On Friday, a three-party coalition government was formed in Wellington, kicking off the premiere season of Thrupple Island NZ.
As the three party leaders strode over Parliament’s bridge into the Banquet Hall, almost over the top of waiting photographers who were sent scuttling, it quickly became clear this was going to be a difficult trio to film.
Pause here and think of the photojournalists trying to capture this rare and unique three-headed beast, in one frame, surely wondering if time on the ground filming with David Attenborough would have been better professional preparation. We’ll never know, because now that this multi-limbed reality show has kicked off, the stars are already flagging they will attempt to negotiate a four-year season instead of the usual three.
All men were appropriately suited for the ceremony on Friday, and vows of various lengths and intensity were exchanged. The new prime minister, Christopher Luxon, announced the deputy PM gig would be split between Winston Peters of NZ First and David Seymour of the ACT Party, in a kind of ego timeshare arrangement.
Pause again here, and appreciate the comedic timing of the first journalist to ask how this role could be shared, setting up Peters for one of his classic barks: “We’re not sharing it either. I’m taking the first 18 months and David’s taking the second. Right?”
Sweat began to accumulate on three foreheads as declarations of who loved New Zealand the most started piling up. And how do these three men propose to demonstrate their fealty to the betrothed after roughly three weeks of whacking the policy pinãta? What meaningful visions do they have to unite Kiwis and lift them up in these hard times?
Let’s start with the most vulnerable: the children. Would they continue the work of the previous government in trying to remedy New Zealand’s internationally embarrassing child poverty stats?
Nup. Sorry, kiddos. Loving you for richer or poorer isn’t a priority right now — just like climate change, which went completely unacknowledged. But don’t worry, because the rather right-wing ACT party has managed to get an agreement from the thrupple to do a full rewrite of the Arms Act! Which is exactly what a country barely three years past one of the worst civilian massacres carried out by a man with easy access to automatic firearms really needs — a clear pathway to using an AR15.
Plus they’re bringing back the “three strikes” law that saw prisons filled to capacity before it was repealed last year, with Seymour declaring proudly, “Prison capacity for adult and youth offenders would be expanded.” That man, always thinking of the children.
Not to be left out, Luxon’s National Party got the agreement of the other parties that children in NZ schools must spend an hour each on reading, writing and maths every day. So far that seems unlinked to the increase in prison beds for youth offenders, but it’s early days yet!
Libertarian Santa and ACT Party leader David Seymour was probably sweating a bit harder by now, wondering if all the minor interest groups he harvested in his campaign had been sufficiently rewarded. So he lost no time in announcing his other amazing gift: “restoring dignity” to that notoriously persecuted minority — landlords — by restoring mortgage interest deductibility to 100% by 2025.
Um, OK. Skipping ahead, what about sickness and health? Unfortunately, not great news if you are one of the Māori population who on average die seven years earlier than non-Māori. All three parties agreed to scrap the Māori Health Authority only 16 months after its establishment.
Not a party to go quietly, NZ First also demonstrated its priorities by making one of its coalition conditions that the “government does not recognise the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples (UNDRIP) as having any binding legal effect on New Zealand”.
Awks. Did any one of the people in the negotiations, possibly someone with legal training, bother to point out that New Zealand’s democracy–establishing founding document is co-authored with the Indigenous people of New Zealand?
On balance, probably not, because anyone with legal training had their hands full with the ACT Party’s proposed referendum on the Treaty of Waitangi, the previously mentioned founding document. While the party cannily never said exactly what the terms of the referendum would be, the inference was that it would dial down the treaty’s recognition of Māori.
The idea has been met with widespread condemnation from politicians on both sides of Parliament who recognised the divisiveness of the move, including conservative National ex-PM Jim Bolger, who called it “bloody stupid”.
While the thrupple did not outright announce a treaty referendum on Friday, the trio have agreed on supporting something called a “Treaty Principles Bill” up to the select committee process. It is unclear if it will make it to a referendum or not. So it’s kind of racism-lite, for now.
Friday’s ceremony wasn’t short on stoushes, scenery-chewing and main character energy, but to many looking on, all it really revealed was a six-eyed beast with no vision.
