BRING BACK SIR BERT
A perusal of the listings for the John F Kennedy Centre for the Performing Arts in Washington DC reveals that weekend visitors to the national culture centre of the US can sit through a playful bilingual production of the Philip Eastman children’s book ‘Go Dog! Go!’ or the presumably excruciating ad libbed stylings of the Improvised Shakespeare Company. Despite being the hottest ticket in town, Friday’s Geopolitics World Cup draw is notable by its absence from the venue’s schedule of events, presumably because the organisers have designated it strictly invitation only, lest any riff-raff darken the doorstep of what promises to be an excessively long, self-congratulatory procession at which assorted well-paid luminaries will parrot the tired platitude that “football unites the world”.
The glitzy event is due to be hosted by the German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum alongside the diminutive American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart, with gridiron’s Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and acting’s Danny Ramirez in the role of roving reporter. They will preside over a ceremony that will certainly have English football fans of a certain age yearning for the halcyon, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and their trusty velvet bag of wooden, numbered balls. Scheduled to last the thick end of three torturous hours, the event will feature a staggering playlist of what seems like no end of speechifying, saccharine video montages, pre-vetted gags, celebrity guests, musical turns from acts with either little shame or enormous tax bills, and then … finally, the actual World Cup draw.
Among those tasked with helping to conduct it? Shaquille O’Neal, Wayne Gretzky, Tom Brady and Aaron Judge, all plucking their balls under the watchful eye of our very own Rio Ferdinand. Given the vast, untapped reservoir of charisma possessed by these ageing sporting legends, short of an armed snatch-squad of uniformed ICE goons crashing the ceremony to forcibly remove assorted foreign delegates, it’s difficult to imagine what could possibly go wrong. Actually, very little, if the tone-deaf defence of Fifa’s well-documented World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by their obsequious English yes-man is any kind of gauge.
“I think we have to be conscious of that and I think Fifa are definitely people that are conscious of that, the powers that be there,” said Rio in a BBC interview, upon being asked if tickets should be made more affordable for people who aren’t Dubai-dwelling multimillionaires. “But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that conversation about things,” he added. So it’s probably OK to charge $6,730 or more for a ticket to a football match because that’s actually quite cheap when you compare it to the price of a private yacht with a hold stuffed full of Fabergé eggs.
With 42 nations already qualified for next summer’s jamboree and six more due to join them, there will be a genuine air of giddiness once Rio removes his tongue from Gianni Infantino’s colon, all the better to get the actual draw under way. But as fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three nations their particular country will have to play in the group stages, the air of suspense will be nothing compared to that which precedes Gianni’s announcement of the recipient of Fifa’s inaugural peace prize for “individuals who help unite people in peace through unwavering commitment and special actions”. Given that the draw is taking place in Washington and next summer’s Geopolitics World Cup is mostly taking place in the US, Football Daily couldn’t possibly hazard a guess as to who the lucky and entirely undeserving winner might be – even though the clues are there.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There’s no concern at the moment. I was speaking to Alan [Pace, Burnley chairman] today. My relationship with Alan’s rock solid really. I have a real open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever” – Burnley manager Scott Parker, whose side are on a five-match losing streak, provides a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced-if/when-he-gets-sacked-in-six-weeks.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Further to the letter from John Collins [Football Daily letters passim] about a potential club named Kevin for the Highland League. He may wish to note there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin (Santos Lopes de Macedo) at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a Highland League club, and bestow his name on it” – Desmond Wheway.
Going to Inverness Thistle games in the 80s/90s, my mum would always ask who they were playing. When the answer was ‘Keith’, she’d reply: ‘What, on his own?’ – Toby Blake.
I stopped reading the 3 December Daily after nine words. Oh dear, oh dear. ‘Comprised of’! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra ‘of’ plays as much a part as an extra official assessing VAR on corners: unnecessary, unacceptable and unwanted” – Ken Muir.
Concern is growing here the US ahead of Fifa’s Global Tombola on Friday: just what catchy ditty will the two-hit wonder Village People come up with when the inevitable happens and Supreme Leader Trump refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an encore? Given that he’ll be proudly waving his Fifa Man of Peace Award (and taking into account his present adventures in the Caribbean), they can hardly resort to their other song, In the Navy! Perhaps Trump’s ever-accommodating best buddy (and fellow Abominable Showman) will come to the rescue with a Fifa-inspired rewrite for the occasion called something like, maybe … In the Gravy?” – Justin Kavanagh
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is … Toby Blake, who wins a copy of Mary Earps: All In. It caused a bit of a stir, you may remember.
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