so I put my painful disappointment aside.
"But as the years went on, and I accepted we’d never have children, his selfishness was staggering.
"In 2005, my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and while I rallied to help, my husband gave no emotional or practical support. When I told him I needed to take a week’s annual leave to help with hospital visits, he looked enraged. ‘Am I supposed to take holidays on my own then?’ he snapped.
"In that moment, I knew I couldn’t waste another moment on someone so self-centred. I got a solicitor, changed the locks, and after my divorce was finalised in December 2008, I felt proud of myself for leaving such an unhealthy situation. I remarried in March 2013 to a kind, loving man.
"I’ve never had children, and while it’s not something I regret, I wish I’d seen those early warning signs that things weren’t right in my relationship. I should have left sooner."
'Tension between us grew by the day'
Honor Marks, 59, runs empowering retreats for women in midlife (Honestly With Honor)
"When I got married in November 2002, in my late 30s, we hadn’t been together long, but we already had a daughter together. We had different interests – he loved rugby and heavy metal music, which I hated – but we were in love.
"Only, as the years went on, tension grew between us and we often argued. I was miserable, but divorce felt like a failure I couldn’t face.
"In 2015, for my 50th birthday, we went on a dream holiday to Vietnam. But it was a nightmare. We fought about everything.
"After a day of sightseeing, we got back to our hotel and he said, quite simply, ‘It’s over.’ There wasn’t even any sadness in his voice – it was a statement of fact. I felt hurt. Although I knew he was right, I struggled to accept it.
"Back in the UK, we told our daughter and, in time, I realised how unhappy I’d been. Now single, I honestly can’t thank him enough for making the decision to end our marriage."
'I realised things were never going to change'
Lisa Arterton, 41, is a therapist who specialises in helping women build healthier relationships.
"I met my husband aged 16, the summer I left school, and back then, we were best friends. We married in May 2006 and had our daughter, Ellie, in February 2009, but as the years went on, I had more time to work out who I really was. Working as an air steward for Virgin Atlantic, I also got to travel, which was fun and exciting.
"After more than a decade together, our marriage lost its spark, so in spring 2012, after coming home from a trip away, I suggested a night out. I felt bored in our relationship and wanted us to enjoy a rare night of freedom while Ellie was with her grandparents.
"Excited to spend some time together having fun, I suggested a bar crawl, but he seemed completely unimpressed with the idea. In fact, he didn’t want to leave the house at all. Instead, he wanted to order a takeaway and watch a film. ‘But we do that every weekend,’ I said, my heart sinking. As the words came out of my mouth, I realised he was never going to change, and that I had.
"I was only 29, there was so much I wanted to see and do, but I knew I couldn’t do any of it if I stayed.
"That night, I sat him down and told him how I felt. He confessed he was unhappy too, and we both realised our marriage was over, which was heartbreaking and terrifying. The next months were challenging, as we sold our family home and arranged separate lives for ourselves, but since then we’ve both remarried.
"I now have two more children, a career as a therapist and I’ve relocated to Spain. I’m glad I found the courage to move forward."
Is your marriage over? Things to ask yourself
Ending a marriage is a monumental decision. While these women had a moment of clarity and knew theirs was over, it's not always so straightforward.
If you are struggling in your relationship, Woman’s agony aunt Suzie Hayman advises you to consider, "Can it be mended instead of ended? Not papered over, but the reasons for your dissatisfaction explored. What would need to change for you to feel as you once did?
"Guidance from a counsellor might help, but you’d both have to do the work, and if one of you can’t commit, a new life apart is better than the old life in misery," she continues.
"Turning your life around takes effort, but it would be worth it. Talking with friends and family, as well as a counsellor, can help you decide what you’d really like and how to make it happen.
"It’s really important to face up to what went wrong, or you could repeat the same mistakes. A good counsellor and solicitor can guide you in negotiating and compromising rather than fighting, and help you make the next step."
*Catherine's name has been changed for her privacy
This article first appeared in January 2025 in our sister magazine, Woman. Buy a copy or subscribe today.
