Sometimes it’s hard to know just how to react. Whether to laugh or cry. Or just to wander off and quietly inject yourself with large quantities of morphine. Much like most Tory MPs seem to have been doing for the past year or so.
Should you just sit back and applaud? In open admiration of the sheer cheek. The illusion that had been pulled off in plain sight of the entire nation. Somehow that doesn’t seem quite right with Jeremy Hunt’s autumn statement. Because actually the magic has been a bit rubbish. A bit like watching someone claim to levitate when they are actually propping themselves up with a stick.
But some will fall for that regardless. Because they want to believe. Worse, they need to believe. It would shatter their idea of the world order not to believe. The idea that the Conservatives might not just have wrecked the economy over the last 13 years, but could be hellbent on making it worse, is just too unbearable. A category error. They’ve been indoctrinated to believe that only the Conservatives can be trusted with the economy. That explains the reaction of the rightwing media. The self-deception is total. They are just in short-term survival mode.
Or should you respond with cold fury? At the naked contempt in which the Tories now clearly hold the country. An establishment elite that prioritises its own survival over any pain it inflicts on the rest of us. That no longer cares whether its lies are believed or not.
All that matters is that they are in power and that they can retain it for as long as possible. Men and women – mainly Oxbridge-educated – who have been brought up to believe that they are the best and that they know best for the little people. The certainty that comes of ruthless entitlement. They can do what they like. Worse still, they are prepared to actively make things worse in the knowledge that they won’t be around to fix it. Leave Labour an impossible task, so the Tories in opposition can blame them for failing to fix it. This isn’t just naked moral corruption. It’s open vandalism. Nihilism.
It was the morning after the day before and Jezza was up in Chester on a pointless PR stunt to try to sell his autumn statement. First, though, was the morning media round. Always a challenge, even if you were a chancellor with a tangential grip of reality. Most budgets don’t survive contact with prolonged scrutiny.
“I want you to know that I have taken decisions for the long term,” insisted Jezza. “This wasn’t a pre-election budget.” It’s often hard to tell if Hunt is trying to be funny or is just very, very stupid. Probably best to assume the latter. In his best life, Jezza would have been a catalogue model for Littlewoods. Flogging mid-priced knitwear for the mid-priced male. His obvious lack of intelligence thrown over you like a reassuring comfort blanket. He and his number two – the half-witted Laura Trott – may well be the dimmest pair ever to sit in the Treasury. Something for both of them to boast about in their retirement.
How could tax cuts that all economists – bar the criminally insane Institute of Economic Affairs – reckoned were ill-judged and unaffordable be anything but election fodder? Especially when they were due to begin earlier than normal. Anything to keep panicky Tory backbenchers from a total meltdown. Give them a delusion to believe in. One day, Jezza may realise that insulting the intelligence of voters may not be the best approach to government.
But Hunt was only just getting started. It wasn’t long before the bollocks-ometer was dangerously in the red. The thing is, Jezza just can’t help himself. When he begins a sentence he has no idea how or where it is going to end. He just burbles nonsense. No matter how much the BBC’s Nick Robinson and others tried to steer him to something approaching coherence. All the interviews turned into an embarrassment. Only the chancellor had no idea of the effect he was having. It was like listening to a man stab himself with a stiletto. Only to realise he was fatally wounded a day later.
The economy was growing, he insisted. No it isn’t. It’s flatlining at best. Worse than predicted. Debt is coming down. No it isn’t. That’s just a lie. We’ve beaten inflation. No we haven’t. It’s two-and-a-half times higher than the target rate. He was bringing down the tax burden by a record amount. No he wasn’t. The tax take was on course to reach a record high. “Oh that,” giggled Jezza nervously, the incomprehension absolute. What he had meant was that tax wouldn’t be going up quite as much as if he hadn’t cut national insurance! Of course. Ha, ha, ha!
We carried on like that for another 10 minutes. Disappearing further and further into a meaningless hall of mirrors. Just an exercise in performative futility. Hunt and the Conservative party stripped bare to reveal a black hole where you would hope government to be found. Jezza had no idea how the cuts in public services that would fund his crap magic would be found. Efficiency savings, he guessed. The same efficiency savings the Tories have been using to justify cuts for the past 13 years. Not that he was bothered. He wouldn’t be around to apologise to those who would be most affected.
Eventually, all the interviews collapsed in on themselves. Hunt’s Law of Political Entropy. If he had a fault, it was that he had been too honest. He could have gone for broke and cut inheritance tax. Only he was saving that for the April budget. The last throw of the dice. Still, he had been unfailingly charming in his dimness and hadn’t lost his temper, so that must count for something. No one could say the Tories weren’t polite in their destruction.
Was that the time? Jezza had to get away before anyone asked him about the 5% rise in the energy price cap that would make the cost of living crisis even worse and would fuel inflation. And before the ONS figures dropped showing a net rise in immigration. So much for Rishi Sunak’s promises. Who would have guessed that Brexit might have led to labour shortages? If only there had been some kind of clue.
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