Much like anything else you do throughout life, learning how to have better sex is a process. The way you have sex - or want to have sex - now is going to be different from what it was in your 20s. That's totally normal - as is needing a little advice on how to change things up for the better.
Sexuality changes with age. Years in a long-term relationship may come with issues that hamper enjoyment in the bedroom. Whether it's confidence, lacking arousal, feeling disconnected, physical barriers, or just plain boredom, the good news is that there are many different ways to reignite your sex life.
With the help of leading relationship therapists, we explore how to have better sex and spice up your relationship, starting today, regardless of whether you're in a situationship, a new relationship, or a long-term partnership.
How to have better sex
1. Give yourself permission to feel pleasure
So many women were raised not advocating for their pleasure. No matter how many years you've been with your partner, this can be a real barrier in the bedroom, explains Courtney Boyer, a certified relationship and sexuality coach. "A lot of this was due to the belief that pleasure was wrong or a distraction from more important things," she explains. "But, thankfully, many women are rejecting this idea."
If you want to know how to have better sex, almost immediately, remind yourself that you deserve to feel pleasure and have your sexual needs understood and met - either by yourself or by a partner. "You are designed for pleasure," the coach says. "The clitoris' only biological function is pleasure, so you are 100% worthy of the most mind-blowing, toe-curling pleasure as well. Step into the power that pleasure can unleash within you."
2. Masturbate curiously
Whether you're single or in a relationship, masturbation is an excellent way to learn more about what really makes you tick, says Kate Moyle, psychosexual therapist and sexologist. "Self-pleasure is the perfect way to get to know your body and explore different types of touch and stimulation," she tells us.
You can choose to focus on manual pleasure or use your best sex toys. Either way, it's a great opportunity to focus on yourself.
"Harness the confidence you have outside the bedroom and use it to explore how your body works. How does it respond to certain pressures? Fast or slow touch? Vibration? Connect with your body. Befriend her. Explore all parts of her and see how she responds," Moyle suggests.
3. Address any physical problems
For many women, sex and menopause aren't a match made in heaven. With common symptoms of perimenopause, it's hardly surprising that sex drifts down the priority list.
If you're looking to change that then it's worth speaking to your doctor about your options. HRT treatments and alternatives to HRT can help to make sex more comfortable and solve issues such as vaginal dryness, a loss of libido, and uncomfortable experiences like night sweats.
Although, of course, this isn't the experience everyone has. Some report that their sex drive increases after periods stop for many reasons, including lower stress levels and higher levels of other hormones like testosterone, which increases libido.
4. Communicate
Communication will always be the route to making things better both physically and emotionally. Expressing your wants, needs, and sexual fantasies is an essential part of building a healthy and pleasurable sexual relationship.
"You can have all the knowledge about how your body responds sexually, but if you don’t communicate it, then it’s wasted information for your relationship," says Boyer. "Telling your partner what feels good empowers you by advocating for your pleasure. It also connects you with your partner mentally, and if they are armed with that knowledge of what pushes you over the edge, that can only be a good thing."
That's not to say that these conversations will be easy though. Many of us feel insecure asking our partners for what we want in the bedroom."I often say that talking about sex is like trying to hold a conversation in a language we have never been taught," says Moyle. "For many, it feels uncomfortable. When, in fact, talking about our sex lives is the best thing that we can do for them."
If you're not sure how to start talking to your partner about sex, start by asking questions like: 'What are your sexual desires?', 'What do you want to do more of?', 'Is it important to have sex for you in the first place?'. You may be surprised by the answers. Of course, you can always consider speaking to a sex therapist, independently or as a couple, if you're finding it difficult to open up the conversation.
5. Trigger your desire
If you haven't had sex in a long time, you may feel nervous about doing so again. That's normal. Deciding you want to rediscover your sex life is the first step, communicating that with your partner is the second, and getting back into it in a way that works for you is the third.
