My daughter, who is near end-of-primary-school age, won’t leave the house at weekends, unless meeting up with a friend, or to go a party. This means family days out or walks never happen. I have become good at arranging meet ups with other families which she goes on without complaint and plays really well with the other children, not wanting to go home at the end.
The issue is we can’t do this every weekend. People have their own things on. On these days, we play a little in the house, board games or dress up etc, but by lunch she says she is bored and all she really wants is screen time. She neither wants to go out or can find interesting things to do at home. She is an only child, my husband struggles to play with her and meet her at her level or find things to do with her; so it is either me or the TV/phone.
She was very happy when lockdown started as it meant she didn’t have to go to school. We worked hard to get her to connect again with friends and I thought we had mostly resolved this. We have also had issues getting her into school, particularly post lockdown. This year has been better.
When she is with her friends she is great: smart, funny, energetic, happy, comfortable, thoughtful and kind. But she has always struggled to control her emotions. I think screen time is about numbing her big feelings. She is very empathic and understands how others might feel in situations. She still can have outbursts.
To the outside we are a happy functioning family, but both my daughter and husband can get angry and I have had to work hard managing my emotions as I get so cross at their crossness. I feel like I have to do the emotional management for all of us. Should I be worried or is this just part of growing up?
I spent a long time with your letter. There was a sense of sadness and loneliness at its core and I wondered: how much of this is about you and how much about your daughter?
You sound sensitive, caring and thoughtful, all wonderful attributes to bring to motherhood if you yourself have been, and are, cherished and thought about. But unreciprocated by the adults around you, they can lead to anxiety and a certain amount of projection. You mentioned that you have to do the emotional heavy lifting and that’s a lament I hear from many women. What would happen if you, too, got cross? Getting angry doesn’t have to be messy, it can lead to resolution.
What it is you are really scared of and worried about? I wasn’t sure. Can you quietly give voice to this? Are you worried your child is rejecting you? That she’s neurodivergent? Do you wonder what’s left for you when she does leave home? Is your husband annoying you? I think if you can be brave and really home in on what worries you, you may get closer to finding answers. Sometimes we locate problems in children that are actually rooted elsewhere.
I answered this week’s letter with ACP registered child and adolescent psychotherapist Emily Gough. Neither of us detected anything “not normal” about your child. She’s unhindered by siblings – “an only child often has to receive more of the parental projection,” says Gough – which means you have less to compare her to.
Gough pointed out that your daughter is on the cusp of adolescence which necessitates a “separating out” from child and parent.
My experience is that this process isn’t linear and they can go from wanting to be independent, to clingy, in an ad break.
School is an intense environment for children, I’m not surprised your daughter doesn’t want to go out much when she has the choice, or that she found it hard to go back after lock down. Lots did. Children don’t have enough downtime. You don’t have to play with her; it’s fine for you all to be doing your own things while together in the house, Gough said.
Being able to moderate feelings is something parents have to help children with, and model for them, and this is where there was some work to be done. I got the impression that there was a fear from you of big emotions. Where do yours go? We all need a safe place to explore big feelings. Does your daughter have this? Do you? I wondered if perhaps there was something a little intense and uncomfortable with you all when together as a triad.
What does your daughter say when you suggest going for a walk and what could you else could you do with her? I found colouring in with my girls often brought about great chats, because everyone is occupied and the intensity level is less for children. But it’s also a great way to sit in silence and wait to see what comes up.
• Annalisa made a podcast about motivating children that you may also find useful.
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