I’m a woman in my late 30s who, since childhood, has thought it vital to be polite to those around me, including saying sorry when I feel I’ve done something wrong. While I have a happy and fulfilling life, I’ve always had very low self-confidence. This combination of wanting to acknowledge others appropriately and constantly doubting myself has turned me into a person who apologises a great deal. Often, it happens so fast I’m not even conscious of it. It is definitely coming from a place of anxiety and has affected my personal and professional life. It drives my loved ones and colleagues mad, and then it drives me mad that they point it out – only making me more anxious about it.
It is a particular problem when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of others. I try to have everything written down so I stay concise and don’t go off on a nervous tangent, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. I am an early-career academic specialising in politics, so speaking confidently is important. I have been trying to fix this by “exposure therapy”, teaching classes and forcing myself to ask any question I can at public events – despite numerous public “humiliations” by established male academics. I have also tried to consider “pausing” before speaking, so I am more aware of when I’m apologising, but that will only work initially before I fall off the wagon again.