Triggering your desire is one way to do that. According to a study by Dr Rosemary Basson, there are two types of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. "Responsive desire is the type of desire that emerges once we have started something," explains Moyle, and spontaneous desire is the longing we see in television shows and films. It appears out of nowhere. While many people experience it early on in relationships, it's not the most common type of desire at any time. Most women need a trigger for their desire to get them in the mood for sex.
If you are someone who struggles to get in the mood for sex, then you can give yourself a head start by firing up your erotic imagination and triggering responsive desire, she says. "Take your attention to a sexual space using something like audio erotica, listening to it either on your own as a couple, or by trying one of the best sex games." This could also help you communicate with your partner better, offering you the chance to get your needs across and understand theirs.
6. Create context shift
Our spaces have become the same for work and play in recent years, and even if we're not at work, the bedroom and other intimate spaces in the home are often utilised for activities aside from sleeping and relaxing. This can be unhelpful for maintaining a good sex life as it makes it harder to settle into using the space in different contexts, explains Moyle. It can even contribute to other interpersonal issues at home like relationship burnout.
"As a psychosexual therapist, I often talk about it as 'switching off to turn on' which is hard to do when we are looking around at all of the things that are on our to-do list. Try and work with your environment to create a context shift," she says.
7. Put your screens away
Sexual arousal isn't a light switch, it takes time and space to build up. As useful as technology can be in the bedroom sometimes - hello, remote vibrators - when it comes to having better sex, it can be both help and hindrance.
Firstly, turn off your phone. Even the slightest buzz from the corner of the room or the idea you might miss a call, text, or email from someone could pull you out of that all-important romantic moment and change the energy in the room.
"It's difficult to feel desire if you're focusing on your work emails, scrolling through Instagram, or replying to messages from friends and family. It can lead to distractions that take you out of the moment. Putting your phone to the side or on 'Do Not Disturb' at least half an hour before bed is a good idea - or half an hour before the two of you want to spend some time together."
8. Practice mindful sex
When we put distractions to the side, we can start to have more mindful sex. "Mindful sex is all about directing your attention in the present moment, importantly with non-judgemental awareness," Moyle explains. "Many of us are easily distracted from the sex we are having by productivity-focused behaviour and the need to be 'always-on' in a social environment."
A study by the University of British Columbia suggests that a mindfulness-based approach to sex therapy may improve sexual function and arousal among women. If you're wondering how to be more confident and present in the bedroom and boost your sex drive, engaging in a little sexual mindfulness is a good idea.
A good way to get started is by using classic mindful techniques in the bedroom, Moyle says. "They help us to notice our arousal and encourage desire," she says. "Distraction can lead to a lack of awareness of what's happening in our body, so this can help us to enjoy sex more. Then, in turn, this acts as a trigger for desire in the future."
9. Eye contact
If the eyes truly are windows to the soul, then locking eyes with your lover is a no-brainer. As well as being a clear signal to your partner that you're paying attention to them, fixed eye contact stimulates the release of oxytocin - a bonding hormone often nicknamed the 'cuddle hormone.'
"Eye contact is a way of showing interest and attraction and can help to deepen intimacy, which can lead to you feeling more connected to your partner in the time leading up to and during sex," says Moyle.
10. Understand suggestions aren't rejections
Audio erotica, using apps and technology, mindful sex - these all might be totally new ideas for you and your partner. New ideas (especially those involving bedroom activities) can be intimidating and they also might not appeal to one (or both) of you, given that everyone likes and enjoys different things.
"Not being perfectly matched on our desires, curiosities or sexual behaviours is fine," says Moyle. "But when it comes to having better sex than what you've been having before, it's important to be open. Start with an understanding and awareness of this diversity and try not to personalise suggestions, but rather focus on the act or the suggestion itself."
For example, if you want to start using a particular vibrator in the bedroom but are unsure of whether your partner will like the idea, consider opening up the conversation about sex toys more generally. Open up the conversation and research all the different types of sex toys out there together if they say they'd like to try it too - there may be one that you both like the look of.
