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Louise Thomas
Editor
From sleepless nights to empty nesting, every parenting stage comes with challenges – and right now, the mental health epidemic is leaving many of us unstuck.
The Royal College of Psychiatrists reported a 53% rise in the number of children in mental health crisis over the past four years. So, perhaps it’s no surprise that according to new research from Bupa, nearly half (44%) of parents say worrying about their child’s mental health makes them stressed and anxious, resulting in sleep deprivation for more than a quarter (29%).
Holly Matthews, self-development coach and founder of the Happy Me Project, can understand. The former Waterloo Road actress, who has a new book out in September about finding your confidence, lost her husband in 2017 to brain cancer, and since then has been raising her two daughters alone.
“I live and breathe it myself,” she says. “We were already finding things difficult, because finances have been squeezed, there’s all the environmental stuff and then we had lockdown. You’ve also got the fact GPs are struggling, schools are struggling and there is no funding.
“People are at breaking point, and children are living in homes where parents are trying to juggle everything, be everything and do everything, with zero support.”
As parents, we can’t step off the treadmill when life gets tough for our kids.
“The way your child feels and behaves directly impacts you,” notes Dominique Antiglio, sophrologist, author and founder of BeSophro. “The way you feel and behave also directly impacts your child.
“When there is so much going on in a parent’s life, it’s no surprise wellbeing suffers. Anxiety, insomnia, depression, parental burnout, or simply living in a constant overwhelm state are some of the difficulties a parent can endure.”
Caring for a child with mental health struggles is profoundly difficult, she adds, especially when dealing with other challenges, such as single parenting, relationship issues, financial difficulties or a pressurised job.
We need to tend to our needs as well as theirs, says chartered psychologist Suzy Reading, author of Self-care For Tough Times: “Our children need us to be able to keep giving and keep going. We can move away from this black and white thinking about you’re either a selfish person or a selfless person – actually, you can be generous and present and loving, tending to the needs of others, and look after yourself as well.”
Time to drop some balls
It’s time to get real: parents are not superheroes.
“The pressure parents put on themselves is horrendous,” says Matthews. “When you’re dealing with a child that’s struggling, your focus goes on that. You have to give yourself permission to drop everything else.”
Celebrate wins
Matthews believes it’s important to acknowledge the moments when everything is feeling OK. It doesn’t have to be anything triumphant, but if everyone has got through the day without spiralling – that’s a win. “It’s going to take practise when you’re in the thick of it. On the worst days, your win might be ‘I ate and got dressed today’. And there’ll be days when it will be better – but train your brain to notice.”
Find ways to take breaks
Taking time out from the situation might seem impossible, but it’s important. If friends or family offer to help, say yes.
“If we don’t take the moments of respite, we will be the worst version of ourselves for our kids,” notes Matthews. “Allow yourself that support.”
And if no one is around to help, find a micro-moment. A long toilet break, a lunch hour with a meditative walk, a cup of tea in the garden – it all helps.
“We have to recognise that if we don’t do that, we will be reactionary,” Matthews adds. “We will not show up in the way that we want to, and we will deplete our energy.”
Establish a routine
Routines can feel mundane, but they can benefit the whole family in tough times.
“If you find a really boring template of how you’re going to do the adult stuff – like washing and making tea – then everyone can hang on that and know it’s reliable,” says Matthews. “Routine can be supportive and relaxing, because everyone knows – at this time, on this day, this happens. There’s a lot that feels very out of control, so wherever we can establish some, lean into it.”
Support your nervous system
When we’re anxious, our bodies go into fight or flight mode, forcing stress hormones to surge through our nervous systems. Matthews advises using breathwork, meditation, or whatever works for you, so you can start each day on a calming note.
“Don’t think you’ve got to sit in the lotus position in Bali to do meditation,” she says. “Just do 10 full breaths, hand on your heart, and check in with yourself. Finding ways to calm yourself before [seeing] children, means we’re going to bring our best selves to the table.”
Jamie Clements, breathwork specialist and founder of The Breath Space, says: “One of the most challenging things we see is people becoming stressed about stress.
“When it comes to parenting, a big part of this conversation centres around the concept of co-regulation. This is the unspoken conversation between two nervous systems, for example, a parent and child. If a parent is highly stressed, the child is likely to pick up on this and, in turn, find themselves falling into dysregulation, creating a vicious cycle. However, if a parent is regulated, this can support a child in staying in or returning to a more regulated state.”
Have a bedtime ritual
Reading is also a mum and knows how it feels to be running through to-do lists or overthinking worries when it’s time to sleep: “The trouble is, when our mind is so full, if you were to sit in stillness and try to relax, it’s really hard. So, I’d suggest something where you’re led – some kind of guided practice where it’s not about clearing your mind, it’s about listening.”
She suggests reading (or listening to) something uplifting, guided relaxation, or even a stretching routine before bed. “So often with mental health, we’re thinking, ‘I’ve got to think my way out of this – I need some kind of cognitive strategy’. Let’s not discount the power of rubbing magnesium oil into your feet because the anti-inflammatory properties will help you relax. And instead of trying to come up with all the solutions, you’re just being in the moment, feeling the sensation. That can be a circuit-breaker.”
Remember you’re not an expert
It’s only natural to want to find all the answers to our children’s problems and wave a magic wand. But, Reading says: “Let’s remember what our remit is. We are our child’s parent. We’re not our child’s therapist or coach. And in this do-it-yourself era, where we see all this information on the internet, we feel like we should be able to do everything. We can’t. You don’t have to fix this.”
Be vocal
Lisa Gunn, Nuffield Health mental health protection lead, suggests parents build a strong support network and, if possible, seek professional help.
“Friends and family are a good place to seek emotional and physical support from. It could be a simple chat about how you’re feeling, to identify stressors, establish better ways of coping and share experiences,” says Gunn.
“It’s also beneficial to discuss the option of making adjustments at work with your employer. Flexible working enables parents to balance their professional and personal lives, adapt their schedules to access medical appointments and be more present in both roles.”
