Rows over child maintenance can be a commonplace matter between separated parents. How much is enough or too little often spark rows and bad feeling.
For some even getting the money they are due to is almost impossible with some absent parents refusing to cough up. And for some they can even use the children as bargaining tools to manipulate the other parent.
But with spiralling costs of everything from food to heating, not to mention the additional regular bills that come through from schools and childcare it is a vitally important area. For many unless the absent parent pays around £150 a month they are skipping on support for that child.
Liverpool Echo columnist and mum Sarah Sandison spoke to parents to find out what their issues have been with child maintenance. Here's what she found they had to say:
Over the years we’ve become used to a narrative that mums are scroungers, out for everything they can get, while dads should be able to keep the money they work hard for. I sometimes wonder if fellas actually talk to each other and laugh about their pitiful contributions towards their children’s expenses.
They’re not all monsters and abusers. The problem’s too widespread for that. These are everyday men. Men we all know. For a fortunate few, writing off their ex's pitiful contributions, will simply mean a few less luxuries. But for a lot of mums it’s eating or not. Heating or not. School trip, or not.
Do they think we’re going to spend it on wine and takeaways, instead of serving their children nutritious meals? Lashes and nails to go out with friends and meet someone else?
Do they think their children won’t know? That making their mum worry won’t affect them?
I spoke to a lot of parents this week about their experience with child maintenance, and it’s so sad. I see this as a form of domestic abuse, enabled by a government system, in an already tempestuous financial climate.
Chloe told me her dad would give her mum £20 a week for four children. “But only if they walked to his house each week to collect the cheque and sign a receipt!”
That memory of her dad remains with her today. “And I think less of him for it. I've got no respect for him and there's never been a meaningful relationship between us, because of s*** like that he's pulled”.
Of course it’s not always the dads. Single dad Ian, gets £6.27 per week from his child’s mother.
My friend’s mum left when she was young and refused to pay maintenance, telling her children “if they put me in jail, they’ll have to put thousands of others in jail too”.
Being a good parent isn’t just about giving your children a good time while they’re with you. It’s working to ensure they don’t have drama and stress in all parts of their life.
When I’m stressed out about money it’s all I can think about. I’m short with people, I struggle to concentrate or think about anything else. I’m not the fun, gentle and carefree mum, I know I can be.
A 2018 study showed that giving people in low income families even a small amount of extra money, increases their child’s brain development. They may also grow up to have fewer mental health issues. Who on earth wouldn’t want that for their child?
Kids cost money. Lots of it! Let’s look at some typical expenses…
- Breakfast club £1 per day
- After school club £5 per day
- Lunch £2 for primary, £3.50 for high school per day
- Extra curricular activities/clubs £16 per week
- Phone £20 per month
- Xbox live £6.99 per month
So if you’re paying £6 a week, just what does that cover? It’s likely you’re not paying towards your child’s food and shelter unless you pay more than £150 a month.
For many people their monthly pay is sucked up by bills, as soon as it lands. Then they’ll use weekly child maintenance payments for groceries. If that payment’s a few days late or you’re having to argue for it while you’re running out of food, it’s incredibly stressful!
I spoke to a number of women who refused to take the pitiful amount of child support offered to them, because they always had to ask for it and it inevitably came with abuse.
Emma said: “This is exactly the reason I've never taken a penny from my son's dad. [I’m] fortunate to be in a position I don't need it and I hated the idea he might use it to control me!”
A girl told me her dad moved abroad with a new partner and didn’t pay any maintenance. Her mum couldn’t afford the mortgage repayments and they lost their home.
One mum told me her ex pays £150 a month but took her to court to ensure the entire amount was spent on a football academy their child attends.
Hannah stopped accepting a pitiful amount of child support for her own sanity.
“For us it meant that for the price of one takeaway per month, he had no hold over us anymore. He used to see paying CMS as ‘rent a child’. The ‘well I paid for him so I should see him’ mentality. Haven't seen him in almost 11 years now, through his own choice.
“I don't think they have any idea that for some, they are cutting off a lifeline for their kids and their mothers. Or understand the mental struggle that comes with it”.
Talking about her painful experience, Rose said: “He enjoyed keeping me poor so he could be ‘weekend fun dad’.”
Michelle said: “I had to tell child support investigators to close my file, as he refused to see his kids if they continued”.
One woman told me: “I never took a penny off my ex, so he couldn't hold me to ransom then. A woman I work with met my ex online and he told her he paid £1,000 a month in maintenance!”
Payers have to miss three months of payments before the CMS takes any action. So if you receive £300 a month, you could be £900 out of pocket before they can help.
Abbie told me: “My daughter's dad has to pay £7 a week and doesn’t even do that… One pound a day! imagine that’s all you had to spend on your kid!”
Louise gets £5.25 a week. She said: “Tickles me when my banking app notifies me it’s gone in. Never a penny extra for uniforms or trips. Feel ashamed for him.”
They’re are also lots of dads who agree the system doesn’t work. Gareth said: “I’ve paid the ex above what that silly calculator said for years.
“Don’t get me started on the dad’s that say that their maintenance is all they should pay and that it covers everything. Same as them that go the ‘ex spends the money on wine and going out’. The way I see it is, the money I give my ex each month is paying her back some of the money she has already spent putting food on the table for OUR child.
“If she's budgeted the money I pay for her night out - sound. I don't get how dads don't think this stuff impacts their kids.
“You want your lad to grow up having a decent life and all the things other kids have. So go put your hand in your pocket. My ex texts me around Christmas and birthdays if she can't afford the gift he wants, and I whack half of it on and she still gets the maintenance because you just want the best for your kid.
“That’s not me being a saint! We split up cus I was a p**** back then. But it's not about me or her, it's about him and we all should just want what's best for our kids”.
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