To mark Baby Loss Awareness Week, a brave mum has opened up about her grief after losing her two sons and an unborn baby girl, and how she's worked to honour her children by helping other bereaved parents that are struggling.
Jess, 37, gave birth to twins James and Rudy in November 2019, 24 weeks and three days into her pregnancy following a placental abruption. Tragically, baby James, who had been the strongest and biggest of the two boys, died just 36 hours after his birth. His brother Rudy spent 15 weeks in the neonatal care unit (NICU) plus three weeks in the special care baby unit (SCBU) before being discharged.
However, just two days after Jess and her husband Kelvin, 39, brought Rudy home, he became unwell and was admitted to the children's ward. He became ill once again upon his second discharge, and sadly died in the hospital in April 2020, aged four and a half months old.
The weeks she spent with Rudy in the hospital, during a period of coronavirus lockdown restrictions, were the 'loneliest' of Jess's life, as Kelvin and her mum weren't allowed in much, and any nurses had to be masked up before entering.
Jess, from Hampshire, told The Mirror : "He was really poorly, and it was when I didn't know what was going to happen. It was terrifying, and, yes, just very isolating and lonely, and very difficult. He also died in April, so at the height of Covid.
"We couldn't really have visitors in the hospital at the end. That's something I feel very sad about now. And at his funeral we were only allowed 10 people including us."
Through her pain, Jess found some solace in the kindness of the 'amazing' nurses who cared for her children, who she says became 'like family' to her during her 127 days in NICU. She's still in touch with some of them to this day.
Jess also found a 'lifeline' through the Twins Trust, an organisation that supports the families of twins and triplets through whatever difficulties they may face. She learned about the trust through the unit she was in after losing James, and was quickly matched with a befriender named Sharon.
She recalled: "I remember talking to her on the ground floor of the hospital when James had just died, and it was just this sense of relief, being able to talk to someone in that moment who just got it. Who understood what I was going through because she had also lost two little boys.
"In those moments where it's hard to talk to anybody, strangely, this stranger was the person who I was able to open up to."
Jess and Kelvin suffered further heartbreak when, the following year, they lost a baby early in the second trimester. All three children have been buried together, and Jess has endeavoured to honour them through her voluntary work as a befriender, supporting other grieving parents, just as Sharon had been there for her.
Jess, who continued speaking with Sharon after Rudy's death and the loss of her little girl, views becoming a befriender as a way to 'honour' her babies.
She said: "It was on the second anniversary of Rudy's death, in April. I'd gone back to a really low place, and I just said to myself, I've got a choice. I can either just crumble or I can try and do something positive to mark this anniversary."
In November 2021, Jess and Kelvin welcomed their fourth child, baby Mikey, into the world. Jess describes her son as her 'little ray of sunshine', but acknowledges 'managing the two emotions side by side' can be very difficult.
She explained: "He brings so much happiness and joy, but there's always the grief at the same time. Every milestone is a little dagger in my heart. It's just a reminder of what I didn't have with the others."
However, Jess finds telling the story of her sons and 'saying their names out loud' really helps her, and tries to tell people that she'd rather speak about them, even if this means her getting upset, and to 'acknowledge that they were here'.
According to Jess: "I think if you know someone who has lost a baby, say, 'Oh, can I see a picture of your baby?' or 'what were they like?' or 'did they have a middle name?'
"Just asking about them like you would ask somebody about a living baby makes that mummy feel so proud of her baby. So I think that's something that I would always do now if I knew somebody who had lost a baby."
Jess' experience has also made her more sympathetic toward dads like Kelvin who have suffered baby loss, who may have to return to work very quickly after their bereavement.
She added: "We were in SCBU during COVID, so there was often only one parent allowed up. You know, he would miss out on that. So I think it's really important to look after the dad as well."
Shauna Leven, Chief Executive of Twins Trust, said: "Baby Loss Awareness Week gives families a chance to reflect and remember. We know that bereavement within the twins and multiples’ community is far too common both during and after pregnancy.
"Our bereavement service is always here to support families through every step of their journey."
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