A healthy romantic relationship relies on give-and-take and a willingness to compromise. Partners who always expect to get their way may find their love boat heading for rocky shores sooner rather than later if they don’t figure this out.
One woman reached the end of her tether after her self-centered husband once again dropped his last-minute plans on her, forcing her to miss out on a party at work and pick up a school run for good measure. She took to Mumsnet to share her tale of woe.
More info: Mumsnet
Healthy partnerships run on give-and-take, but this woman’s husband is all take, take, take
Despite her having made prior arrangements months ago, he blithely announced his last-minute plans to meet his friends at the pub
Annoyed, she asked him whether that meant she had to do the school run, too
At this point, he tried to backpedal, suggesting they rope in the grandparents for babysitting, but the situation turned into a full-blown argument
Image credits: Poppyfie1ds
At her wits’ end, the woman turned to the web to vent and ask whether she was being unreasonable for expecting her husband to plan like an adult who’s part of a family unit
OP begins her story by telling the community that she and her husband work full-time for the same company and have an eleven-year-old son. She adds that the company is having a social event of sorts in a couple of weeks, but that her husband told her he wasn’t interested in going months ago when the event was first announced.
Fast forward to today, and, while OP is cooking dinner, her husband gets back from the office and blithely lets her know that, after the work social, he and a few of his male colleagues are going to the pub. OP says that at no point did he even ask her whether she had planned to go to the event.
Annoyed, she said she guessed she’d be doing the school run, at which point he quickly tried to backpedal and rope in their son’s grandparents to deal with the childcare. Infuriated, OP told him they really needed to talk to each other at the planning stage rather than having him drop last-minute plans on her.
Well, her husband called her “deranged” for being annoyed and told OP he’d pull out of the pub trip if it would make her happy. He added that what OP’s expecting of him “isn’t normal,” but by this point, OP says the pub trip wasn’t even the problem anymore, rather the inconsideration and lack of clear communication.
OP says that her husband threw a fit and told her that he’d never make plans or go out again, but that all she expects from him is to talk to her about his plans as he arranges them—something like an actual adult who’s part of a family unit. She concludes by asking the community whether that’s being unreasonable.
A romantic partner who always expects things to go their way can lead to much instability and strife in a relationship, essentially rendering it unbalanced.
But what makes someone selfish? And what’s the best way to deal with a partner who always thinks they’re entitled to getting their own way? We went looking for answers.
In her article for Marriage.com, Sylvia Smith writes that selfishness in a spouse can come in various forms and degrees, and it’s critical to distinguish between occasional selfish acts and a prevailing pattern of behavior that may damage the relationship.
Smith puts forward 23 telling signs of a selfish husband, some of which include never expressing gratitude, always prioritizing himself, never being there when you need him most, never accepting his mistakes, taking all decisions by himself, being ignorant of your interests and passions, and offering a lack of emotional support.
In his article for Psychology Today, Robert Enright (PhD) puts forward 5 approaches to dealing with a partner’s selfish behaviors.
A few of these include being aware of the subtleties of selfishness and careful not to exaggerate, figuring out the origins of the selfishness (familial or cultural), encouraging your partner to practice generosity toward themselves and others, and forgiving past selfishness.
Bored Panda reached out to psychologist Dr. Deborah Hecker to get her expert opinion on the situation facing OP.
When we asked her what she thought of the husband’s habit of failing to communicate clearly with his wife she had this to say, “Poor communication can take many forms. In this particular example, the husband expected his wife to read his mind without discussing his needs in a rational way. Perhaps unwittingly, he also assumed she would conform to the defined gender role of being a submissive housewife by putting his needs ahead of hers.”
Hecker added that his ineffective communication, however, is not his only shortcoming.
“By not considering his wife’s, their children’s, and his in-laws’ needs, I would call him self-serving,” says Hecker.
Hecker went on to say, “Good partnering is best expressed by not only reflecting on what you want for yourself, but also by understanding and inquiring about what other people’s needs are, which may differ from yours.”
We asked Hecker for one piece of advice she’d offer OP.
She responded, “It’s easy to understand her anger towards her husband for his selfishness and inept communication. However, by laying full blame on him, she will continue to feel annoyed, unsupported and on the opposite team from him.”
Hecker concluded, “If her goal is to get back on the same team, I suggest she let go of needing to be right and blaming him, and consider asking herself the following question: How might I have contributed to the situation? Knowing his pattern of being inconsiderate and bringing up his needs at the last minute, she might have made her plans clearer and asked him to be more explicit about his.”
Perhaps OP needs to put her foot down with her husband and ambush his plans with some of her own, just so he can experience what he puts her through, for once. It certainly doesn’t sound like she’s going to put up with his abhorrent behavior for too much longer.
How would you have handled the situation if you’d been in OP’s shoes? Does her husband deserve a dressing down for his pattern of inconsiderate behavior? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, readers slammed the woman’s husband for his immature and selfish behavior, swiftly concluding that she was not being unreasonable in her request