Simply shutting a suggestion down and making assumptions is the quickest way to end the conversation. Staying open means you may go down an interesting path you hadn't considered before, which could be a very good thing.
11. Know your own turn-offs
As much as knowing what turns you on is important, it's also essential to know what turns you off. This might also be different from what it used to be, so take the time to explore what doesn't get you going in the bedroom as much as what does. To feel turned on and relaxed enough to have sex, we all need certain criteria to be met.
"This is where we often get it wrong," Boyer explains. "We're so focused on adding all the good stuff, we forget the things that pump our brakes. If a sink full of dishes, cold feet in the bed, or a pile of laundry prevents you from getting in the mood, talk to your partner about that. Find a way to tackle those tasks together so you can be more present."
12. Consider when you're having sex
Convention says that sex is something couples do before going to sleep, and considering how busy life can be, no one could blame you for seeing it as the only time that works. However, it's also the time we tend to be the most tired, which is hardly going to ignite the loins.
So, changing the time you have sex could be the way to learn how to have better sex - and have more of it. You might decide that afternoons, when you're not so tired, work better for you, for example.
You can also keep things fresh by changing your routine occasionally, like trying the butterfly sex position, one of the best sex positions to take you out of the bedroom.
13. Take responsibility for your own orgasm
There's nothing wrong with being a generous lover - but remember that it's your sex life and your responsibility. "When it comes to our sex lives, we should all be responsible for our orgasms, rather than placing the expectation on the other person to deliver," says Moyle. "Better sex and body education for everyone can help us to feel more in charge of our pleasure, and to close the orgasm gap."
The orgasm gap is a term that describes the disparity in orgasms between mixed-sex couples, which is also known as orgasm inequality. According to Grace Wetzel's study on mixed-sex couples, published in the Sex Roles journal, the fewer orgasms women have, the fewer they expect. “If women do lower their expectations in this way, the more orgasm inequality may perpetuate in relationships," she says.
"Prioritising our partner's pleasure over our own can also act as a distraction and take us away from our own experience of what's happening in our body. Ironically, this can then pull us away from the potential of having an orgasm," says Moyle.
This goes for how you have sex too. Need to find the best sex position with lower back pain? Opt for missionary or spooning - and don't be concerned about switching things up if you experience discomfort.
14. Stop focusing on the big 'O'
Being able to have an orgasm is great, but what about all of the other wonderful parts of sex? The building up and even the pulling back at certain moments is all a part of the experience. This is also known as edging.
"Focusing on chasing an orgasm can create a goal-orientated nature to sex which sets up a pass-or-fail expectation and gets in the way of us enjoying the rest of the experience," says Moyle.
Also, the irony is that worrying about having an orgasm is one of the things that can stop one from happening. "The thoughts take us out of the moment and interrupt our focus on physical sensations and pleasure, which are the things that will most likely take us to peak pleasure."
If you see this pattern in yourself, mindfulness techniques can help to bring you back into the moment. While they're more generalised, utilising one of the best meditation apps can help with this.
15. Educate yourself - read more, listen to podcasts, and watch series
It's vital to remember that you don't have to be 'doing' sex to learn how to have better sex. "Listening to podcasts, Ted Talks, series, and reading helps to open up perspectives and normalize sex," says the sexologist.
"Most of us have never questioned what we know about sex, and that can give us quite a tunnel-vision view," she explains. "Opening our views up to other voices, perspectives and thinking about sex can be of real benefit to our sex lives, helping us to think about sex differently and break away from shame."
Self-sex education can happen in many formats, both formal and informal, and across the lifetime. Modern technology means you can be on your morning commute, reading all about the sexual fantasies other women have in Gillian Anderson's 'Want' on your Kindle or listening to an educational podcast.
Investing in the best sex books, our list of carefully chosen books by a team of sexual wellness experts is another ideal way to enhance your knowledge and learn more.
Above all, it's vital to know that pleasure has no limit or expiration date. As long as you're a happy and consenting adult engaging in healthy behaviours, no boundaries.
