Not everyone finds it easy or safe to pursue traditional dating. If you are a member of the transgender community, you might not live in a space where you can live openly, let alone where you can go to the local singles bar to pursue potential dates. You’re not alone if you’ve decided that online dating is the safer choice. You’re also not alone if you’ve found that online dating can be stressful and psychologically demanding too. Many trans folks have had the same experiences, but don’t lose hope. You can enjoy internet dating as a gender-diverse person while finding ways to lessen the mental load.
Protect Your Privacy
When you are empowered to control access to your data and yourself, you will feel much better navigating the online dating ecosystem. Look for trans dating apps like Taimi that care about your privacy, and give you the ability to determine who can access you and how. Many transgender folks feel safer when they have access to they can choose whether to display their gender identity, location, or other attributes publicly. They also look for:
- Incognito browsing
- Clear privacy policies
- The ability to have personal information deleted
- Easy profile blocking and reporting
Of course, you shouldn’t only rely on what dating apps offer to make your online dating experience feel safer. For example, consider using new photos for your profile instead of recycling images from your social media profile. Then, do a reverse image search on the pictures you do use. Make sure they aren’t connected with other accounts or your deadname. Also, many dating apps encourage you to connect your socials with your dating profiles. There are benefits to doing this, but proceed with caution. Consider connecting to alt socials or waiting until you feel a bit safer on the dating app you choose.
Takeaway: Make sure you feel comfortable about an app’s approach to data privacy. That way it isn’t a constant sense of worry.
Know Your Verification Cues
Profile verification is a way to ensure that people who are on dating apps are real people, and are who they claim to be. Most, not all, dating apps have some sort of verification. However, that process can vary, isn’t always mandatory, and there may be verification tiers. For example, an app may have a simple email verification to join, but require a photo ID and selfie video to get a verification badge.
Learn how verification works on any app you choose. Then, go through that process so that you build trust with other users. Then, learn what a fully verified profile looks like. It’s usually a blue checkmark or something similar. You can also look for ‘unofficial’ signs of legitimacy. If a profile has a complete and detailed bio, up-to-date photos, and the information they share is consistent, that is more likely to be legitimate.
Takeaway - Get verified and limit your actions to verified profiles to help alleviate stress caused by the need to feel constantly vigilant.
Pacing Disclosure
The choice to reveal your transgender identity is a personal one. There is no right way to do it, and you deserve to be safe no matter how you approach this. That said, it is better to think about this before you dive face-first into online dating. Here are some of your options:
- Choose a platform that was made specifically for trans folks - this will eliminate the need to come out at all. The downside is that if you are open to dating cisgender people, your options may be limited.
- Be fully out from the start by sharing your identity publicly on your profile - you won’t have to stress over coming out. However, there is some risk that you will attract chasers or bullies.
- Disclose when online relationships reach a certain stage - this approach is flexible and gives you more control. Keep in mind that revealing your gender identity could feel like a looming event.
Takeaway - Always prioritize your own comfort and sense of well-being when you decide how, when, or if you share your identity. You don’t owe anyone else a specific approach or timeline.
Be Aware of Fetishization
Nobody deserves to be fetishized. Sadly, it happens, even on trans-friendly dating sites. This isn’t a behavior that has clear boundaries. Often, people who fetishize gender-diverse people simply appear curious and attracted. They may even engage in fetishizing behavior without realizing how inappropriate and harmful it is. That doesn’t matter. It isn’t the job of trans people to teach others what is or is not fetishization. Your job is to recognize fetishizing words and actions, set boundaries, and make it difficult for unsafe people to participate in trans spaces. Be aware of people who:
- Constantly steer conversations to your gender identity and trans experience
- Ask you intrusive questions about surgeries or your anatomy
- Pressure you to share intimate photos
Look for dating apps that allow you to quickly block and report problematic user profiles. You can’t control whether someone is allowed to participate on a particular platform, but you can control whether they are allowed to interact with you.
Takeaway - Many of us are conditioned to be polite and accommodating - don’t let that compromise your emotional safety. Know the signs of fetishization and set clear boundaries.
Take a Break
Even if you find the most affirming app with great safety policies and procedures, online dating can feel stressful. The process of online dating requires you to be ‘on’, even when it’s fun. As a trans person, you have an additional layer of concerns that can make mental overload approach at an even faster pace. Don’t get sucked into hours a day of emotionally draining swiping, flirting, and chatting. Consider limiting the amount of time you spend on apps, and take a day off when it feels overwhelming.
Takeaway - That dating app will be there tomorrow. Prioritize your mental health and know when to take a break.
Choose an App That Feels Safe From The Start
If you choose online dating, selecting the right app is foundational. Vet any apps that interest you before you make a final choice. Look for affirming language, gender identity and pronoun options, safety features, and inclusive content. This will help you create an online dating experience that adds value to your life rather than creating additional stress.
