A few months ago, my dad went into a care home. The cognitive symptoms of his Parkinson’s were getting worse after 18 years and my mum could no longer look after him at home. The last time my wife and I visited him, I showed Dad some pictures of my son and he just cried in silence. Then we all cried. I knew my parents were getting older, but I am afraid of how much worse it can get. Although important people in my life have died, this feels different.
I left my country of birth after university and I feel limited in the ways I can help. My mum has started drinking alone and she can’t sleep without benzodiazepines. Other close family members are the same age or have distanced themselves from her.
My own family is growing as I have an amazing wife, a funny toddler and a new baby on the way. We live in London and we spend time with our friends. But I can’t hold back intrusive thoughts. For the first time I feel angry about being an only child. I don’t want to impose my sense of loss on my wife at this delicate time. Her parents are healthy and more present in our lives.
I love my parents deeply and I had a beautiful childhood. I try to spend as much time with them as possible, especially with my mum who can travel and spend time at our home, but I still feel I could do more to help them – and myself – in this phase of their lives.
I’m sorry for all you are going through. I went to the UKCP-registered psychotherapist Ali Ross with your letter; Ross has extensive experience working with people and families with life-limiting conditions.
Being faced with your parents’ mortality is a seismic event. Not only have they been our protectors for so many years but also it forces us to think of our own decline. Ross pointed out that your dad has been ill for some time and there may have been a possible avoidance (and who can blame you) that he’s been ill, but suddenly it’s very obvious and it can’t be denied any more.
Sometimes it’s helpful to think what you could have done differently, because that helps you realise that, actually, nothing would have changed where you’re all at now. Sure you could have never left home, never had a life of your own and then? Your father would have still got ill.
“There are things,” explained Ross, “that we can’t control – ageing, mortality, not being able to please everyone or satisfy all demands. That tension between living for ourselves and living for others.”
It’s easy to feel guilty for living a full and happy life when those of the people we love may be getting smaller, but how do you think your parents feel seeing you settled and forward-looking into your own life? Might this help you feel better?
Ross also wanted to challenge you to say “you still have a choice to move closer to your parents, do you want to do that?” It is a valid challenge. You could move back to be closer to your parents but would you want to? Sometimes thinking through the obvious “solution” is helpful as you realise that you do still have options, but also maybe that’s not one you really want – and I think you need to be honest with yourself. If you moved back, it would involve moving your wife, children and job. Is that fair? Only you can answer that.
I think it’s really important to care for one’s family when they become more vulnerable, but you also have a responsibility to yourself and your new family. Could you make yourself feel better by making sure your dad has the best possible care and doing something like regular visits to him every X weeks/months? It sounds like you see your mum quite regularly. Have you asked her what additional help she would find useful? That may help you feel less “useless”.
Could technology help with bringing them closer? The Komp is a great bit of tech for people who might not be very techy (if not FaceTime or WhatsApp).
Parkinson’s UK has a helpline if you want to talk things through. And whilst your mum’s GP won’t talk to you about her, you could mention the reliance on drugs/alcohol to them.
I hear you about wishing you had a sibling to share this with, but siblings aren’t always a help going by the letters I get, and that way more resentment may lie.
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