Where is Billy Eichner when we need him most?
After more than a week of testimony from medical experts, eyewitnesses, associates of the plaintiff and, most brilliantly of all, the defendant, an eight-person jury decided that actor, vajayjay candle merchant and Goop CEO Gwyneth Paltrow is not liable for the $300,000 in damages sought by retired optometrist Terry Sanderson related to a 2016 skiing collision at a Utah resort.
Additionally, jurors deemed Sanderson to be "100 percent" at fault in the crash, awarding Paltrow damages in the amount of – let's yell it together for Billy – A DOLLAR, as the defendant requested, plus attorney's fees.
The glamorously ridiculous Sanderson v. Paltrow, which has been live-streamed daily since it began on March 21, provided a diversionary glimpse into the lifestyles and fashion sense of the rich and famous and the not-so-rich but in some ways perhaps equally entitled.
The verdict ends a litigious odyssey that began in February 2016, when Paltrow and her children, along with then-boyfriend Brad Falchuk and his children, were vacationing at the exclusive Deer Valley resort. While enjoying a lesson on the beginners' Bandana ski run, Paltrow collided with Sanderson.
He alleged that she plowed into him, causing several broken ribs and a concussion. But the jury sided with Paltrow's account, in which she insisted that, in her words, he skied "directly into [her] f**king back."
"I apologize for my bad language," she told the court during her testimony last week.
Sanderson originally brought the suit in 2019, claiming that slamming into Paltrow caused him "permanent traumatic brain injury, four broken ribs, pain, suffering, loss of enjoyment of life, emotional distress and disfigurement." He originally sought $3.1 million in damages from the actor, the resort and one of its ski instructors, Eric Christiansen.
A year later, in 2020, a state judge dismissed nearly all of the original claims save for the accusation that Paltrow had been negligent. Sanderson's legal team reduced the sought damages to $300,000.
However, according to CNN, on Thursday his attorney asked the jury to consider awarding Sanderson $3.2 million in consideration of his brain injury and life expectancy. As a reminder, the defendant previously claimed to no longer take joy in wine tastings and "is no longer charming."
It took jurors two and a half hours to be like, "Nah," and order Sanderson to hand over a crisp Washington to Apple's mother as she apparently whispered in his ear, hopefully as the golden talisman that we imagine hangs around her neck preternaturally glowed, "I wish you well."
Thus concludes what may end up being the most fabulously dumb legal spectacles we've enjoyed in a long while and one of the best things to ever happen to the recently resurrected Court TV.
"Part of him will always be on that mountain," Sanderson's attorney told the jury. Us too, friend. Us, too.
