When Aditya moved from India in 2014 to Lincoln, Nebraska, to pursue his PhD in marketing, it took time to build new friendships. “As a gay man, I hadn’t been ‘out’ in India, but over the years I joined various networks,” he says. In June 2017, three years after moving, he decided to throw a picnic party to celebrate his birthday. When a mutual friend asked him if one of the older PhD advisers could join them, he had no idea they were destined to become best friends. “I didn’t know Isabel, but I said it was fine. The guest list was mostly young gay men so I was a bit worried she’d feel left out.”
The party was held at a lake near Lincoln. Before Isabel arrived, she asked their mutual friend what to bring. “They told me he loved tea, so I ended up buying PG tips,” she laughs. Aditya was thrilled with the gift. “My first impression was that she seemed quite shy. Over the day, I was keeping an eye out to make sure she was included.” Despite his concerns, Isabel had “a blast” and felt very welcomed by Aditya’s friends. “I thought he was very serious at first, but he was really interesting and a very good host.”
Over the next few months they tried to meet up again, but life got in the way. It wasn’t until autumn that they finally met for coffee. “I had been living in Nebraska and working as a linguistics professor since 2008,” says Isabel. “But I am Mexican-American and originally from Baja California.” Talking to Aditya, she was moved by how well he empathised with her experiences of building a new life away from home. “He understood the pressures of being different in a new country. I also really admired his courage to leave his home and do something that fulfils him.”
Aditya quickly sensed that their friendship would grow into something special. “I’d really missed spontaneity and informality in conversation and I found that in Isabel instantly,” he says.
They continued to meet up regularly, both as a twosome and with mutual friends. “We love doing crafty things together. There’s not many people in my life I can just say: ‘Hey, I’ve got a glue gun and some glitter, let’s go!’” says Isabel. “He’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, and he has an unparalleled sense of humour.”
The pair also enjoyed comparing their cultures, and found lots of unexpected similarities. “I once gave someone this beautiful wrapped gift, and it was like someone ripping my heart out when they took off the wrapping. In India, wrapping paper is basically sacred and you always carefully fold it for your cousin’s next birthday,” he laughs. “Isabel agreed it was exactly the same in Mexico.”
In 2019, Aditya moved to Illinois for a job at a university, but their friendship has only grown stronger. “I live a couple of miles from work and call him every day while I walk there,” says Isabel. They also support each other through difficult times. “I hit the doldrums every fall [autumn],” says Aditya. “I can never get used to the midwestern weather change. She’s always there to cheer me up with surprise gifts and letters in the mail. The letters are something I look forward to the most: it’s like getting a gift of words.” She also gives him dating advice and will tell him if he’s being “too picky or commitment-phobic”.
In early 2022, Isabel’s mother passed away, and Aditya was there for emotional support. “This Christmas was really hard as it was the first without her. I called him and he was there to keep me company in this incredibly sad moment,” she says.
Though the pair are different ages and come from different backgrounds, they say it only enhances their friendship. “I’m a married mother, but my life goes far beyond that,” says Isabel. “I am concerned about the way we live in class-, age- and race-segregated environments because we lose part of the human experience by only having relationships with people like us.”
Aditya agrees. “We found something in each other that resonates so deeply that it goes beyond superficial differences. I have learned so much from Isabel, because she is able to pierce through the nonsense. She has a clear eye on what makes life meaningful and there’s always something new to discover with her.”
