Writer Sarah Hesz with her daughter
(Picture: sarah hesz)Of all the parenting milestones - and they line up thick and fast in those early years - this one might totally undo me.
My youngest child is starting school next week and I’m facing an identity crisis.
Having just about come to terms with the type of parent I am (messy/ bad at sewing in name tags/ good at Dobble), I’m now having to accept that I’m not a parent of young children any more. A phase is ending. I’m supposed to feel liberated - I’ve graduated to the next level of parenting - but actually I feel confused.
I’ve been building parenting apps for the last seven years so my work and my own parenting are extremely interlinked. I’ve also spent a lot of time using my kids as an excuse for being a bit chaotic, anti-social and for not doing Pilates. So, I’m really rather worried that having all my children in my school for the first time will bring a new pressure to have my life under control.
The truth is that all this worry stems from fear. I’m scared that I’ve missed parts of my children’s early childhood. Maybe the good stuff is all behind me and I’ve been too busy working or playing Wordle.
Psychologist Leah Henzen sums up this feeling as “a very real grief reaction”, a practise run for empty nest syndrome, and says it can come as a huge shock and the end of an era you could never imagine ending. Ruth Langsford recently said it felt like her “womb had been ripped out” after dropping her son at university.
When I spoke to other parents in the same position as me, I realised that while these swirling emotions are shared, there is an additional dimension for parents who decided to leave work when they had children. Mum-of-three and former lawyer Lucy says: “I know I’ve been looking forward to this moment for ages - but now it’s here I do feel a bit discombobulated. The house is going to feel really quiet, and I’m not totally sure what I do next”.
This seems pertinent at a time when more mothers than any time since the 1980s are deciding they need to pause their careers to have kids - a trend driven by the extortionate cost of childcare.
Anniki Somerville, author of The Big Quit and Motherwhelmed, says: “Being a working parent is about trying to compartmentalise your feelings so you can give your kids room to enjoy their own important milestones. Plan something ahead of time so you have the support you need on the day they start school. Stop the guilt in its tracks - it’s not useful and won’t help you or your kids settle in.”
This is important for me to remember: my self-indulgent nervous breakdown has nothing to do with my 4-year-old who is desperate to hang out with the new love of her lifem Miss Swift (and I don’t take that part personally, Miss Swift is awesome).
So while I guarantee that I’ll cry buckets next Monday, I will save my tears until after drop off.
And although I do feel like I’m losing something which I can’t quite explain, I’m certainly financially a lot better off without nursery fees. I might even start Pilates, and I will have a bit more time to find that elusive work-life-parenting balance.
So maybe this is all a positive thing after all.
