How much Louis Theroux is too much? As a big Theroux fan (not one of the weird ones who get his face tattooed on their body), there was a time when I would have thought that question was unanswerable. You can never have enough. Now, it turns out the answer is 22 hours and 37 minutes. I know this because I just spent 24 hours watching an endless stream of Louis Theroux documentaries. Honestly, I am not one of the weird ones.
The next obvious question is: why have I done this? Well, the BBC just released a new channel that is quite simply a 24-hour stream of non-stop Louis Theroux documentaries. I am doing this because it is there. Not just anyone could do this. Not just anyone has a life so full they have a spare weekend to dedicate 24 hours to watching Louis Theroux wander about in a succession of double-pocketed check shirts. I am that man of destiny and, like the first ascent of the Hillary Step, there will be moments of struggle, transcendent delight and deep soul-aching regret.
5pm – Friday
OK, where are we? Louis looks young, short hair, baggy green jumper. He’s opening a bottle of wine in a kitchen. There’s Ann Widdecombe! No one likes being surprised by Ann Widdecombe but I am thrilled. This is one of the When Louis Met … series, which I love. I miss the lighter period Louis when he was getting felt up by Christine Hamilton. This is going to be fun.
How have they scheduled these? It would be great if they randomised them like the shuffle option on a playlist. Damn, it’s chronological. Here’s Chris Eubank wearing the biggest denim shirt in Europe. I know he’s not the tallest man but it is down to his knees.
Louis is on to Keith Harris and Orville, then suddenly he is in a brothel in Nevada. This is a brilliant episode. Louis stays in the brothel for weeks and forms a rather sweet bond with a girl named Hayley. She keeps trying to get him into bed. Actually, she does get him into bed. My God, Theroux’s boxer shorts are capacious. Scary big, like space.
8pm – Friday
Time to eat. It’s leftover pad thai. A mother is playing in the kitchen with her two angelic daughters. She is sticking some black tape to the floor. Oh … it’s a swastika. Two girls are dancing an Irish jig around said swastika. Louis and the Nazis. This is such a depressing episode. They are so certain of their beliefs. Is there anything scarier than absolute certainty? Louis admirably refuses to tell some psychotic skin heads whether he is Jewish or not. He really is good at this and brave.
From Nazis to Michael Jackson. Louis fails in his quest to interview MJ but does annoy that old charlatan Uri Geller in the process, so not a total loss. Flagging.
11.30pm – Friday
In normal circumstances I would be asleep by now, but I am watching an old woman fritter away the last of her millions on slot machines. Fading fast. I leave Louis and his lilting intonation on as I drift off.
3.29am – Saturday
Need the loo but I am slightly worried that Uri Geller is going to be down there waiting for me with a bent spoon. What is Louis up to? An irate South African man is threatening to kill him. Law and Disorder in Johannesburg.
It is past 4am and we are on to paedophiles. I need to sleep. I have 13 hours to go. Why am I doing this again?
7.03am – Saturday
Wide awake and not refreshed. Louis is talking to crystal meth addicts.
10.03am – Saturday
I’m washing myself in the bath as Joe Exotic fondles a small tiger. This is what Saturdays are for!
Louis is flirting with a baboon. The dangerous animal episode is amazing. I’ve got a second wind.
Now we are back to the most hated family in the US, then extreme Zionists, then two episodes about Miami’s mega jail. I am losing it again. I like a mega jail as much as the next bloke … but two?
1.35pm – Saturday
“Stabbing is normal”. Yeah, whatever. Try watching Louis Theroux documentaries for 20 hours then come and talk to me about pain.
3.12pm – Saturday
I can’t go on. Twenty-two and a half hours in and I am done. A porn star named Tommy Gunn is talking about money shots. Make it stop.
4.26pm – Saturday
Less than an hour to go! We are dealing with autism now and I can barely see straight. Then something strange happens.
A new episode starts about people living with dementia and the loved ones who care for them. I am utterly engrossed. I have never seen this episode before and it is incredible.
There’s a couple called John and Nancy Vaughan. Nancy can’t remember her own name or go to the loo by herself. John, her husband of 60 years, is 88 and her full-time carer. The dedication and unconditional love is moving beyond words.
Louis asks John why he is still looking after her at home when she doesn’t know who he is. He says: “Because we agreed to be together until death do us part, and it hasn’t parted us yet.”
Then, Nancy, perhaps the real Nancy, comes back just for a second of seeming lucidity and says to John: “I owe you so much and I love you.” It’s like a visit from a ghost.
It is 5pm on Saturday and I’m crying uncontrollably. Thanks Louis.
