SO COME ON AND LET ME KNOW …
On 15 January 2011, Rochdale drew 1-1 at home to Leyton Orient in League One. The match was played on a waterlogged Spotland pitch, in front of a crowd of 2,371, and afterwards the Rochdale manager Keith Hill gave the referee both barrels. “That wasn’t a spectacle, it was a farce. The biggest loser was the pitch. The pitch is an absolute disgrace, so whoever wanted this game on, for whatever reason, they are not looking at the long-term future. I don’t think the game should have been played. That’s forgotten now, it’s history.”
A few years later, the match became historic. In the 74th minute, Orient replaced their grizzled 36-year-old Scottish striker Scott McGleish with a chubby-cheeked 17-year-old, making his professional debut. According to this BBC report, jogging on to the field was Harry Kane’s only notable contribution. Eventually he scored five goals in 18 appearances for Orient, the first of four loan spells in the lower divisions. “Kane was OK for Orient but no netbuster,” wrote one Orient forum member a few years later, indicating the two other Spurs loanees, Tom Carroll and Paul-José M’Poku, looked far better than Kane.
Funny old game. Carroll is at Exeter, M’Poku plays in South Korea for Incheon United, and Kane — who in the intervening 12 years has demonstrated a startling aptitude for things like “goals”, “assists” and “making Arsenal fans foam with impotent rage” — may be about to complete the lesser travelled journey from Spotland to the Allianz Arena. This morning, news broke that — in the most out-of-character response since the Man from Del Monte lovingly tasted one of his new pineapples, started retching, told his labour staff they were an egregious disgrace to horticulture, sacked them all on the spot and went into the used car industry instead — Daniel Levy has reportedly said yes to Bayern Munich’s near-£100m offer.
Kane must now decide whether to join Germany’s finest or see out his contract at Spurs before joining another English club and breaking Alan Shearer’s Premier League goals record. He could do both, by having a couple of years in Germany before returning to knock off the remaining 48 goals needed to force Shearer into an awkward, not entirely convincing display of magnanimity on live television.
If Kane does move to Bayern, all those brilliantly hilarious memes about him winning nothing will go up in smoke. Bayern have won 11 consecutive Bundesliga titles, and last season they couldn’t even give the trophy away. The signing of Kane would also make Bayern serious contenders in Big Cup and continue an unlikely development in which English football’s growing dominance of Big Cup is being threatened by its own: Jude Bellingham at Real Madrid and Kane at Bayern.
Mind you, our print-only predecessor Football Yearly predicted the same when Kevin Keegan went to Hamburg in 1977, and English clubs won six of the next seven Big Cups. And knowing Levy, and football, and life, we won’t believe it’s a done deal until we see Harry Kane forced to pose in lederhosen, supping a stein, looking as at home as he did at Spotland all those years ago.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Football fans know I gave out my fair share of red cards in my career. But this one is less about early baths and instead about helping friends and families get a better deal on their rail tickets” — celebrity ref Mike Dean joins with Railcard.co.uk to promote “the fairest red card around; the Family & Friends Railcard”. “Remember to always carry your red card on match day … and you’re off!” he added.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
When a commentator says ‘Kane’ in that one-word-way they do when a player is in possession, my brain immediately follows up with ‘Sugar!’ in the style of Melle Mel. When a commentator says ‘Ramsdale’, my brain follows up with ‘Oooh Mr Ramsdale!’ in the style of Norman Wisdom. I’m probably going to hear their names a lot less with Harry maybe off to Munich and Aaron about to be challenged for his place by Raya, so I wondered if any readers had any other examples of this sort of thing that haunted them that I can adopt so I can continue to be annoyed with my brain while watching The Greatest League in the World?” – Gareth McCann.
Terrific to see one of the Dutch players smirk at the exit of the USA from the World Cup. It gives raging MAGA commentators an exquisite dilemma over whether to approve – and risk sounding unpatriotic – or disapprove, and find themselves on the side of Megan Rapinoe, taking the knee, equal pay, feminism, and other mind-destroying ideologies. Perhaps Fifa could arrange a montage when the Netherlands next play?” – Charles Antaki.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Gareth McCann.
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